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Correspondence from Aleister Crowley to Norman Mudd
50 [rue Vavin] [Paris VIe]
18 March '24 e.v.
C∴F∴
93.
It's hard to say what's happening. I somehow forced myself to get up, get shaved, lunch out etc (3 hours altogether) and now 3.30 P.M. after 1 1/2 hours in bed I feel rather better than worse, though utterly exhausted and short of breath and inclined to nausea on reaching bedroom.
The ultimate truth is evidently that my real sickness is moral rather than physical. All my life I have been incapable of taking care of my health in small ways, when it is a question of "good habits" I simply cannot "go out for a walk" on general principles.
I am in fact a very sluggish machine of great power and great inertia. Feed me with an idea, and I get going, and it's hard to stop me.
I need above all just now to be convinced practically that I am of some use to the world. This is why a voluntary contribution would be of such value: I should feel myself an object of public utility (Like Gauguin in Tahiti: "Ah! said the native, seeing him paint 'vous êtes un homme utile' and P[aul] G[auguin] died o'laughing!)
However, all this is beside the mark in a way—unless it is to make you more cheerful, which always helps! There is no change in the prescription.. my conditions must be radically changed, or I shall constantly relapse. I don't think it would last me at all to take on a regular job—say as publisher's reader, critic to a paper, translator of French books, editor of old texts etc etc. No! on the contrary, almost any such job would be a most valuable method of cure. I need to be taken out of myself, above all. I've run the introspection far too hard of late. (Shirley [Ralph Shirley] or Collins [publisher] might conceivably help here).
I hope to give you good news to-morrow of my proposed "Tribune" deals.
About
1. I have never maintained that any man could stop at any time in any conditions.
2. Favorable conditions are that a man should (a) will to stop (b) know his True Will (c) be able to take steps to carry it out (d) be free from physically depressing stress.
3. I'm all right for a. and b. For c. I should be all right if I were all right as to d.
4. Given, therefore, that I
am safely entrenched at Hardelot or some such place, I think
there should be little or no trouble in stopping either
suddenly or gradually, as may seem desirable. The only
caveat is this: I cannot say yet whether the operations have
really cured my tendency to dyspnoea: i.e. whether my system
really needs
5. Failing the establishment of good conditions, I seriously dread the failure of the supply. (I think that Whineray [Edward Whineray], whose address you can get from Lowe and Co. Stafford St Bond Street, would help us, on being told the actual facts.) Complete nervous exhaustion, light-headedness bordering on insanity, total upsetting of digestion and sleep, with every probability of collapse dangerous to life are to be expected in case of withdrawal in bad conditions. Good moral conditions are above all essential. Good food, air, and exercise, with an important daily task which must be done and will surely be of use, are imperative. Also reasonable amusement, and someone I love, to talk with etc.
That, I think, makes the case fairly well. Now please remember that this is not merely a question of my personal welfare. It is a test case, the climax of a long series of experiments. It is absolutely vital to the vindication of my theories that I should have myself master of the matter, unsoiled by medical specialist "cures". I don't want to have a failure to explain away.
93 93/93
Yours
666.
Wednesday 8.30 A.M.
I am better again this A.M. after
a good night's rest. The moment of waking was very
distressful; but a dose of
Jarvis' [Dr.
Charles Jarvis] potion and a little solid
Think the best plan is to talk G.C. Jones [George Cecil Jones] into a proper frame of mind.
I will write no important letters save vice you: and you may use your discretion as to delivering them. Glad you see the jealousy point about A & BCH. J[ealousy] is the great fault in love: it's the false will of the false ego intruding. Hence AL I 41-44.
This A.M. for the first time in my life I feel myself of force to write the true Comment.
So cheer up!
666.
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[Heroin]. I have given you so many of my passing impressions
(my foolish habit is to speak my mood of the moment) that it
is no wonder at all if I have misled you. I have thought the
matter over very thoroughly in the last four weeks, and can
give you (at last!) a considered judgment.