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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Friday, 26 December 1919
26 Dec. [I Ching Hexagram] XLIII. I understand little about Kwai—and I doubt if the Duke of Chau[1] knew all
9.30 p.m. It appears that at least the perceptions of an Ipsissimus accompany the conclusion of the Initiation of a Magus. This particular evening, I got there in an imaginary conversation with Ananda Metteya [Allan Bennett], when I said: ‘Nibbana is a matter of utter indifference.’ (Cf. The Book of the Law.) One is ready to take any particular experience, having transcended Sorrow so completely; and this is the way of the Tao. It is then clear that if Orthodox Buddhism protests against this view, Orthodox Buddhism is wrong. Nibbana must not be represented as a refuge from Sorrow. He who conquers Sorrow turns back from Nibbana. This is then the ‘renunciation’ of the Buddha, and this is exactly why the Pacceka-Buddha[2] is a coward, a mother’s darling.
9.40 p.m. I am terrible in my love for Babalon. It obsesses me. And yet Alostrael [Leah Hirsig] loves me as of old, and Jane Wolfe haunts me—a Ghost of the Future! Ghostly indeed; her pictures and her letters tell me little. She flits, a wraith, over the Great Court of Trinity where I am to meet her in June. But—Babalon!
9.50 p.m. Thinking of the above notes, a crude criticism presents itself. The answer is that I am right in being enthusiastic about my program. As long as it was worth while to choose between Babalon and Nibbana, I could choose Nibbana, I could choose Nibbana. Now it doesn’t matter . . .
I acquiesce fully in the Universe. I say this as a separate being. Then am I to seek ‘better’ things? No, but that Element which ‘seeks to better’ can work through me.
This should have been learnt thoroughly in 8º = 3o. Note that the High Trances cannot be given until the Ego has been killed for good and all. A ‘normal’ man with such gigantic Experiences as I have had must have gone mad.
9.55 p.m. A Mr. Crowley has cynically remarked: ‘It would be nice to be able to sin again!’
Isn’t this a key to the origin of evil? This naif love of conquering obstacles explains Duality. This, then, on a low plane is the Reason for the One to become Two. Of course, there are lots of other reasons; the general formula being that the Absolute can only express itself through the Relative.
10.00 p.m. Attainment is insanity. The whole point is to make it perfect in balance. Then it radiates Light in every direction, while the Ipsissimus is utterly indifferent to it.
Yet I find myself hoping that others may attain.
I am not a full Hermit yet.
Ought I to be? I will be indifferent to that at least.
Then I go on hoping.
All right: don’t bother!
1—[The Duke of Chau (or Chou) is one of the reputed authors of the Yi King.] 2—[The Pacceka-Buddha enters into Nirvana straight away as opposed to the Buddha who decides to remain in the world until all created beings are saved.]
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