Frank Bennett Diary Entry

Sunday, 11 September 1921

Sunday. Got up at 6 a.m., washed and dressed and was doing nothing particular, just waiting for 7 a.m. and breakfast. Pentagram over at 8.30. Then came to my tent, and everything being very quiet and still, I started Liber Samekh. This lasted until 10; then I felt very cold, though it was a very hot morning.

So I entered my tent to meditate on physical and subconsciousness, and the debate seemed to go on within me as to which it was. And as this internal struggle went on, I became conscious of physical pain. I was burning with fever, and I must have a drink, or I should certainly be very sick, and in fact I was very sick, but a drink would put me right. I was about to take a drink, when I looked at my watch: only ten more minutes to go, then I could drink. But those ten minutes were one long eternity, and when they were finished, I had not strength to drink. In fact, I was in a high fever, of this I was sure, and burning like Hell's furnace, yet could not sweat. So I got up with much difficulty from my Asana, sitting to position; as a matter of fact, I rolled over. This disturbed my whole physical being, which began to turn itself inside. I vomited all the green slime of Hell that was inside me, and at that moment just looked and felt like Hell. But after a while lying still, I felt much better, and my thirst had increased. So I walked like a drunken man to the Abbey [Abbey of Thelema], and one of the inmates made me a strong glass of lemon drink.

1 o'clock; after writing this will go to dinner.

HOW PROGRADIOR MOUNTED THE FIRST STEP OUT OF HELL

It is a very beautiful day, and feeling very tired after the experience of which complex had possession of the mind, I lay down and fell into a light sleep. Once again, I was travelling up the mountain path, my Holy Guru walking behind, with his right hand on the donkey's buttocks. And the ass was very quiet until they came to the same step where, as before, the donkey would not go. And lo! Again the donkey would not mount, but walked to and fro before the step. So I said to my Holy Guru: 'I thought I had mounted this before.' And now he hung his head, and turned and went, as before, down the path. As he went further away, it began to get very dark, and the light that I thought was day, I found was his great light. Now when the donkey saw it was getting dark, he began to shake himself, as if he was determined to get rid of his rider. So when I saw this, I took firm hold of his mane, intending to creep my hands along his mane, and so take hold of his long ears. But even as I was considering this project, lo! The donkey was shrinking in size, and I became greatly afraid as to what was about to happen. And very soon he was again a boar, with his horn brighter than ever.

Now when I saw this, and found that the pig had no mane, I took firm hold of the thick, rolling, loose skin that hung about this neck. And as he found that I was still gripping him firmly, and digging my fingernails into his thick, bristly neck; he began to run about, and with his front feet tried to put out the light in his horn, which now burned very bright. When he found it was impossible to put it out, he turned and ran down the path along which my Holy Guru had gone. But, instead of turning to the right as he had done, he bounded as fast as his legs would carry him down the left hand path. Now Lo! As he was passing down this path, he came to two cross ways, and now he took the right hand path. At this I begun to rejoice, for I thought surely this is the right path. And now in the distance, I saw the light of a small town, which very soon we entered. My pig knew everybody, but nobody noticed me. So I became very sad, and immediately the light in the pig's horn grew dim, and he became restless. But now he could not rush about as he had done on the mountain; there were far too many fat greasy, ugly pigs about, which looked at him very angrily when he touched them. So now I said: 'Oh Adonai, help me to overcome this Monster.' And I began to kick him under the cheek, and he grunted with pain, until at last I was able to force him up the mountain path. Now it happened that we had to pass his filthy sty, and he made every effort to get to it. But now he was very tired; and every time he turned towards it, I could give him a mighty kick, and on he would go, very slowly.

Now at last, we turned the bend in the path, and we saw the step. At the sight of this he stopped, plunged, kicked, and grunted, until at last he fell down in the path, utterly exhausted, and the light in his horn grew brighter and brighter. When I saw this, I had a feeling of triumph, and was about to dismount from him, thinking him dead. When Lo! A strange thing happened—he was growing into a warm, living, fierce, eager animal, which I was sure was the donkey again. But now he had a horn also, a very peculiar one. It stood out of his forehead, just below his eyes, and had a spiral twist to it, almost to the end, which was pointed. And the end shone with the light of many candles, but much brighter. He turned his head to the left and right, so that I could not entwine my fingers in his thick short mane. Then I thought: 'This one looks as if he had energy enough to scale and run round and round the whole Mountain.' But he would not move. So I began to creep my hand along his neck, trying to lay hold of his ears, so that I could shade his light, the better to see him and the path thereby. But he was very subtle and strong. He raised his head, plunging it around, and throwing it as far back as he possibly could. Now by this time I was burning with the heat of his body, and suffocated by his breath, so that I had a terrible longing for water. Oh, if only I could get water! The more he reared and dived, the hotter I and the ass became.

