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Correspondence from MacGregor Mathers to Annie Horniman
14 January 1896.
Private
Dear Fortiter,
I cannot tell you how much we have both (V.N.R. [Moina Mathers] and myself) been pleased to find that you did not intend the meaning which we both thought you did in your letter to me concerning the "Respiro" pamphlet, &c. I think I have never before been so wounded and hurt in my life, as at what neither of us could see how to interpret than as first, a slur on the Wisdom of our Order; second, a direct charge of willfully perverting the same, against me as a Chief of the Second Order, third, the implied charge of impurity and consequently hypocrisy against both Vestigia and myself; the latter being the grave as coming from you who have known us personally so long; and to whom (in the Outer World) we are under so many obligations; fourthly, of laziness in administration as implied by the apparent (to you) necessity of having to suspend yourself till such time as I could be sufficiently awakened from my (in your opinion) habitual lethargy, to act with energy and decision.
We both read and re-read your letters, but could not assimilate any other meaning notwithstanding we both wished to do so; and were therefore compelled to adopt one of two alternatives; either that you honestly both believed us guilty of these faults, and, however unauthorized to do so, took upon yourself the task of charging us with them, in our various capacities; or that you were temporarily (and unintentionally no doubt) giving way to an unbalanced condition of mind which would be likely to ultimate in a condition favourable to the condition of a mania.
In the first case, it would have evidently been impossible (supposing us to preserve any self-respect to all) to remain on friendly terms with you; and still less to take the favours and monetary assistance as we had been doing.
In the second case, the only honourable action evident to be taken was to check your state of mind, and that sharply, promptly and at whatever cost.
We are therefore only too pleased to be able to resume our former relationship of sincere friendship with you, if you, on your part, care to do so.
With regard to the monetary assistance you have so kindly and generously given us; of course it has helped me enormously in my work; and without it I could not have done so much as I have. But however want of it may cripple us; we could not continue to take it from one who suspected our honour. So that if you really trust our sincerity; as I know you formerly did; of course it would be foolish of me to refuse it from you. But if on the contrary, you have still a feeling of mistrust and suspicion, we could not in honour take the same from you, longer than would enable us to leave this house which we would be prepared to do in a few weeks time, as I gave notice on the 1st of this month, so as to be prepared for any eventuality.
With every sincere good wish,
S.L MacGregor Mathers, 'S Rioghail Mo Dhream
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