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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry
Tuesday, 26 June 1923
Die Mars
A bit better. I was asking two days ago for a Message from the Gods, & was put off by realizing what frightful courage was required. I made up my mind to persist, but I had been shaken and the experiment fizzled out. Courage: since, in asking an unlimited question like this, the reply may be anything whatever. Yesterday I began the Comment on LXV, iii, & continued today.
10.30 p.m. Ether 1 35/60 this afternoon. Distracted: therefore described the phenomena of distraction. Moral lessons: abandon experiment on first sure indication that one is ‘off one’s game’.
It was 8 when I came out, having been obsessed by worry about what time it was—started to hurry (full account in Ether record) & was nearly sick—& again just now.
Moral: never hurry—always stay lying down after having Ether till the effect has quite worked itself off. I am somewhat back in my old state of Good Excuses. Thus today I had one ‘very small’ before tiffin as ‘necessary’, one ‘normal’ (i.e., very large) one hour or so later on the same excuse, two ‘very small’ deliberately ‘to worship’ Hadit for the purpose of the Ether experiment, then one ‘medium’ to complete the first ‘very small’ one, so as to write boldly TWO in the record, & one very small one just now ‘emergency’ on the attack of nausea-which [Heroin] does not ward off.
The whole psychology is thoroughly bad; this is evident on inspection, but is confirmed by the following facts. I fell back into the old state of depression, caused by alarm lest I should acquire a ‘Habit’.
I began to fear lest my Will should be showing symptoms of weakness. I felt that I ought to ‘pull myself together’ & make a firm resolve to abstain wholly from the use of the drug. The necessity of definite effort is of course evidence that one is conscious of weakness; the strong healthy Will does not have to express itself. All speech is of the nature of complaint: satisfaction is content with Silence.
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