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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Wednesday, 19 March 1924
die Mercurii. 7 .0 a.m. Woke—after sound sleep—feeling ultra-rotten. A dose of the cognac-ammonia-ether potion and a little solid aq[uarius] [Heroin] restored me to my personal comfort. Indeed, the action was too violent. I have certainly recovered my drug-virginity: that proves that I am able to stop the moment physical conditions permit my throwing a little temporary strain on my constitution. Card from O.P.V. [Norman Mudd] to keep on waiting. Oh well! Yes: but if I can help myself in my own way here, of course I shall.
10.20 Exp[erimen]t solid aq. Oh yes! no doubt: violent excitement within 3 or 4 minutes—really a most unpleasant feeling. Have experienced nothing like it since the very earliest days. Moral: I simply must not take it except under actual stress of spasmodic asthma. As for the residual aq. in the system, which requires occasional replenishment, this is to be arranged by the use of the 10% solution, and the reduction to be carried out by (a) gradual dilution—filling the bottle from time to time with distilled water, and (b) replaving it by KBr—Gardenal[1] whenever I feel brave enough to use the most obvious common dose!
2.30 Another Exp[erimen]t solid aq. One quite small dose only. Action id anything more violent than before—almost alarmingly so! Enough. Once, a philosopher: twice, a drug fiend! I propose seriously to confine myself strictly to its use in three cases only
(1) on waking, should I feel really very ill indeed and then only if the 'potion' (of cognac etc.) fail to restore me. This, temporary, pending my translation to decent conditions.
(2) In case of a violent attack of spasmodic asthma. Not against mere cold, cough, or even bronchitis, unless the last when very bad and otherwise intractable.
(3) In supreme emergencies such as may happen in the career of an Holy King. I refer to moments of exhaustion in the course of an inspired writing or the like. (Avoid this, anyhow, if humanly possible, after 3 P.M.) To maintain, and even to accentuate the 'drug-virginity' which has so agreeably alarmed me, I must increase the intervals between doses of the solution, and dilute the solution gradually, as above proposed. Further, take courage and use KBr, Gardenal, or the Cognac Potion according as I may be threatened by mental excitement, sleeplessness, or collapse respectively.
To meet the now obstinate constipation, I must manage to get enough money to change my diet completely. (N.B. Yesterday's lunch out, on spinach, wine, instead of milk, and 1 gr H92C12 has done no good at all. Bowels have not moved. I walked, too, quite a little. I must dine out to-night and go a really brisk walk.)
[A side-note appears on a page previous to this:]
Burton Rascoe
Shakesp[eare]. (Blake, Burton, Thomson Harvey etc.) "Adventure" contract e.g. wild bees leather suit—danger of suffocation and so on. A.C. to become a sort of Buffalo Bill. I to sketch stories L.H. [Leah Hirsig] to write them up.)
3.10 P.M. God damn Hammond [Lorimer Hammond] of the Tribune. He was to have been here at 2. But I've finished "The Holy King" so my heart is high; otherwise I think it might have broken.
3.20 P.M. Note. I have had no impulse to use Ethel [Ether] since taking the solid aq. As the homoeooathists claim, by the way (more or less, I suppose) the taking of the solid dose has on each of the 3 occasions produced a sort of sham dyspnoea: heavy breathing, wheezing, a curious feeling of distress. I want, for instance, to clear my throat, and can't.
6.0 P.M. Have finished "The Holy King" 8000 words in less then 24 hours, with my own hand. Oh what a thundering ass I am—and oh how bloody good I feel!!
I cast the horoscope for the Spring Equinox to-morrow. I know the Word [of the Equinox] already.
Note my famous combination! This is really amazing! How can it occur so often?
[Jupiter sq. Herschel Luna con. Mercury Sol Tri. Neptune --- Tri Venus] [A word in Hebrew appears on the opposite page: VIHI AVD. 11 plus 31 = 42.]
8.10 P.M. a long drunk to ease my utter weariness of the Essay. Interrupted by "dinner". I was at once before that Judge (in S.M.F. [Sick Man's Fancies] No. ? in the Cavern) and I cried—aloud! In this room in the hotel!—"I've written 8000 words!". He relented; I'm not to be sent back to Penal Servitude. I've discovered the source of the good in me (I've made Idleness my "besetting sin" and cursed myself daily for it till I've nearly killed myself with overwork!) and this next Equinox will see me come to the Reward of my Work Va-Iehi Aud! Death or Success? The Book of the Law answers at once "Death is forbidden, o man , unto thee" and "There is success". I'll eat my supper.
8.25 It was a very interesting time with Ethel [Ether]! For one thing of oh! so many! I watched the rebirth of Hope—and sternly suppressed the rejoicings of the neighbours and family disturbing my Concentration. (Norman Mudd is right about my Puritanism. It does come from the sense of sin. I fail to get the idea of the balance in all things). That Concn. was on AL III 55-7. We are to despite (a) all chaste women—utterly (b) cowards (c) professional soldiers who etc. (d) all fools. What quality unites all these classes? I think they all lack Hadit in some way—are not real people. Mudd right too about my "Hierophantic task" G.C.J. [George Cecil Jones]—I put him through that libel case to teach him not to be so quarrelsome and cocksure. Can't think about Fuller's [J.F.C. Fuller] case yet. Must force myself to rest. And no more work like to-day for a bit; or I really will go dotty! I can't stop. . . . I will.
1—Gardenal contains phenobarbital, a barbituate.
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