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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Sunday, 13 April 1924
Sol. Apr. 13.
8.30 P.M. All Friday and Saturday nervous distress increased but I did not use my last reserves of H[eroin]. I plugged in Laudanum and Gardenal.[1] Secundum artem. Simply controlling the most irritating symptoms. These were an entire lack of interested in anything. I could hardly force myself to read a Dumas novel and the idea of work or discussing any serious matter was out of the question. Towards evening (Saturday) there was a pretty bad attack of "the storm fiend" [asthma]—violent twitching of the limbs (Massage gave slight temporary relief). Note that during several days the disinclination to work of any kind, even the disability for it, became complete. So at the same time did boredom.
Light-headedness was not as notable as on previous occasions. I suspect however that reliance on ether tended to produce this. At one time I argued that mental control having apparently lapsed, I might quite simply become violent and commit suicide possibly as the result of some train of thought which like a woman's while perfectly logical failed to take into account various considerations. In particular I found myself thinking at one moment that it would be a good idea to blow my brains out, on the one hand, it would put an end to my present troubles, and on the other, the noise would be a most agreeable break in the monotony of life. The situation striking my sane self as dangerous I removed the barrel from my revolver despite the opposition offered by the pusillanimous folly of the miserable creature with whose presence I am cursed for the moment. This morning I woke to my surprise quite fresh, eager to get up, shave, dress, go out, and attend to business. The feeling of release from the habitual use of a narcotic is quite unmistakeable. It reminds me distinctly of the feeling one has after a grilling time with massage douches, and a plunge in a Turkish Bath. There is the feeling of being renewed in every way.
I went out, a lust of battle in my nostrils. It will .'. be best to enquire of the Yi on certain principle points of the campaign which must needs be waged in the immediate future.
9. P.M. Outline our immediate plan of campaign. [I Ching Hexagram] XXVIII Sol/Water. Khwei Division.
Line 1. Things come right of themselves. Tackle your enemies. [Line] 2. Expect important help. [Line] 3. Don't be afraid to get into a mess. Despite bad start the finish will be good. [Line] 4. Help from man in Line 2. [Line] 5. ditto ditto. [Line] 6. Fear is failure. The people you imagine are hostile will prove on examination to be all right.
1—Gardenal contains phenobarbital, a barbituate.
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