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Victor B. Neuburg Diary Entry Saturday, 19 June 1909
I shall continue the Record, though there is, alas! nothing to record.
Dinner was brought to me at about 7.30. It consisted of a cutlet, potatoes, toast; spinach-and-egg; rice-pudding and stewed figs.[1] Rather too much food, I think.[2]
After dinner, which I had in my bed-room (where now I have all my meals), I was instructed to ‘go out and cut gorse.[3] I slipped out about nine, after reading θελημα,—which by the way, I can now understand and appreciate far better and far more than formerly.
It took some time to discover gorse, but at length I saw some on the hill-side in front of the house. I cut quite a lot, returning with considerable difficulty, for I was clad in my Magick Robe, my dressing-gown, and boots, and I had to descend the hill-side with a large knife and much gorse. I returned quite safely, and went almost immediately to the Chamber, where I fell asleep, uncomfortably.
At about 12.30, I think, my host entered and asked me, had I been sleeping? I said I had, and he advised me to do Magick during the night. But I felt infinitely weary,[4] and fell asleep. I dreamed much, chiefly of matters concerning my Cambridge life, and a certain love-affair. I would observe here that abstention from books and social intercourse is, I think, the cause of my simple dreams. My dreams are usually of a much more complicated nature.
I slept on the floor, without pillow or any covering. I was clad in my Magick Robe and my dressing-gown. I certainly slept better than I expected to, though of course the cold and the hardness of the floor caused me to awake quite frequently and to change my position. Naturally, I suffered slightly from cramp, my body paining me a little every time I awoke. I was very tired indeed: I remember waking at three and at six, but I fell asleep again. I arose finally at seven, kindled some charcoal and burned incense. I tried to do yoga, failing conspicuously, owing probably to the cold.
Eventually, to calm myself and to keep warm, I strode around the Circle continuously, until I was very slightly giddy; soon after my host summoned me to breakfast,—an egg, bacon, tea, toast, the three latter commodities in small quantities, but as much as I needed. After breakfast I read θελημα and continued these notes.
Physically and mentally I feel quite fit, though I have not yet defecated, probably because I had no exercise yesterday, not even going out, save in the evening, to cut gorse.
Were it not for the cold I should, I think, be quite happy physically.
I shall try to borrow from my host a copy of the “Goetia”; I want to use the introductory Invocation “ Thee I invoke, etc.” I knew this once by heart; now alas! I have forgotten it. I am a slimy worm of the worst type. This shall not happen again. There is a high wind among the trees this morning; this somehow gives me joy, I do not know why.
I understand I am to have a fire in the Chamber. Good!
It is now, I think, about 10.45 a.m. I shall return to the Chamber and work. May I have better luck, and something to record when next I make an entry in this book! Aum!
By the way, I attempted to make a gorse-fire in my room this morning. The experiment was not too successful.
I have returned to say that I was wrong about the time. It is not quite 10.30.
Summoned to lunch about 1.40.
This morning I tried mantra, ‘Aum mani padme hum’, in usual manner,[5] with some little success.
On entering the Chamber I used the Banishing Ritual, once—happily beginning at the North instead of the East. This must not occur again. After facing the East, I used the Invocation beginning ‘Thee I invoke, the Bornless One’. No visible or obvious result. Afterwards I paced around the Circle twelve or thirteen times with the Sword, invoking (or praying) in words of quite unknown significance.
Practised yoga with ankh leaning against altar. Not at all successful.
Tried breathing-exercise, ten seconds in and twenty out. Found this too easy, possibly because it was performed wrongly. (?) Then tried breathing in for twenty seconds and out for forty. Succeeded better than I expected. This exercise is quite painful physically.[6] Spiritually it is satisfying. Certainly I shall try it again.
The ‘little success’ with mantra mentioned above was in the form of a faint ecstasy, not nearly so satisfying as the ecstasy obtained yesterday morning. I am rather disheartened, but I’ll see the thing through properly.
Just after twelve I read through the whole of θελημα. It grows easier. Afterwards I re-studied the ‘Bornless One’ invocation.
Lunch consisted of egg-and-spinach and water, which I merely sipped.
