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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Friday, 17 February 1922
I slept at once, woke at 3 for a few minutes, woke fresh and fit at 8.15, slept again till nearly 12. There has been a lot of violent sweating. I am now very slack still, despite the length of the rest.
2.10. P.M. Medium. Had been feeling very badly, chilled, empty etc. Some relief, not complete.
2.24 P.M. Big. This put me at ease; but I was aware of an absurd wish to let myself go. This wish had no rational basis, positive or negative; it seemed principally due to the spirit of revolt against restriction.
2.25. T —— E —— not at station. I began the walk along the crest back to Fontainebleau.
3.8. Medium.
4.00. Medium. No need but I don’t want to risk the loss of prestige involved in having to go back on my programme some other day.
4.21. I now feel in first-class shape all round. I walk briskly and blithely, and have a ridiculous feeling I must be “looking my best”
4.32. Small. Pro forma.
4.55. Big. The result of this dose was (apparently) that I was suddenly overcome with somnolence. I can hardly keep my eyes open, or hold my pen. I must lie down.
5.06. No: the feeling passes off, to some extent.
Tomorrow's programme:
Reveille = 1.30 P.M.
Curfew = 4 P.M.
Doses: 5
I know that I am not diminishing very rapidly. But I have organized and restricted the business. Last night’s natural sleep was a big stride! I find the mirror justifies my impression that I am looking like an exceptionally handsome winner of the Diamond Sculls, whose love is returned by the loveliest lady alive.
6.15. I’m not quite “nice drunk”. This is as it should be. A few more nights like last night ought to clear up the worst of the nervous exhaustion. N.B. The cigar episode of Wednesday repeated itself!
8.38. After-dinner walk cut short by a very severe fit of shivering—the worst I have had since the time malarial cachexia was my long suit. I refuse to admit that a little Heroin would put me right.
10.50. Slept instantly but woke about 10.30 with fierce thirst, skin dry and burning, etc.
11.58. Nearly asleep; sweating heavily.
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