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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Thursday, 28 February 1924
die Jupiter.
1.40 a.m. Very unexpectedly—after over 40 minutes quiet and 1 1.2 Gardenal[1] find insomnia complete. Reluctantly I take 1/2 aq[uarius] [Heroin]. If it doesn't work, that will be evidence that the hypnotic action is really an invention of the fool doctors.
6.50 a.m. Woke about 6.30 with my mind all on edge. Impossible to think straight. 1 1/2 [Heroin] to clear this up.
10 a.m. Absurd bill in Commons: "Offences against person" The slum's idea of morality. For me, I would restore the death penalty for all crimes of violence—which become commoner every year. As society grows soft, the brutality of the criminal [illegible] it. We must reply: all right, if you can use violence, so can we. So we do, in prison, one may argue. Argue away: prison does not deter: the old lag is very common: the gallow does. Again, why waste so much money and so many old men on herding brutes? On the other hand, "offences" which do no harm to any one (Save through the veil of sex-suppression i.e. sex-perversion) are not matters for justice at all.
11.23 My lungs are bothering me. It is not spasmodic asthma, but a steady strain. I think O.P.V. [Norman Mudd] is right; I have had 4 years or more constant over-strain: and I had better call this a Weir-Mitchell. (2.) [Heroin]
8.10 P.M. (5) [Heroin] Over-excited by a long visit from T. Earp [Tommy Earp] and Ninette II. Counteracted same as above—probably the wisest course. But I must beware of such reasoning. I have noted a continuous progression of weakness of will in this matter dating from the first 1/2 [Heroin] at 1.40 a.m. (I am even doubtful whether it should be (5) or (6). My original argument was that Gardenal would be unlikely to work, and anyhow should not be pushed too far. Also that I was entitled to 1/2 [Heroin] and I would make up for it later in the day -- whereas I have done the contrary. This apparently trifling weakness has led me not only to exceeding my allowance—on constantly more daringly specious arguments, but into complications as to my relations with Dr J[arvis]. I am really astounded to fins what absolute soundness underlies the principles of the Puritans—and H.P. Blavatsky! (of all people!) Yes, the Yogis are right. If you are to do a thing, you must do it al all hazards. No argument is to be trusted. One must stick to the letter not the spirit of one's oath. I have said all this myself officially before now—and that often enough. And my experience with aq. [Heroin] on many occasions has amply illustrated the details of the process of drifting. Now I do believe that it is a matter of life and death for me—magically and physically—to master the drug (unaided by external compulsion as far as the magical side of it goes.) The question is: do I honestly believe (as I claimed at 6.40 a.m.) that I run the risk of pneumonia by throwing the strain of complete abstinence on my lung-tissue at this particular juncture—nervous exhaustion, weather, weakness from long staying in bed etc. etc? I do not want to take a positive oath, and find myself up against all sorts of unknown contingencies; and I don't want, per contra, to drift into a happy-go-lucky way of taking it when my ingenuity assists to that pitch! I think the solution is probably in these lines. It is part of my character to stick to a plan, despite all sorts of alarums and excursions which deceive people into thinking I have forgotten about it (Leah [Leah Hirsig] has been repeatedly amazed to find that I haven't shifted my ground one hair's breadth when she thought I was somewhere else altogether!) Look at the facts in large periods. During all 1923 I was averaging some 3 grains a day. Jan '24 I was mostly starved (replacing by Morphine hardly mattered: and I absorbed little of what I took, through nasal obstruction). This continued throughout most of Feb[ruary] with the general result that I got rid of most of the accumulated poison. Now that I measure more closely I find from Thursday 21st that I have used 1 gram: 15 gr[ain]s in 8 days. Less than 2 gr[ains] per diem. Here again we
(9.15 (6) to try out the sleeplessness act. To avoid taking any later.)
Must note that the first two days, having no means of judging the doses I used much too much: in 5 days therefore I used about 7 1/2 gr[ains] i.e. 1 1/2 gr[ain] per diem at the most. I feel sure that the last two days the amount was very much less than this. 6 1/2 x 8 drops = 52 drops. If I can keep below (4) till Saturday and (2) next week I should be able to go to Zero the week after. Again, if funds should be found for me to go away to recuperate it would be simple enough to stop at once. The real drawback is the eternal financial worry [illegible] which operates in countless indirect ways to prevent me stopping. (E.g. I should have denied myself to T[homas] E[arp] or cut the interview short or dealt with easy-sliding topics, had it not been for the dire need of getting him to help us out. And that interview "cost" me (3) [Heroin] ! ! ! )
[The following is on the back of the previous page:]
Lo! thus as prostrate in the dust I write: Still nothing doing up to ten to-night! This afternoon I strove to dig a chirp From the reluctant beak of Thomas Earp, A wealthy youth form Nottingham—were wiser If curbed his tendency to be a miser He merely liked the plan—would buy shares later The band-wagon for his! the selling-plater! As for poor me, I'm still confined to bed And like to be for some long time ahead I hope to God you've had some bad luck, and Paris Hear once again the holloa of Frank Harris!
[The following are marginal notes:]
P.S. The fall of Themus is much underestimated—even by the Quotidien! But the franc will gauge its importance. It is the beginning of the end. Henderson's gaffe, too, has given the merciless McDonald (Worthy to be a rebel for to that The multiplying villainies of nature Do swarm upon him) away pretty badly! A cabinet crash in England, perhaps when the miner's strike comes off, and the French elections, will probably put the lid on.)
10.50 Advertisements. How define what classes are honest? Some deliberately deceive the public (Beecham's Pills etc.) Some are cut-throat (Competing soaps etc.—all honest—assume!—all necessary—but the game of each to prevent its rival selling). Some create false appetites (Persuade the public their goods are necessary to health, social distinction, etc. These ruin the community outright by inducing extravagance.
Honest kinds. Plain announcements of fact. e.g., date and place of a concert. Date and place of a "Winter Sale". existence of a little-known thing of real value (But this is near the line. Patience! The good thing should spread by good report of consumers) Private needs ('petites announces' generally). Too tired to go on.
11.6 Nearly asleep. With Leah at dawn in the desert taking the Sun in my 1.h. and Moon in my r. and putting the one into my heart and the other into my Yesod. All very calm: no agitation or quivering.
1—Gardenal contains phenobarbital, a barbituate.
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