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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Wednesday, 13 December 1911
No ceremony.
9:06 P.M. (This is actual 8:59 circa.)
Ready.
9:07 P.M.
P[erdurabo]: Nemo Adest.
9:10
Seer ready.
P[erdurabo]: Is Ab-ul-Diz there?
S[eer]: Has been here for some time.
P[erdurabo]: Will he answer questions?
S[eer]: Yes.
P[erdurabo]: C.A.c.? (Can Anna come?)[1]
S[eer]: C.A.?
P[erdurabo]: n.n.e.? (Can Preston [Preston Sturges] come?)
S[eer]: Yes: always and O.F. Faith (3 times.)
P[erdurabo]: n.a.e. (Can Anna come?)
S[eer]: No. (Tonight there’ll be trouble. I feel it.)
P[erdurabo]: Why?
S[eer]: Lack of faith. If only you’d believe and go straight etc.
P[erdurabo]: Who is doubting?
S[eer]: You. (P.)
P[erdurabo]: Not at all.
S[eer]: Yes.
P[erdurabo]: You, o seer, have doubted.
S[eer]: (General assertion of faith.) Prove me.
P[erdurabo]: I tried you.
S[eer]: 3—2.
P[erdurabo]: I tested your faith several times.
S[eer]: The answer is X.X.X.I.A.A. and you never tried the supreme test.
P[erdurabo]: W.K.g.i.h.p.? (Will Kundry g[ive] up her p[earls]?)
S[eer]: No; not yet.
P[erdurabo]: What will happen in that case?
S[eer]: What happened to you before.
P[erdurabo]: Ah God!—Is it too late?
S[eer]: No. Not too late, but too little faith.
P[erdurabo]: Take these in your hand. (P. gave S. the [pearls].)
S[eer]: Why?—They’ve disappeared, there’s nothing left; they no longer exist. - - - - - - Never mind: I’m at home with them; (I.e., the Brothers) how well they know! - - - - - Begin his name with last letter; write it otherwise and add 22. Begin with - - - - - Z I D L U B A add 22. Oh, mother! (A noise.) P[erdurabo]: What have you done?
S[eer]: I’ve thrown away the p[earls]. I was quite right. He tells me so. If you can’t give me spiritual gifts and things of value I don’t need any. I don’t need pearls; I need light.
P[erdurabo]: What shall be done with the pearls?
S[eer]: Nothing; they’re of no value. Understand; for God’s sake understand. You must ask such questions differently.
P[erdurabo]: S.t.p.b.s.t.V.? (Shall the pearls be sent to V.V.V.V.V.?)
S[eer]: Wait: and know. You were answered this question before.
P[erdurabo]: B.n.? T.s.u.s. (But now? They stir up strife.)
S[eer]: Yes: are you (P.) ready to serve?
P[erdurabo]: Have I not served?
S[eer]: Not completely.
P[erdurabo]: What remains for me to give up?
S[eer]: The Unknowable. There are seven stars. (7 “x” s) 5 you have past; 2 are ready. 1 you hold now in the form of a cross. Now ask what you will. All help is ready. Are you ready to serve? Ask what proof you will.
P[erdurabo]: Yes. M.w.t.A.w.u.? (May we take Anna with us?)
S[eer]: A man on a journey.
P[erdurabo]: Yes or no?
S[eer]: Yes.
P[erdurabo]: M.w.t.P.a.w.? (May we take Preston as well?)
S[eer]: Yes.
P[erdurabo]: But you said otherwise before. Why this change?
S[eer]: Lack of faith.
P[erdurabo]: We swear to obey whatever you order in this matter. A.w.t.b.t.o.f.? (Are we to be three or four?)
S[eer]: To go?
P[erdurabo]: Yes. T. or F.?
S[eer]: Ask in another way.
P[erdurabo]: The Moon or the Empress?
S[eer]: Ask it differently.
P[erdurabo]: —The shape or the numeration? ([...] of [...])
S[eer]: The Enumeration.
P[erdurabo]: Why have you altered your mind? I.i.f.k.f.K.? (Is it from kindness for Kundry?)
S[eer]: No.—My God, they seem to say lack of faith, lack of faith, lack of faith! I think there’s a journey all prepared, etc.
P[erdurabo]: M.K.d.a.s.w.? (May Kundry do as she will?)
S[eer]: Yes.
P[erdurabo]: Then it’s of no importance?
S[eer]: Yes. (I.e. it is of importance.)
P[erdurabo]: And success depends on the wisdom of Kundry?
S[eer]: On love!—On love! They’ve come to help and not to hinder. They show always the sign 11.—There’s no fear about me!