There is now a fire in the Chamber: this makes work ever so much easier.
My chief enemy now is sleep. He shall be banished.
I am losing count of dates, so I shall put today’s date here,—it is, I am very nearly certain, the 19th.[7]
My Superior in the Order has just brought me in a mixture consisting of coffee and—I am almost sure—Anhalonium Lewinii.[8] I think he is unwise to do this:[9] it seems a kind of unjustifiable interference. The draught—I have just swallowed it—is about the nastiest and most nauseating I have ever tasted.
I would remark here in parentheses that I have neither washed nor shaved since the hot bath of yesterday morning. I think it better not to do so.[10]
Someone is now sounding chants or—apparently—a gong. This worries and distresses me quite unaccountably. I am now drinking whisky[11] brought me by my Superior in the Order. I loathe whisky . . . . . . .
I have now finished the whisky. I find some little difficulty in writing, and my teeth chatter—it is cold in my bed-room. I shall return immediately to the Chamber. It is now 2.40 a.m.
* * * * * * * *
It is now nearly seven: The combined effect of Anhalonium[12] and whisky[13] was to throw me into a kind of coma. Connected thought became impossible, and memories of childhood and after succeeded one another in a confused though quite amusing manner.[14] Somehow, I got vivid ‘impressions’—I use this word for want of a better one—of Mary Queen of Scots and Napoleon Bonaparte. What they were doing ‘dans cette galère’ God only knows. I don’t.
Just after six I walked around the Circle for about half-an-hour, becoming gradually more coherent in thought.
I then sat in my ‘Japanese’ posture and repeated ‘Aum tat sat Aum’ in the usual manner. Ecstasy soon followed, and I have a vivid recollection of saying “take me; take me!”. I had the sensation of waiting for a beloved one.[15]
Slight form-and-colour visions (quite different from those produced by Anhalonium) succeeded; all the time there was the feeling of ecstasy, but this was not excessive. However, I lost count of time, and I was surprised to find that the period between the beginning of the mantra and my rising from the floor in a semi-unconscious condition was only about ten minutes.
Three things should be noted here: (a) The accommodation of my eyes was temporarily slightly deranged quite soon after my taking the Anhalonium;[16] (b) I experienced a very slight feeling of nausea once or twice during the afternoon; (c) I was able to produce erectio penis quite easily. I note this latter fact because, on the former occasion of my taking Anhalonium, I found it to be impossible to do this.
On the whole, upon reviewing this afternoon’s work, or rather the lack of it, I think I was intoxicated, though only very slightly, during the early part of the afternoon.
At present I feel quite well and sober, and extremely hungry. I shall now return to the Chamber; it must be about seven.
My constipation is over; I defecated (I think) before lunch. My physical condition is now, I imagine normal. . . . . . .
It must be about eight. I had a ripping dinner: cutlet, bacon, kidneys, mashed potatoes, toast, blanc-mange and gooseberries; a sip of water.
Damn good. I feel ever so much better, With luck[17], a good night. I shall now retire to my Chamber. I want some more incense, if possible of a more pungent kind.[18]
This is probably the last entry tonight.[19]
3—In order to sleep upon that gorse. Gorse is prickly, but its bloom is golden. So also is the Kingdom of Heaven.—P. 4—Rise; wash in cold water and fight damned hard on such occasions. Sleep is Tawa-Avidya.—P. 5—I.e., beginning loudly and slowly, and gradually ending in rapid and softer.—O.V. 6—I have since learned that my method was not quite correct.—O.V. 8—Right again.—O.V. [The word “Right” is struck through and the word “Wrong” has been written to the left]. 9—Then why drink? You are on your own entirely.—P. 10—Wrong; cleanliness is next to godliness.—P. 11—Not whisky, O ignorant one!—P. [It was liqueur. Vide Infra. O.V.] 12—[“Anhalonium” is struck through with “the unknown elixir” written above.] 13—Should be Liqueur, of course.—O.V. 16—[“Anhalonium” is struck through with “Elixir” written below.] 18—As a matter of fact, although I was continually supplied with incense, I did not get a new kind until some days later.—O.V. 19—At 9 p.m.! Unsavoury Slug of Sloth!—P.
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