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Correspondence from Karl Germer to Aleister Crowley
January 5, 1930.
SOME NOTES.
1) With me things go deep and stay deep. It takes long for me to acquire new things or to learn; but once they are acquired they stay and it takes a long time to deracinate them again. Thus slow progress. This may also explain why it takes so long to get rid of this damned inferiority complex. As an example I will point out that the humiliating experiences in U.S.A. stick deep in my blood. I notice it, I might say, almost daily when talking to other people which belong to a different circle than I moved in in U.S.A. The fact that I have been something so low lurks always over my shoulder. Also I fear I might meet people who knew me in those conditions and might expose me.
2) This may also explain why I can only do one things at a time. If I am doing something and somebody tries to interrupt me I get excited, nervous, cranky. The fact on the surface seems to be an advantage, in so far as it is a good trait to do one thing 100% at a time. It seems to show a certain natural concentration, or tendency to concentration of mind. But it also undoubtedly reveals a lack of equilibrium, if the least interference or question while one is doing something quite simple—let me say shaving or writing or so—makes one flare up and get irritated.
3) You have mentioned in some of your letters the "Sin complex". I do not fully get the conception of it. When reading my diary I wish you would point out any passages which display it.
4) My symbol Saturnus. I believe I have written you once how I came to use it. It was quite accidental for lack of something else. I have a great lack of imagination. To have to choose something like this can produce an agony in me. So I chose an astrological symbol because it was simple and presented itself after 2 weeks of useless thinking about it as the easiest way out. The by-thought was that some people might be shocked, because G in Theosophic circles meant something bad, the devil or so.
I would be quite willing to change it, as some passages in my diary show plainly. But which? The symbol must cover various requirements: it must have a meaning for my nature; others must not know this meaning. Now the word "Pertinax", as you insist of calling me, has this not at all. Therefore, I am not going to use it. I did it only once: when I sent you a cable from Leipzig. This was done for a definite reason: everybody thought that everybody was a spy around you, Marie [Maria de Miramar], and thus also me. It showed itself quite silly in the train from Brussels. Marie actually thought some people in the train were agents also some people at a Thuringian station who looked attentively into our compartment. They were just students who tried to flirt with Marie because of her striking looks. So when I arrived in Leipzig I wanted to sign the telegram with a name that was not known to those people checking up on everything you received, and so signed Pertinax.
My mind is quite sterile if I turn it to choose a new symbol. I have thought of Jupiter, because it is so opposed to Saturn. But it sounds so pretentious and I am not going to use it.
5) How I stand with Marie. You and Cora [Cora Eaton] have not positively believed that I have flirted with her. I can only assure you that this is not the case. This is 100% true. If it is so, I don't know what flirting is or means. I do not love her, I never loved her, I could not make myself love her. Any thought of this has never been in my consciousness and has never been in my subconscious either, because at one time or other a thought (which is hidden from the open consciousness and dropped into the subconsciousness and leads to actions) must have been created in the consciousness and repressed from there.
There are two occasions of which I can think as giving cause to such a belief: in Leipzig in Auerbach's Keller at the dinner. Cora, Gretchen, Hopfer [Oskar Hopfer], I am sure you, and I, believe I.W.E. [Martha Küntzel], all thought that I was in love with Marie. The fact was that there was one or two traits of her manner enlivened me and still can do so. I cannot explain in words which they are. I think her eyes are beautiful, also sometimes the lines of her face and a certain expression. Things of that sort do not give any sexual desire. I have often analysed myself whether I could possibly force myself, if only, to kiss her. I always had to answer in the negative.
If all the same judgment of such unconcerned people agreed about the phenomenon, the appearance must doubtless be against what I say above. I can, of course, only state my side of it. I am far too strong in the conviction of my purity in this particular case as that I would even so much as attempt to defend myself.
The other case was in Joachimstal. It is even less proving than the first. The fact is that I am greatly bored with this constant half French conversation. The atmosphere, particularly in Joachimstal, was very boring too. Perhaps there was something in Marie's nature which brought out that spark that only shows up in conversation with me once in every 3 or 5 years. For 1 hour and not longer, if that long.
I am inclined to think that people underrate the congenital coldness of my nature and its lack of reaction to its surroundings and interest. I get even tired to write about the matter. I only felt it necessary to give you as full an explanation as possible, because you seem to misjudge me or not understand me in sexual matters.
This should naturally lead to the 4 or 5 other points on the sexual problem which I have on my soul. But I do not want to write about them.
P.S. A psychoanalyst might ask: "Perhaps you wanted to have a victory over 666"? Or "tease Cora"? Try as I would I cannot recall such a motive or a similar one. Such a motive would also show a lack of nobleness and fairness which would be entirely foreign to my nature. I rather have a defeat than obtain a victory in unfairness. This is just my defect and you should know it better. What I much rather think is: It was my job to entertain M[arie]. It certainly was a job. I made up my mind to "sacrifice" myself. The successful "sacrifice" perhaps created "spiritual energy". The thought just came to me and might give me a start in solving the puzzle as to what "sacrifice" means?
K.G.
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