Frank Bennett Diary Entry

Wednesday, 24 August 1921

It is now five days since I received the experience which I am now about to write down clearly and in full. I have now been able to comprehend to some extent the import of what occurred on the night of the 19th of August 1921.

It was Friday morning, when the Chief of the Abbey [Abbey of Thelema], the Beast 666, asked me if I would go with a swim with him and Leah [Leah Hirsig], his bosom companion. I was not anxious to go, not being a good swimmer, but I consented to go with them. It was a glorious morning, no wind, the sea was a beautiful indigo blue, shading to a pale green, as it came near the shore. We undressed, and sat for a time in the shade of a rock. It was while we sat enjoying the beauty of sky and sea, that the Beast said to me, 'Progradior, I want to explain to you fully and in a few words, what initiation means, and what is meant when we talk of the Real Self, and what the Real Self is.' And in a few short sentences he explained the whole thing in such a way that my consciousness seemed to expand there and then. We all entered the water, the Beast and Leah went out for a good swim; but I found myself almost faint, and could only paddle about in the water. The words of the Beast still rang in my ears, and would not leave me for an instant. I returned to shore and dressed in the shade of a rock, and waited until the others returned.

After a short time they returned, and I asked the Beast to repeat to me again, what he had said before we entered the water. Reluctantly he did so; then remained silent and walked back to the Abbey with his companion. I followed with the weight of his words sinking deeper and deeper into my consciousness.

I tried very hard for some time to get the meaning of what he said, but my mind would give no solution. At seven that evening I went to Pentagram as usual, feeling nothing unusual. And after the Ceremony, four of us sat talking, while we drank coffee. I got very interested in the conversation, and began to explain the principle of the subconscious mind, and what the subconscious mind was; and how it was most important to get in touch with it. We talked on until 11 p.m. Then I retired, perfectly healthy in mind and body.

I changed into pyjamas and got into bed, but felt no inclination to sleep. The idea of the words of my teacher, the Beast, would persist in my mind. I tried all I could to shut them out, but the more I tried, the more persistent they became, until my head felt as if it were about to split. I rolled and tossed upon my bed in agony, and the pain became greater and more acute, so that I could bear it no longer. It was 3 am., and the bed was wet through with perspiration; and so was I, but I did not know it then. I leaned out of the window to get some air, for I felt suffocating; and my head felt as if something within was swelling and increasing, until I felt as if it must soon break. I had to hold it with both hands, the pain was so intense.

The room was too cramped, there was no air. I must get air, or I should go mad. I went outside, still holding my head, which still seemed to increase in size. I walked upon the hard rough mountain paths without feeling them. I was suffocating, and I struggled and fought like a drowning man. And the more I struggled, the greater the pain in my head became. I became desperate and fought like a madman; and it was in this desperate struggle that something within me said 'breathe deep', which I did, and at once became much calmer. As I breathed deeper and fuller, the calmer I became, until I became conscious that I was walking in bare feet on the hard sharp stones and thorns, and that I was cold and wet. My head became less painful, and it seemed as if instead of something breaking, it was closing in, and at the same time enfolding something.

I returned to my room; and now my mind was still, but absolute blackness pervaded my whole being. I looked at my watch: it was now 3.30 am., I soon fell asleep. All next day I was very perplexed, in fact very miserable. I could not read or enjoy anything, and I was glad when night came again. I retired early, about 9.30 pm. And as I expected, almost as soon as I lay down, the same thing began again as the night before. The words of the Beast came again to my mind, and the same dull pain in the head. This time I watched the process without any fear, or any struggle. I kept quiet and still, and as I became quiet the pain decreased, and a calm deep peace spread over my being. I became aware of some great force coming over me; my mind became alert and keen, but there was still that deep blackness that was in my mind the night before.

The words of the Beast came to me again, and I began to analyse them, and see what they meant. And my mind began to work on them without effort, and I could see the full significance of the truth of what he said. For at that moment all became radiant and beautiful, my consciousness expanded to touch the inner world of realities—my mind had come into contact with some inner centre of my being, which was God. Many things which had been difficult, and almost impossible, now seemed easy. My mind worked on, solving many problems, and the real meaning of a Magical ceremony, which I wrote out the next day. I eventually fell asleep in peace, and rose the next morning feeling a new being. Everything was filled with new Life, Love, Liberty, and Light.

'Love is the law, love under Will.'

Frater Progradior.

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