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Correspondence from George MacNie Cowie to Aleister Crowley
14 Glenisla Gardens, Edinburgh.
Monday Night. [Undated: circa 1913?]
Care Frater.
A letter from me should have crossed yours as I meant to write, but knowing you were away in Paris there seemed no occasion for haste. Well, I'm very sorry for you, you had enough without this, but you don't mean to tell me it is the great and good Victoria [Vittoria Cremers] who has bolted with the blooming 'oof? I never heard of any other 'business manager', hence I am driven to this unlikely conclusion. And I thought there was no art in America!
I've heard absolutely nothing and have been patiently waiting the appearance of No. X [of the Equinox]. Is it that after all V[ittoria] C[remers] didn't pay off all these little accounts? I wish I could say that the loss of money as far as my share is concerned doesn't matter, and that you and the A∴A∴ are welcome to it, but of course it knocks over one of my castles in the air, and besides puts off indefinitely the day when I can feel that if I choose I can give up ordinary work and be able to say (go to hell!), so to speak, to circumstances. I have never in my experience known a loan of any approachable amount to be returned even when circumstances were favourable. One loses the money and the friend too, but in this case the latter clause won't happen. I lent the money with my eyes open and face the risk of losing it rather than feel that you work should be wrecked by selfishness on my own part.
I had a certain use to make of the money had it been returned before June next, but as that's not likely, the only thing is to look at the matter as philosophically as possible and consider the money as lent you for an indefinite period. There needn't be any question of interest, as I said before. Note that while I hold your IOU for £200 only, you have actually received £250 and I am out of pocket really about £275. I hope by the end of next month to have repaid the bank the overdraft in full and that will stop a leakage of 6 1/2 per cent. After that it will take a few months to have a moderate sum in hand for emergencies. The bank must keep the securities till then or I'm in a hole. Fortunately my bread and butter doesn't depend on this, it's only expenditure on holidays and such I've had to cut down, naturally, till I've cleared off my over-drawings and rescued the securities. As a matter of course I cannot get back the Rider one till this is done. I'm about £20 short yet.
There is one piece of news I was going to tell you. From one point of view it is quite good. I knew I was sure to be harder worked this winter, but did not expect to have so greatly increased duties. I have been given more complete control of my work, and as it means a more dignified and less subservient position there was no question at all as to whether to accept or reject it, it is quite the natural development of my old position. Altho' not a word has been said about increase in pay, and my pay envelope shows no difference, that may follow one day and make things easier for me in future, Nous verrons. It was worth taking the chance.
But from another point of view it is a dog-faced demon indeed as it demands every atom of my time and concentration and sends me home dog-tired. Also, as it needs a great deal of thought, it is difficult to keep it out of my mind in off hours, and meditation is liable to be more disturbed. However this is at the beginning and when I get settled into the new groove we will do better. Certainly I've had a serious set back for a month.
All the same there is a pronounced improvement in concentration, at times, and if it were not that I can't avoid speculating why I don't get dhyans when I've got the mind steady and it goes dayzle [?], we might see things. For the rest I haven't got the slightest success in anything——or too cowardly—yet to work with a circle, and that may have something to do with it.
I'm badly worried about housekeeping again. The excellent person who has been with me 9 months is leaving me for a more lady like situation and it's so difficult to get a really suitable person. And this is so quiet a corner that it takes an exceptional person to like it.
Small woes to put beside your big ones. I'm not really discontented at slow progress, it is progress of a kind and a ripping good game besides, only I wonder if I'm not quite and exceptional duffer judged by others.
I had meant to write sooner, but first hearing Miss W [Leila Waddell] would be in Glasgow, I out it off till I could tell you I had seen your girl, and that she was looking well and happy, and again when she told me you were in Paris, I put off writing for another week, and so on. Well it's time to stop writing and let you off more of this screed. Cheer up! Things will come all right yet—and I remain just as fraternally yours.
F[iat] P[ax]
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