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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Sunday, 19 February 1922
1.11 A.M. Throat congested, stomach irritated, sleep coy; will take 1/2 tablet Dial Cina.
11.53. A second 1/2 tablet then sleep till nearly 9, and doses till 11.30.
Suffering acutely from dyspnoea, eyes watering, yawning, lassitude, etc. I suppose this is the cumulative trouble: I have arrears of my daily ration to make up. I must admit a very strong temptation to break my rules not by artifice and casuistry, but by sheer weariness of the struggle. Shouldn’t be surprised if today was a severe test of the treatment. If I break down, it is obvious that I need alien aid. It frets and weakens me that I have no news of 31-666-31 [Leah Hirsig].
1.1 P.M. Lunch and Strychnine helped (Big. 1.) out, but I was glad when Reveille came.
1.21. Big. I didn’t really want this; but I’m "hopping mad clear through" today about nothing. I had no letters. It is raw cold weather. I am upset about all sorts of things, and can’t put names to them. I expect a brisk walk would put me in good condition.
1.50. Feeling particularly well after a short stroll. Returned for my sweater, as it is very cold.
2.20. (3 plus).
3.0 (4 plus).
4.44. Back from a really good long fast walk. Feeling very much better. By a curious paradox, I want to break the regimen, so as to make better best! However, I made certain considerations, as follows: Having been busy reducing the doses, I have not been able to extend the intervals. I wanted to advance the hour of Curfew so as to avoid heroin insomnia. But I may now go on the other track. I will maintain Curfew at 3.0 and make Reveille later. e.g. Monday Reveille 1.30—3 doses. Tuesday 2.30—2 doses. Wednesday 3.0—1 dose.
It is no plan of my plan to drop from one dose to none until I have reached the interval of 48 hours. The only permissible alternative to making my one-dose days 25 hours long is this: to replace the heroin on alternate days by cocaine. The objection to the whole scheme is this; that the hour of taking the dose always approaches bedtime while it is most desirable (on the contrary) for it to be as early as possible. Suppose, however, I extend the two-dose period in this way: 1 dose on waking, the other at 3.0. P.M. and extend the interval by advancing Curfew to 2, 1, noon, and reducing to one dose when the times coincide. This scheme has the advantage of changing the physiological cycle, which compensates (I think) for the temporary reduction of the interval which it is desired to extend.
5.0. I may observe that I am recovering to a great extent my normal healthy interest in ordinary affairs, and also that I am not in the least suspicious as to my motives in making the above entry. I feel, in fact, quite considerable confidence in myself—for the first time. Indeed, I should have little hesitation for my own sake in going on the loose entirely; I refrain from doing so chiefly because it would apparently vitiate my record.
8.42. Dined rather well; feel all right, bar a tendency to indigestion observed as an intra-scapular discomfort. But I observe that my virile reaction to various matters is renewed like the Eagle’s, and a pretty nasty-tempered Eagle at that. I find myself wanting an "eye for an eye" from certain people.
11.20. Heroin was originally prescribed for my bronchitis. It stops an attack in a few seconds. Now, I have spent this evening fighting the aforesaid malady with compresses and pastilles, obtaining practically no relief. Am I morally justified in resorting to heroin out of business hours? If it were a moral question the problem would be pertinent; but it is not. I am making a purely scientific experiment with no moral implications soever; there is therefore no difficulty whatever in deciding to abstain. I mention this as an example of the astonishing simplifications effected by referring all questions of conduct to the Law of Thelema.
There is nevertheless a "critical temperature": I should take the heroin if not to do so would spoil the record in any case; for example, if the spasms of coughing increased so as to endanger life. The use of drugs in such an extremity would indeed form a pertinent episode in the experiment.
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