Leah Hirsig Diary Entry

Sunday, 14 December 1924

 

 

 

Dec 14 1924 e.v.

AN xx A in QK in ? 4:31 P.M.

     

I start a new Magical Record. For months now I have dared and sneered at and rejected what I termed "old magical methods." But all my actions to get something new have brought me merely to a state of nervous collapse which seems to have reached its limit today.

     

I can do no more than start all over again. I affirm that my only reason for holding out against what seemed hopeless and unending difficulties is that I may be of service in the Great Work. I have in the past taken upon myself a series of tasks of which I neither understood the purpose nor consciously. I do not know whether I have failed hopelessly or whether I can still make good. I do know that I can merely re-affirm these oaths, one by one; tho whichever one I may select will torture me to look at the next. But I think on reading over various old Diaries, that I had better start with my 8º=3o Oath and work along those lines.

     

I hereby, 4:40 P.M., Dec 14 repeat:

     

4:44 P.M. I did so—adding Lilith to the other names.

     

I am ashamed to say that I was weeping like a baby all the while but I think the tears have loosened up something that needed to be hit at badly.

     

5:07 P.M. I just accused myself of not having the courage to give up smoking. I have and I will not smoke until I have recovered my physical looks sufficiently to allow me to do so sensibly. I look like a butt that has been lying about for a week.

     

5:14 P.M. I take this (sip of white wine) to Nuit.

     

I take this (I dr Anh. Lew. [Anhalonium Lewinii] in white wine) to Hadit.

     

I take this (cut my wrist with razor) to Ra-Hoor-Khuit.

     

5:27 P.M. While finishing typing above telegram from 666 arrived. "Strongly advise against American. Letter follows explaining."

     

5:45 P.M. I see quite clearly that all I have been doing for the last few months was to "hate," not to "love." I mistook this for "the work of wickedness"—O.P.V. [Norman Mudd] set me right on this, though, I more or less suspected that wickedness was akin to witchery—be-witching. Didn't I call myself "Hag" and Witch and all the rest of them. Perspective is absolutely necessary. Copies of this for 666.

     

7:13 P.M. Take first meal I have really eaten for a week. 1 cigarette with coffee because I looked human. Now, no more.

     

10:10 Pentagram completed (after nice hot wash),

     

11:40 But it's all no use—my mind keeps whirling round & round.

     

12:50 M.sbtd. [masturbated] Magical (partner)

     

2:05 Been reading over Visions and also state of my life I started on Hoble's suggestions.

 

 

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