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Correspondence from Ninette Shumway to Jane Wolfe
March 9, 1927
My dear Jane,
I write to bid you and Beast an eternal Adieu. It looks as if I were gone beyond recall.
My constant thinking about my critical position here had brought me to a complete understanding of my spiritual situation, which is the cause of my troubles.
When Beast met me, I was a nervous wreck on the verge of suicide. Would that I had never been raised out of that state. The seven years I have spent in Cefalu have been used solely for the gratification of my senses. I have indulged my body to the limit, and am now to pay the price. My brain is giving way at a rapid rate, it is with great difficulty that I maintain a sane attitude towards people. My disorder will soon show itself and cause me to be taken away from the little ones.
Thinking too much, making resolutions and taking oaths, keeping none, violating my better impulses, have worn my nerves to shreds.
My diary, although thoroughly disgusting, might be interesting I am sure, if ever I succeeded in curing myself, it would be immensely so. But today I have not been able to feel the power to rise over this trouble for one moment. So I am ready to burn the whole stuff. I am going to write to the Commissario, asking him to notify Beast when I reach the lowest point and he has to take the children. I leave them to Beast, if he cares to take them. I know these poor lambs will have to suffer for my misdeeds, it is heart-breaking to think about their suffering, but I have not known how to love them as I should, how to lose myself completely in my devotion to them. Poor Beast did delude himself thinking I had killed my grosser ego, instead I have fed it so well that it has smothered my Soul.
My prospects are appalling. I shudder to look forward! The Gods have forsaken me! It is an awful price to pay for the pleasure I have had out of life! A greedy pig I have been and for pig joys I have damned myself! But would it not be enough to have to suffer alone? Must these poor children's lives be ruined also? Oh, that I might have the assurance that Beast will take them all someday!
Helen [Helen Fraux] would, but I will not give in to this last piece of cowardice. To Beast I leave them and happen what may! I know that I understand I am solely responsible for my troubles—I had sufficient knowledge to follow a different path, but I have had no strength!
What can I add?
"Goodbye all. I trust the Gods permit that the children come to you. Lulu and Minni can get an American passport from the Consul. But Dick? Must he pay heavier tax than the others? I cannot do anything now.
Very desperately yours,
Ninette
P.S. March 10th. It is better to die fighting with Trust in one's heart than in this horrible doubt.
I will gather what little strength I have left—sell all I have and try to hold up until Beast can reach me a hand. I know that if I keep my side of the contract the Gods will see me safe. I am fighting but for the children. I want to put them into the hands of one of the Order before I give in.
Ninette
[At the bottom of this letter Crowley has handwritten] Have wired 500 lbs.—the utmost we can possibly spare at this juncture. The worst of it is; this is really wasting money. It only prolongs the agony. The only remedy is to get her and the children to a civilized place where she can earn good money as she used to do. Pressure should be put on her people—anyone in an auto can do it—to take the family in until proper arrangements can be made.
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