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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Monday, 24 March 1924
die Luna.
12.25 A.M. Hail unto Kheph Ra!
Remarks on painting. Its tradition is miserably servile. Portrait painting—a whole branch—is fundamentally flattery of the rich. “Historical” (! ! !) pictures show the climax. What more fatuous than to pretend to portray a Battle? It is not even possible to select a single really significant scene, unless by some rare accident: e.g. Meeting of Wellington and Bulcher, or, the Retreat from Moscow. In the former case, the meeting did (in a sense) determine the issue; in the latter, the terror is in the stillness and monotony which is just what can be shown. But most battles are muddled mania; hence, the ir pictures are all, in quintessence, alike. (as a child of 7 or 8, I went to Versailles and remember acutely to this hour my utter disgust in the Galerie des Batailles. I had clamoured to be taken there, my martial spirit athirst for inspiration—and there was not one live picture on the aching acres of "travaux forces". Apart from the natural impossibility of representing a mad bull by one of its hairs, the question of snobbishness arises once more. The man with the price of the power must be the central figure, idealized out of all likeness to humanity. A plain portrait can at least be natural; but here we have a worried, harried, bewildered jackass, scared stiff by his responsibility, and in abject terror lest his next desperate throw should lose the game outright, shewn calm and statuesque. True, he often is—out of sheer cold funk, which paralyses his humanity, and leaves his mechanically-drilled husk to carry on; or by virtue of a carefully nurtured insensibility. Poor painter! Yes, he is just the slave of these worst types of 'nouveaux riches', the conscienceless assassins without even a saving sense of humour to evoke a smile when called 'patriots', and told they won the battle!
(I've wandered, over many mountain-tops, into Tibetan tortures—all wrong. A warning. I stop for Ethel [Ether].)
1.0 A.M. There was a reason for the Ethel though. Ever since I have been a little better—or so it seems—the C cough has got firmer. I can't get rid of that phlegm, nohow, sir. ? Is that due to the increased aq [Heroin]? ?---- oh hell to all the queries. Lemme sleep!
"Sleep, love, sleep! For --------etc We'll all be pinched when the copper comes by So, sle-e-e-ep, love, Sle-e-e-e-e-e-!"
1.31 A.M. Can't. The phlegm is now jammed tight. earth-aq. [Heroin] only calms the whole show, and (I suppose) lets it cook up for worse. Hence great masses of smegma [?] discharged when one cuts H[eroin] out, or low down. The Pine—Eucalyptus—Friar's Balsam loosens the cough. Doubt if Belladonna does any good, at least in doses at present prescribed. Feel fairly sure that my immunity from cough (till recently) was due to clearance caused by stopping H and the very great weakness. (Fra[ter] I.A. [Allan Bennett] the same: as he recovered strength, the symptoms hastened to return.) Best hope by far, I'm sure, quite, complete change of air and rest and [illegible] and absence of worry. Note for A.M. Try Pine inhalation and potion Cognac on waking, without earth-aq. till they've had a fair chance. Ethel n[o] g[ood] except in extreme distress—to carry over. Necessary doses increase with incredible rapidity" essential to minimize its use. My final judgment is that, apart from the change-cure, I need only some wholly new treatment for C and a small emergency supply of aq. in cure of A. (Have had no A lately, save as from C; and only a little B.) I'm hopelessly weary of the game, though; this eternal recording and analyzing and speculating—oh hell!
1.50 A.M. Come, sleep! And the Gods watch me till and when I wake, and get me fit to use for Their inscrutable designs!
3.20 A.M. I thought I had not slept; but (at least) I was very wide awake at 3 with a tremendous fir of coughing. Looser phlegm. Sat in Asana with Ethel till my limbs went to sleep and I too nearly so great was the calm. Writing this note, I nearly drop off. The coughing cleared my chest, very thoroughly. But oh! I'm so tired of these vicissitudes. I think Ethel irritates after relieving immediate trouble, for one thing: and I have used 120 grm. this 24 hours. I'm so tired of it all. And I feel as if I could never get up again—despite my having been up and out most of yesterday. One thing" the H. does not help at all in the chronic trouble. Like Ethel, it is an emergency ration, Aiwass! do with me what is best for the Work! Suspira [?] de profundis! Yes from the deepest of my heart I do 'desire death much': that is, the relief of the weight of this mortal body, this gross Restriction. And yet it is my instrument, who am Thesis: wherefore "Death is forbidden, o man, unto thee". Worst of all, H is good as a prophylactic, provided one keeps stocked fully. Hence my immunity till I came to Paris. Only option, to go without it, and be permanently too weak to cough. A filthy dilemma! Well, there are two hopes left (1) a miracle by medicine. (2) change of scene.
And with all this, VIHI AVD I shall win out.