Then after a long time of terrible agony, I thought he was going to leap upwards over the step. But no; he turned suddenly to the left, and raced like a madcap in the wind, over the mountain. I knew this was the wrong way, but the rushing air gave me comfort. But Lo! Now I became very cold and sick. I trembled in every part of the body. When at last I felt like falling, I called my Holy Guru by his Magical Name, and the light in the animal's horn began to revive. Now I saw he was heading like a lightening whirlwind towards the sea. 'Oh God, will he plunge me in at this speed? If he does, I have no chance. I shall be drowned!', and at this, I almost lost consciousness, with the heat of his body and breath. Then, with one exulting yell, he plunged into the water, which was icy cold, and brought back somewhat to consciousness. I was going down, down, down, at a terrific rate—just able to hold on to his mane, with a few hairs twisted round my fingers. And now I saw he was galloping, trying to go faster and faster. Then I saw that his speed was decreasing, yet he still made the same effort to reach something, or somewhere. At that, I looked down into the black depths, and behold, I saw the faint dull brown red light of a city. But I also saw that I could not reach it; and I was glad. So at last he tried to turn back, and tried feebly to shake me off his mane, because I was now a drag. At last he reached the surface; and as he rose up, a great wave washed me upwards. Seeing this, I guided myself right onto his shoulders, and my hands slipped over his ears, each grasping one ear firmly; for, strangely enough, the weaker he got, the stronger I grew, until at last I could guide him quietly and easily.

Now I could see very well, for the light in his horn shone very brightly. So I turned his head up the Mountain, but I could not find any path. So we had to travel over the rough ground of the Mountain. And now I saw that the ass was getting very weak, but still kept my grip on his ears. By this time the ass could only walk with great difficulty and pain, so that I let him rest a while. And Lo! He began to vomit green, thick, frothy vomit, which almost made me sick. I thought to let go my hold on his ears, but as I thought this, the light in his horn, which had been very bright, began to dim. When I saw this I gripped him more firmly, and forced him onwards. He went very slowly, as if each step he took was bringing him nearer his life's end. After a while, we reached a ridge on the Mountain, from where I could see the narrow path in the distance. I urged him towards it; but the ground was rough and steep, with great sharp stones lying on all sides, and thick brambles growing around them, which made it very difficult for a sick donkey to travel. But at last we reached the path, and the light in his horn was very bright; but the donkey seemed ready to die.

Now when I saw we were on the right path again, I gave thanks unto the Queen of Heaven; and the light grew brighter with the light of many candles, so that I had to shield my eyes with the donkey's ears. And as I brought the ears together, my thumbs crossed each other in the form of a cross (this: X) and at once I saw my Sigil that I was to concentrate upon. So I kept my eyes fixed on the cross which I made with my thumbs; and the donkey went up the path, very slowly and feebly, in a straight line. This I noticed that so long as I kept the cross before my eyes and in my mind, he could do no other than go straight. Now seeing this, I gripped his ears more firmly, and kept my eyes steadfastly on the cross. And I felt a jolt, as if the donkey were mounting some high step. And Lo! He had mounted the step without my thinking, while my mind was fixed on the cross.

I now began to rejoice, but as I did, the light grew dim. So I fixed my eyes and mind on the cross my thumbs made. The donkey went on more slowly than ever, he almost stopped. With great difficulty did he drag one leg after another; and at last he stopped and shivered. He began to grow less, until my feet touched the ground. Then another strange thing happened—he began to grow again, and grew larger than he was before. He had now a beautiful glossy hide, which felt like silk. He was full of fire and life. He sniffed the air as if to find out something. When I saw this, I took a firmer grip of his ears, which I had loosened but not let go, while he changed. Now he shook his head, threw it up in the air, twisted and turned it in all directions. But I now having found that I must keep my eyes on my sigil—the cross—fixed them again on the symbol, and held him firm, so that he could do no other than go on up the path. On he went for some time, and I noticed that the darkness was getting thicker. Although the light in my fine animal's horn was brighter than it had ever been, the darkness was darker. This perplexed me somewhat. And now my animal was getting very restless, and went from one side of the path to the other, getting more and more restless.