P[erdurabo]: N.w.w.a.m.? (Need we worry about money?)
S[eer]: Have faith! Have faith! Have faith! Read the sign of the Moon! (I.e. as long as we love we needn’t worry.)
9:45
They have me seated on centre of table.
P[erdurabo]: S.I.s.t.[. . .]a.u.f.o.? (Shall I send the [...] away until further orders?)
S[eer]: Wait! (Why?)
P[erdurabo]: S.I.h.t.i.a.c.p.? (Should I hide them in a consecrated place?)
S[eer]: W.t.c.? (With the c[...]?)
S[eer]: Yes: That will do.
P[erdurabo]: W.K.t.s.a.o.? (Will Kundry serve truly and obey?)
S[eer]: Yes.
P[erdurabo]: Raise your hand and swear it.
S[eer]: I swear to serve truly and to obey.
P[erdurabo]: Will you allow anything to interfere?
S[eer]: Nothing.
P[erdurabo]: It is recorded.—S.w.t.P.i.t.s.o.t.B.? (Shall we take Preston into the secrets of the Brotherhood?)
S[eer]: No.
P[erdurabo]: Very good.
S[eer]: Have you complied with all regulations?
P[erdurabo]: No.
S[eer]: Why not?
P[erdurabo]: Kundry is too proud to be a mere Probationer.
S[eer]: (All is expected of you). It’s not necessary. X! X! X! = 30.
P[erdurabo]: Then why complain of my not keeping regulations?
S[eer]: To test you.
P[erdurabo]: (Yes: I had admitted Kundry to all knowledge necessary and will admit her further as may seem useful.) I ask W.i.h.r.g.? (What is her real grade?)
S[eer]: 4º = 7o.
P[erdurabo]: Will it please you if I admit her formally to that grade?
S[eer]: Yes.
P[erdurabo]: Give me a sign of authorization.
S[eer]: V.
P[erdurabo]: One V?
S[eer]: Either 5 or 6.
P[erdurabo]: Give the sign of V.V.V.V.V.
S[eer]: Looks like God or All.
P[erdurabo]: I want a symbol.
S[eer]: The Eye!—What’s L.V.? (the L. reversed).
P[erdurabo]: I.C.t.p.f.o.m.r.? (Is Capri the place for one magical retirement?)
S[eer]: I see after it 42.
P[erdurabo]: That means no?
S[eer]: I see V.I. (I. illuminated) V.I.X. or V.I.Z.
P[erdurabo]: No?
S[eer]: No: not no.
P[erdurabo]: Then it means yes?
S[eer]: I’m afraid it does mean no. (I’m in a scale being weighed against nothing. This because P. said the question was a trifle. To serve is my motto.)
P[erdurabo]: I.n.C.,w.? (If not Capri, where?)
S[eer]: You were answered that two years ago; but now they can tell you for certain; it has P.A.X. after it, or 1600.[2]
P[erdurabo]: Do you wish Abuldiz to be your teacher or master?
S[eer]: Oh yes! He is my master.
P[erdurabo]: Will you write his name: is his handwriting on the form of the Probationer?
S[eer]: I.R.I.S. (?) (S. signs this form.)
P[erdurabo]: Concerning your motto, is it to be in English, or if not, in what language?
S[eer]: I.V.A.H.O.
P[erdurabo]: What does it mean?
[S[eer]:] My motto is simply ‘‘I serve’’.
P[erdurabo]: In English or Latin. etc?
S[eer]: It doesn’t matter: it means the same thing. Virakam is the name.
P[erdurabo]: Virakam means ‘‘I serve’’?
S[eer]: I don’t know.
P[erdurabo]: Ask them what Virakam means.
S[eer]: I serve the Light. I tend the Light. Only believe. I do believe. I here sign my name as faithful to this revelation and obedient to it. (Sig. Mary d'Este-Sturges Virakam).
P[erdurabo]: When will Abuldiz again speak with us?
S[eer]: On the 5th, in the morning; you will know why.—(I think on awakening.)
P[erdurabo]: The 5th day from now?
S[eer]: I don’t know.
P[erdurabo]: Ask.
S[eer]: The 19th.[3]
P[erdurabo]: Right.
S[eer]: But it will be different. All so beautiful, and you will know why. No need of champagne! They make a peculiar little sign on going (I couldn’t quite catch this sign. Something between Q.X. and H.P.K.)
P[erdurabo]: —Valetes, Fratres! Arise!
S[eer]: They give a number as they go away—400. A terrible bad number, but it was meant for me!
1—[Anna was the Desti family's French maid.]
3—[P.S.] On
the 19th at 6:01 A.M.
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