3.40 Having opened last packet of aq. and taken a dose of everything in sight on the chance of something hitting somewhere—a wounded lion, blinded by his own blood, striking in the dark at a million mocking curs—malignant mongrels—having called also on Aiwass once again and yet more passionately and feebly, I turn once more to sleep.
2.30 P.M. A discovery (cause: medn. on two people—all but strangers—calling on us at Tunis from Cefalu). There exist anthropoids who believe in social functions—and of course have nothing else to do than gossip about them --- The extent of this revelation shocks and bewilders me: I must [illegible]: that my body may be putrefied thereby.
2.45 At lunch. Curious: I have never thought of the obvious sense of Pontifex = bridge-maker.
10.15 P.M. All afternoon with Hope Johnstone. Interlude 5.20 - 7.10 with Lorimer Hammond and Hag [The Confessions of Aleister Crowley]. Then dinner with H.J. [Hope Johnstone] and back to bed. We discuss visions, the Yi, etc, and he asks the following question: How shall I behave with regard to a certain love-affair?
[I Ching Hexagram] Water/K/ Xhui XLV Thwan: treat the matter as one of great and all importance. Consult your "genius" about it. Be firm and correct. Do not hesitate to go the whole hog, either giving up or sticking to it. No half-way measures!
Line 1. Worry due to feeling of inability to get your way; mind upset in consequence. Make sure of deciding by the light of the Highest Self in you; then trouble vanishes. [Line] 2. Adhering to the guidance of the genius, even trivial details go well. [Line] 3. You are worried by "lust of result". It seems futile to take any action. You should determine on a course, and carry it out firmly. Thus you will avoid error, though you may regret lost hopes. [Line] 4. Beware of scandal and annoyance. Whatever you do, you will be thought a rotter—bar miracles of good luck! [Line] 5. Don't be moved from your decided position. Continue long in this correct attitude, and you will see in good time that you acted rightly. [Line] 6. You will regret that the way of the world is Sorrow. However, you have done the right thing, and no better was ever possible. Xhui = collecting: scil., your faculties. avoid dispersion of mind, vacillation or distraction. 666 Passive pleasure modifying the general 'desire-complex'. The danger is that you may be led away by love of pleasure and ease, you ought to oppose fortitude and highest aspiration to the heartache, and so drift, doing the will of whim, instead of following high Purpose.
H.J. admits this answer is apt. To modify symbol to reach next situation, No. 3. This gives [I Ching Hexagram] Water/Earth XXXI Hsien.
[Line] 1. Don't go forward rashly without preparation. [Line] 2. Don't go after her. [Line] 3. Don't let sexual desires lead you by the nose. [Line] 4. Maintain firm attitude: you will thus be able to use all your faculties to advantage. [Line] 5. Disdain emotional influence. [Line] 6. "If you've got anything more to say, shut up!"
11.35 P.M. The above gave birth to a long talk—and a date for 6 P.M. to-morrow at the Dome. I shewed how love, built up from sex-attraction through affection, only to discover (too late) a fundamental spiritual incompatibility, means disaster, the Gods blasphemed taking Their vengeance by destroying the affection. The unhappy ones try to mend this by return to excessive sexual stimulus, and find increased tension in the day-time, and ultimately disgust all round. The disaster is irreparable. Vice versa, a real spiritual message, probably unconscious, awakes from above a true affection, unshakeable by any trials; and from this arises the desire to express the true Unity by destroying the sexual duality. They therefore begin to copulate with genuine ardour, not sensual, although arousing the senses to the highest rapture; and even should this enthusiasm wear out, Anteros never appears, but the past is seen to have broadened the base and deepened the foundations, of the romantic and poetic love.
But it is always fatal for the attraction to be towards each other, save only with the object of destroying the strain between the male and female forms of bodily expression. The union must not be between two opposing points; the two forces must be joined throughout their whole lengths, with compatible velocities, and a constant convergence to a spiritual norm beyond the scope of either's conscious will. (I instanced a pair of remote galaxies, in opposite directions from earth, yet forming part of a single system of physical motion. In such a case, every consciousness of each other is a "recognition", with ever-increasing certainty that the proper movement of each is such as to keep them eternally in touch, that they can never lose each other in the vastness of the Universe, yet they never clash in mutual destruction. "Twin souls are we, to one star bound in heaven". No earthly circumstance can matter to such souls, who "no rose-leaves ask to leaven the manna that the moon of Love provided". And they may be sure, moreover, that death itself can only destroy the illusion of their separateness in space, and confirm them in their real Unity of Going, the dynamic equation all independent of any material basis!
11.55 P.M. Why are "good resolutions" so hard to keep? Because they are the result of a warning from the Unconscious that the Will to act in accordance with them is badly shaken. It is as when one funks a hole, infamous for its cruelty to medal play. "I must not miss my drive"; one takes all possible pains—and foozles.
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