I now saw that in front of him was another high step, which I could see he did not intend to mount. Now by this time, my eyes had got used to the darkness. I could not see very far in the thick dark cloud, but on the right side, I could see very faintly a door. And Lo! On the door was my Sigil. This sight brought me back to fix my mind on it again; for my animal had become very restless, and was kicking and flinging himself about, as if bent on the destruction of something. Now as I took my Sigil again, he became quiet. He now wanted to get away from the door, which he did. And now his horn touched the door, and Lo! It opened, and there was a room with dark grey walls, and a table, at which sat an old man, who looked up slowly and said—'What seek ye' I said 'Peace.' 'There is no peace in this Mountain, as you should by this time know. I watched thy mad race over the Mountain, and knew that the Sigil must bring thee here ere long. Now thou wilt have to follow the Sigil to the place where it leads thee.'

While he had been talking, the animal I had been riding had come into me, and I had entered it, and now stood upright as a man, with the horn glowing still brighter on my forehead. The old man turned to a door on his left hand, on which again I saw my Sigil. This he opened, and said: 'You must now go through this door and down the circular steps, and find out what the Sigil means.'

Without hesitation I entered, and the old man said as a warning—'When thou art plunged into water again, remember the Word of true Magic—ABRAHADABRA.'

Now I went down the steps, seeing the way in the dark by the light of my horn. Down and down I went for a long time, until I was getting tired. Then down in the darkness, I saw a dull brown red glow of light, dull with fumes, smoke, and emanations. And in a short time I came to a place full of people, all dressed in gaudy finery of the loudest sensual colours that one could imagine. Fat, bleary eyed men, drunk with debauch, with thick saliva running down their jaws, and dropping on their gaudy clothes, which were covered with coarse jewellery. The women, who should have been beautiful, were mere skeletons; they had flesh on their bones, but they had no individuality, no personality, no nothing. They were merely the bought things of the fat pigs, which they called men.

All this time, I had stood in a dark corner where the stairs had landed me. As I looked around for some place to sit and watch without being seen, I saw a young girl, more beautiful than all the others, sitting in a dark corner crying. So I went up to her and said: 'Why dost thou cry, Fair Maiden?' She looked up and said: 'I want to leave this place, and find things out for myself, and because of this the people all laugh at me. My Father wants me to marry a man, whom he himself is afraid of, and whom I hate. That is why I sit alone in this dark corner. I hate all this pretense and sham, I want Life and Love.' I said to her 'No, you want Light, Life, Liberty, and Love.' She replied with sparkling eyes 'Yes, yes, yes, yes!' Now this young girl was very frail. Her complexion was the dead white light of the moon, but behind it, it had the promise of the true colour of Life. She spoke again saying: 'There is no Love here. These people I know, I feel do not know. They just buy what they think they want for the moment, but the next moment they see a new toy.'

When I heard this, I went forward into the light, and shouted at the top of my voice: 'Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law!' On hearing this, one bleary-eyed fat pig said 'We do, we do.' I replied in a loud voice: 'You say that you do what you will—why, you do not even know the meaning of Will! You do what you like, everything your lower nature likes, and you think that is your Will. If, then, it is your True Will to do these things, why do you creep like hunted animals out of sight, away from the open daylight? Why, instead of enjoying your true nature, do you fall like pigs after the first taste, into unconsciousness? Here you love to stay in the dark and secret places of the earth, taking by force that which you desire, without consideration for the will of the other person. I tell you that if you will follow your True Will, you may have all that you desire, and in the open marketplace—without fear or shame—nature will satisfy her wants. You shall drink strong wine, and wine that foams, and shall not lose the sense of pleasure, but these things must be done to the Queen of Heaven.'

While I had been saying this, all the people had become quiet; but when I spoke of the Queen of Heaven, they began to shout, calling their attendants and slaves, and told them to take me and throw me into the Black Stream. With this, six big men took hold of me, and carried me down a dark passage to a place where I could hear the slow swish of water. And without a word, they threw me into the black, thick, slow-flowing water. At this time, a deep despair came over me—for how could I possibly get out of this dark underground stream? I was getting faint and weary, and almost about to give up hope, when the light in my horn, which the thick water had up to now hidden, began to shine dimly. It gave me hope, and I remembered the old man's words 'Remember the Word of True Magic when thou art in the water.' So now I began to say over and over again, many times, 'ABRAHADBRA'. And I began to receive strength, and swum along with the stream. I swam for a very long time, until almost too weak to go further. I saw a small white light a short distance ahead. And I swam slowly towards it, and found it was an opening in the rock, just above the water. So with great difficulty I climbed up and got through, and found it was just breaking day. Then I fell down fainting by my great struggle.

[17]