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Correspondence from Jane Wolfe to Aleister Crowley
[15 January 1944]
Yours addressed to me in Pasadena—i.e. November 8. I am delighted with the Tarot news, the inclusion of the new chapters is stimulating, and your satisfaction therewith makes me happy. I shall be glad to get some tangible evidence in my hands, for I feel Mr. Public can be talked out of some money when he sees results. Meantime, I'm quite goggle-eyed from searching in, out, and round about a mail-box so far empty of London postmarks, while the postman, is becoming leery of a she-Wolfe, lean, hungry, and with dripping jaws.
However, I am glad to be here. I am sinking down into Jane instead of living in the turmoil around me. I had to come here to realize this.
Like Smith [Wilfred Talbot Smith], there has always been conflict within me. Chiefly occasioned by my failure to make "The Great Attainment"—my task as outlined for me winter of, 1917-1918, said to be within my capacity, but so little understood! I say 'conflict' because at regular intervals it rose on my horizon to tempt me after I returned in 1927, although I assumed the return to be a definite break. In fact, I felt I went back into the womb.
Somewhat of my experience during that period of 1917-1918 I related to you, but not all. I shall include here one such, because of what I wrote Karl [Karl Germer] a year ago, and also because of a statement he made to Phyllis [Phyllis Seckler], possibly 2 months ago and just now told me by her. I want to clear Karl's mind, and yours, too, in case he told you of my Declaration.
The experience. I stood out in space. Above & over my head flowed a great silvery and Terrible Stream—flowed and yet stood still. I regarded this river with awe. Something said "Cosmic", and I realized 'if one hair of my head but touched that stream I would be instantly annihilated: but then I also realized that my being would eventually have to be attuned to withstand that terrific impact. And I further saw myself a focal point through which this stream flowed & rayed out in various directions. The vision ceased. It occurred about noon & I was fully awake.
This, and other experiences, so gripped my imagination they stood between you and me in Cefalu. Note that when I came to Cefalu, I knew nothing whatever about Liber AL. A short time after my arrival you read aloud one evening Cap. I of AL. I heard for the first time about the S.W. [Scarlet Woman]. I got the book next day, read the verses, and linked Her power ,with my 'stream' power. I was stunned. I raged, I raved, I tramped the hills day after day, for then I couldn't tolerate the thought. I did plan to leave when I went up to Palermo latter part of August for dental work, but after 2 or 3 days the still small voice bade me return.
It was not until I got to London, when I was alone & could think more freely, that I sanely speculated about all kinds of power, and that there were others who would have power with a capital P. But this vision was back of much that I did in London, 'attuning' and disciplining the body, and concerning which you warned me at the time. But, as I said, the California experiences came first, and I went ahead.
Had I told you all these things when in Cefalu; had I also been able to tell you what I saw in Palermo when I met Leah [Leah Hirsig], then you—what I saw in Cefalu on my arrival, you would have understood and be more amenable. I was all sorts of a fool. After getting to London I used to wonder how you ever put up with me. But I am grateful for Cefalu.
Now for Karl's statement to Phyllis: "No one on the Pacific Coast understands the task of the S.W." This includes me, of course; and I am going into this detail that you may know the reason for my Declaration to Karl, and also to tell you that I had to "uncover the error": and one always has to have a confessor to do this. I took 3: Karl, Wilfred, Jack [Jack Parsons]. But, by God, I laid a ghost by doing so. And now, by writing you, the slate is clean.
However, "on the Pacific" excludes other parts of this globe now worshipping with swords & spears, fire, blood, etc., so I mention that I am interested, and· hope Someone is functioning with the capacity outlined in AL, or about to do so.
While on this subject—I cannot quite accept the idea that it is merely ambition in all cases that prompts a woman to think that her role. But what is it? Also, could she not be a model?
I am using ARARITA nightly after Reguli. Sometimes I repeat all of it aloud, attempting to wrest something from this slow method. Again I turn unconsciously to III—this chapter means much to me, though why I have not, of course, discovered. Also I like the sweep from the 8th verse on to the end of the last chapter. But it all is beautiful, beautiful!
At present, at least, I don't want any Profess House, or Community house living—I want relaxation and quiet. Too much has been expected of me physically for some reason. Jack talks of my age, true, but I was always so tired I fell asleep in study circles and other evenings I went to bed not later than 9 because I was all in. Winona Blvd. wasn't anything like as hard—not so much mileage rolled up in the prosecution of labors: nor so many cross-currents. I'm through working like that, for good and all.
Shy? don't blame me—you asked for it.
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