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Correspondence from Jane Wolfe to Aleister Crowley
[9 September 1943]
I have been through a deep dark forest throughout the summer, and perhaps let myself stumble around more than was necessary. I tried writing you several 'times, but always failed. After recovering from the fatigue of endless talks and arguments which finally terminated with Wilfred's [Wilfred Talbot Smith] departure, I was tormented by a disquietude about myself and the Order.
I did not really belong.
Would I ever belong?
Did I want to belong?
I finally realized that I had to be of the Order, and also that I could not just automatically work along with it because I had been in Cefalu, and because I accepted LIBER AL. There was never any doubt in my mind about the A∴A∴ and LIBER AL I always accepted from the time I got the Blue Equinox [Equinox, Vol. III No. 1] in my hands, although I had to battle much therein, of course.
I need people badly, but other than with the few I am irked and therefore ill at ease. People bore me, and this brotherhood business I could not accept. Jack [Jack Parsons] lately helped me here, when I spoke to him. He said, "On the magical plane we are blood brothers." He also awoke in me, for an instant, the love and responsibility we owe each such brother.
I said 'for an instant', because it has not remained. Use is necessary. I assume, to bring it to full birth.
You must realize Wilfred's departure, and the talk by some members who were told he was "dismissed in disgrace", let loose the meannesses and spites which go to make up human nature, much of this, I believe, done with the idea of making good with the new heads!! I was not only utterly disgusted with brethren of the O.T.O. but exceedingly scornful of these little people. And psychically keep miles away from them.
There are times when deep within me I yearn over humanity, yet I am proud and intolerant, I believe, of individuals.
This does not mean that I "stuck up for Wilfred", as Karl [Karl Germer] seems to think. I was adamant about his leaving 1003 [1003 S. Orange Grove Avenue]. There was a definite blockage, and I wanted the darn blown open. Also, I wanted him to make good by accepting his ordeals and not evade them as I had done.
And I do not for a moment think spite or jealousy, on yours or Karl's part entered into it. (This for Karl, I send him copies of my letters to you.)
I know my failure throughout the years: lack of using those Keys of all Power which you once wrote me you had placed in my hands, but that I would have to be the Boss. Riches have been poured upon me, but they have lain and accumulated dust. And I am a missing link.
I do not dare make promises, but I shall try.
But something is wrong with the Order, and I think we started out wrong. Regina [Regina Kahl] thrived on adulation; she loved crowds, she liked to handle crowds, and she had the capacity. She made her mistake in mixtures & hodge-podges, and so lost the good people. She and Wilfred had many arguments over this; but he never felt at home with people and he gratefully let her take charge.
Because of this the Order was a social affair, everyone tumbled around with every other one—hey were "equals"; always at home, instead of on their good behaviour, their magical behaviour. People should feel it an honour, a privilege even to come to the Profess House. It should be holy ground. But the training has been all wrong, and they swarm over the place, because it is their Order!
I am going hay-wire again, so will stop. All love to you.
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