Aleister Crowley Diary Entry

Friday, 6 April 1923

12.15 A.M. I feel well, and glad that I have accomplished the above analysis. I have used both [Cocaine] and [Heroin] reasonably and cleverly; I feel no fear of the result. Last night's midnight [Heroin] having worked so well, I repeat it (1) [Heroin]. Also 11 [drops] Laud[anum] to sleep directly. The real danger is that ay such times as these I am tempted to doubt the necessity of cutting out [Heroin] entirely. But I will, if only to prove my point that I can. And seriously I hope that circumstances will enable me to work in the future at high pressure without the help of such agents to concentrate my mind. In the last 2 years, it has been financial anxiety and the lack of the stimulus of correspondence with Chelas or of getting things published, that is responsible for my asking sq. to banish such ideas, and "the lust of result". The recently observed ill-effects, however, are (I feel sure) due less to abuse of the drugs than to weakness caused by intercurrent [?] troubles—fever and so forth. But, be sure! the final truth of the matter is this: that I need one Big Medicine and one only: SUCCESS. "Success is your proof" it must be possible to aim at it without "lust of result". So—to Hades with the "will-to-die", and the feeling hat I have shot my bolt, and the despair at ever getting anything done, and the fear that the Gods will suddenly forget to finance me! No, damn it! I must have faith not only that They will keep me going on a shoe-string, but that They will "put me across" all over the world, that I may establish the Law of Thelema upon the Earth, and put into the hands of all men the weapons whereby they may assault the Citadel of Heaven.

7.40 Woke "fresh and strong" as per request in mantra. But shall probably go to sleep again after brekker [breakfast]! Did so.

2.10 [Heroin] (2) to settle [Cocaine] taken to write Hag [The Confessions of Aleister Crowley]. Hagged steadily till 8.20: finished China and return to England—end of 1906. All clear now to go with Magical Writings of 1911.

6. (about) [Heroin] (3).

8.40 Dizzy with [Cocaine], [Heroin] to settle (4). A good day's work at any rate! Glory to AIWASS in the Highest!

10.30 Sorry, but I must settle my nerves—over-excited with 6 hours Hag and reading Mortaldello—a great masterpiece though I says it as I shouldn't! [Heroin] (5) (This instantly composed me to the study of Poincare).

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