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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Friday, 29 February 1924
die Venus.
2.0 a.m. Hail unto Khephra.
Since 12 I have quite vainly tried to sleep, though unable to keep my eyes open before that. Was in a very curious state, on the brink of sleep all the time yet gradually working up from passive to active trains of thought, ultimately taking shape as considerations of my essay "The Soliloquy of Henry VI". I must have been asleep, too, in some sense of the word; for the penultimate part of the time I was composing a sort of poem to work backwards from a picture of the Civil Wars and end by quoting the soliloquy! Hardly a waking idea! Took another 1/2 Gardenal[1]. (Annoyed, by the way, at having no definite word from Jarvis [Dr. Charles Jarvis] all this time as to whether I should or should not definitely quit aq[uarius] [Heroin] add this to 8.10 P.M. last night) Note that this particular irritation is a strong stimulus to take it: I should be very greatly helped indeed by a message of encouragement, giving me confidence in my power to pull through, warning me of likely snags, and telling me how to meet them. One really begins to wonder whether doctors are not in a conspiracy to drive men into insanatoria. (Is it the 'hopeless' Robinson a type after all? Is it not the first duty of any doctor to try to understand a case? Is it not plain malpraxis to dismiss a case off-hand without examination as "obviously" of a certain character, especially when the patient displays notable expert knowledge, and insists first of all that his condition is in many respects abnormal?). They seem to know about as much psychology as hard-boiled wasp! But compare the Alpine Club—good passage for the Hag [The Confessions of Aleister Crowley] by the way!) (The doctor must if necessary be made to understand that, just as I won the bulk of the world's records for mountaineering in the teeth of the universal opinion that it was beyond human power to go safely guideless (and a fortiori alone) on mountains, so I deliberately set myself to learn to take any drug I chose and stop at will. With aq[uarius] [Heroin], realizing that—from my idiosyncrasy or what not—it was specially hard, I tackled it several times over. I have quit 4 times—this is the 5th—not beginning again till I was sure I was free. I will win out this time, if it kills me—for the honour of Man, and by virtue of my Number 666!—and I hate even to have to ask for a tip about unexpected details of trouble; and that despite the very exceptionally unfavourable circumstances of this moment—climate, cash, absence of Leah [Leah Hirsig], general overstrain culminated etc. But I see no reason why I should go under: I don't want to spoil my demonstration of what Will and Wit can do by . . . [awakening?]: and I ask myself again as I did long ago about climbing "What has become of the traditional British sympathy with pioneer pluck?" Of course, by victory I mean that I go about with aq. in my pocket and am never tempted to take it.)
2.40 Wider awake than ever. Another 1/2 G[ardenal].
3.21. No: it is utter folly to persist. I must have a friendly tip. (1). [Heroin]. Despite Bourgeois too, there comes the need to breathe most forcibly if the mouth is to keep shut.
4.15 P.M. Have written some rather drastic notes about the aq. business. The upshot is that I'm over 40, and not named A.E. Waite. It's weak of me to want advice or help in any detail soever: and it's up to me to set my teeth and die in my tracks if the Gods will have it so. But They dare not. I stand for the Free Will of Man. If I was beaten on Chogo Ri and Kangchenjunga, it was not the fault of Nature, but of the abject asses that were with me. Apart from that I am The Beast "whose deadly wound was healed" and as I conquered Sex, so will I conquer the last of the drugs.
9.0. (2) [Heroin] Slept like a log from shortly after this.
10.15 Strange! I feel perfectly fresh and fit. Not sleepy to speak of: yet I woke vigorously determined to sleep at once after brekker. The condition is very curious and puzzling: that (I suppose) is why I hanker for advice. Anyhow, the one wise plan is clearly to possess my sore impatience.
7.0. Slept till 3.30 awakened by Earp [Tommy Earp] calling. He stayed till after 6.0. I preached the Law and diagnosed him thoroughly—astrologically too! Guessed my 26 [?] (the actual day by a bit of luck) from his datum 6.15 P.M. He is distinctly impressed and admits quite freely and I think honestly that his objection to throw in his lot with me is that I shall dig him up from the Cross-roads and pull the stake out of his heart—so that it will bleed again! (Read him LXV I 12-17. It knocked him over nicely. He got a momentary glimpse of the fact that he is not as safe as he has fooled himself into supposing.) I solemnly ask the Yi for a message about him. Luna/P. Hsu. V. Waiting. The main idea is to wait for his calamity to come upon him; he should then come to me spontaneously. Incidentally, people with Aquarius are naturally vowed to help Mankind. Use this argument. (5) [Heroin] on account of his visit. I must clearly not abandon my work for the fear of spoiling the record.
9.55. P.M. I am running short of tobacco and feel the need very strongly indeed. It is in fact the sedative I require as alternative to aq[uarius] [Heroin]. Must I be starved of everything, so as to try me out fully as against all mental excitement. It is really as if I could not judge properly of any such matters at the moment. I am furthermore conscious of developing a very definite feeling of irritability about it all. (I.e. that I am not being given a fair chance. By this I mean a chance to demonstrate my thesis that all drugs can be used masterfully.) This is obviously unworthy: (6) [Heroin] but it is there. ? Connected with impatience.
1—Gardenal contains phenobarbital, a barbituate.
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