Correspondence from George MacNie Cowie to Aleister Crowley

14 Glenisla Gardens, Edinburgh.

Dec 27 [1917]

Care Frater.

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

Yours. You probably know better than myself that there is no "bluff" in the matter. There is no 'embargo' that I am aware of on anyone connected with the Order sending you money, and if you have had some at all the more reason to give me some peace. It is so stupid. If you were trying to do all the harm possible you could not take a better line than to make it appear as if money were your sole object.

If there was, and there is not, any money to send, I would not on any account risk landing our solicitor here into trouble. The only person I'd sent money through, if ever there's any to send would be through the solicitor in London (not yours) who knows all the facts. To make certain I asked M.D. [Mary Davies] to see him and ascertain whether as her Lodge is non-existent, it would be permissible to send you any, assuming that there was. No, no money must be sent unless serious trouble is desired. What I have been trying to prevent is the total loss and confiscation of everything, irreplaceable things, and you won't see it.

I told you long ago that the continental origin of the O.T.O. would make it impossible to work it in England and that is new evident. It now will not be allowed. If you had not gulled me into the belief "at the risk of your life" that you were etc., there would have been no Lodge. Apart from that, I can no longer put a good face on things. The mean worry about money I can no longer conceal from the B[lessed] b[rethen] and your insistent has taken away any hope of beginning again. Your sneer about the Lodge came with singular ill-grace. At least I established a Lodge that was laying a foundation for better things, that was growing rapidly, paying its own way, and would soon have been accumulating a real fund, & the members of which did not need to be lashed to work. Its downfall is due to the line you have taken. I don't believe for a moment, now, that you like the hell-predestined Hun any more than I do, and You'd be the first to laugh at me if I did the fool things you recommend.

I had to see our solicitor here last week on other matters. He had just received the quarter's rent, a quarter late. There can't be enough yet to cover the taxes, when he gets the Jan. quarter and has paid everything, he will let me know if there is anything over, but if there is, it will have to be kept towards repairs, the lat tenant's daughter is willing to keep on the lease, but says the front wall is falling down and needs re-building, i.e., the wall facing the road. What I feared was that the lease would be thrown on our hands. And more than that, that W. will refuse to act any longer as agent.

You know perfectly well that every man with a fixed income like mine, now finds its purchasing power reduced by half, I have no longer any surplus to spare, have had with difficulty paid even my own taxes, and if I can struggle on paying the storage charges (which really have nothing to do with the Lodge) you should be thankful. You simply haven't got a penny form the House that has not come out of my pocket. Do not ignore that. What is more irritating is that you have unwittingly shoved a spoke into Fortune's wheel. There has been a quite unsolicited and spontaneous piece of good-fortune hanging fire for months and which would have been splendid. If it now eventuates it's no good—the mischief is done.

I can only hope that your own many promises of success will yet come to something and make you a self-supporting Beast, at least.

What I really feel and complain of is that my sole ambition is constantly frustrated. I managed in spite of all worries, to come apparently very near success. But it's been vain to attempt meditation since your last letter, which has practically re-opened the whole trouble quite uselessly, and made it worse. It's not you that remembers the way of the Tao. The usual consequence follows from absence of meditation—depression, and a reaction on my bodily health. It seems a wonder that my brain has not given way under all the complicated trouble of this miserable year. I've done enough injustice to my own family in giving away so much, and it's weighing on my conscience, as a fresh and unforeseen responsibility (previously mentioned) has come along.

I have just to rest as philosophically as I can on the bed I've made for myself, and face a worldly future that seems dark enough.

By the way—The Herb Dangerous no longer threatens the stability of 93. In M.D.'s enforced absence some contemptible little wild beasts got at it, and feathered their nests with bits of it, and it was also damaged by water at the time of the raids. It has fetched £4 as waste paper—quite a profitable spec! This sum will be kept against the infernal pawn charges. If these go on, they must come out of the rent, I can no longer pay them. If it hadn't been for the 'embargo' I couldn't have gone to London in the summer for want of money, and for the same reason (lack of money) I can't just now, and it would be useless.

A little tact and the assumption of the vice of sympathy even if you have it not, would have helped things along, better.

I hope M.O.H. [Mother of Heaven—Leila Waddell] is flourishing, and yourself better in health. It beats me to explain to people why the Sole Proprietor & Patentee of the Universal Medicine should be always fatally, even seriously sick. I've just got over one of my usual colds, and feel somewhat down, with one thing and another. Meditation is always the best medicine, if I could get the time. As a matter of fact I've had to write this in the morning, in the time I'd otherwise have had. My Liberty is seriously curtailed as a result of recent events and my business position affected. If it's at all possible, I'm determined to go for a real holiday this next summer where letters and worries can't reach me and have a try—else my present incarnation will have been a failure. Let us hope 1918 E.V. will be different sort of year, all good wishes for it. Here I must stop, though there is still much to say, & many problems as to the future.

Love is the law (remember) love under will. (Don't try to break mine, I am flint now.)

Fraternally.

George M. Cowie.

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