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Victor B. Neuburg Diary Entry Sunday, 20 June 1909
It is now 10.4 a.m.
I went to the Chamber last night after dinner and meditated: then I resolved to sleep for an hour. My Guru entered suddenly and reproached me bitterly with lack of concentration. He also brought me news concerning a certain manuscript, with regard to which I have been inexcusably careless.
After his departure I felt utterly sad, for alas! his reproaches were just. I was utterly discouraged and disheartened, thereby showing myself to be a Fool of the Worst Type. Yet had I some wisdom to be so grieved withal. In my extreme sorrow I fell asleep. My guru again entered, giving me certain instructions and information. He humiliated me, exposing fully my colossal ignorance. On his previous visit he had scourged me with a rod[1] upon my naked back and buttocks.[2]
Upon my Guru’s second visit my fire had become extinguished and he ordered[3] me to fetch wood from the stables to re-kindle it. I went, clad only in my Magick Robe: the journey was a cold one, for the night was rainy. Also the wood was damp, and for this reason was it impossible to kindle the flames. Before departing for the wood I sat and talked with the Guru in his own Chamber, smoking.
At about three a.m., having failed to light a fire, and it being too cold to do yoga, I bethought myself of sleep, but my Guru seemed unwilling that I should slumber.[4] So until ten minutes before six did I wander about the house, once being seated for some time in an arm-chair in my Guru’s room.—my Guru having retired to sleep,—and afterwards reading[5] to keep myself awake. Eventually I retired—cold and wretched—for that I had been a fool,—at the aforementioned hour of 5.50. At nine was I awakened by my Guru’s slave: at thirty minutes after nine I arose, washing my face and hands,[6] and went immediately to the Chamber to kindle charcoal. Scarce had I done this than my Guru summoned me to food. (bread, bacon, egg, tea). I should note here that during the hours I slept, I suffered an emissio seminis. This is now quite a rare event with me, and I attribute this somatic dream to the worry and anxiety that have lately been preying upon me. It is now just before 10.30. I shall retire to the Chamber.
It is now 10.40. I shall retire to the Chamber. My Guru has been reading and commenting upon the notes I have just made.
Upon reaching the Chamber I sat by the fire, meditating. I then came downstairs, and made a lengthy toilet.
I had become physically dirty and unkempt, so I took a very hot bath, shaved thoroughly, brushed my teeth and my hair, and defecated. After performing upon myself these duties, I returned and made use of the Preliminary Invocation,[7] (‘Thee I invoke, etc.’) and the Banishing Ritual.
I then burned incense, and, sitting in my Japanese posture,[8] attempted to rise upon the planes. I failed, falling back twice or thrice. I then used my mantra, ‘Aum mani padme hum,’ ecstasy following, with sensation of violet light.
Rising was then easy. I rose some distance, through eight or nine planes, perhaps. I met an angel and slew him. With me I had the Magick Sword and the ankh; I was surrounded by flaming pentagrams; that on the North or East was imperfect: I repaired it on the journey. I lost consciousness,[9] returning in about half-an-hour.
Lunch consisted of steak, potatoes, onions, bread; water. Physically I feel well, but I am frightfully tired. It is now about 1.50 p.m. I shall return to the Chamber. Possibly I shall sleep for an hour: I shall do this only when it is impossible to keep awake. My body is a damned nuisance. Any decent yogi must work outside it. I would like to get out and stay there.
By the way, it was not whisky I had yesterday; it was liqueur. My dislike of both make me so ignorant of them that I fail to distinguish between these liquids through sheer lack of experience.
Mentally, I feel less worried.
The time 1.50 on the previous page is wrong: it should be 2.5. At 4.20 I used the Banishing Ritual, afterwards reading θελημα. It is now 5.15.
7.15. Worse than ever. I do not know what has happened to me. Quite done in. I am dry, dead, dusty, despairing, and deplorable generally. I suppose I shall have to deliver myself from the body of this death. Perhaps I need exercise. For the last two hours my thoughts have been of the gloomiest in every way. Physically I feel fairly well, but my mind is very sick. However,—
7.45. I have just finished dinner. Egg-and-spinach and toast. Water. Coffee. I am still hungry. I shall return to the Chamber.
8.45. I have just returned from rising on the planes.
I began the proceedings by performing the Banishing Ritual, holding the Sword and the ankh; then I burned incense. Having done these things, I recited ‘Aum tat sat Aum’ in the usual way. Then I rose quite easily through very many spheres, courts, places and shores. I asked everyone for information respecting myself. All were ready to give it upon my showing my credentials, but all concealed daggers behind their backs to slay me. Perceiving this, I slew everyone I met without mercy, notwithstanding my increasing weariness in flight.
At last I met a certain Angel who said he was Gabriel; he said I was Paphro-Asar-Un-Nefer, and in the Third Round. After, I perceived that he too had a dagger behind him, so I reluctantly struck at him; him I did not kill. I escaped from him, however, and saw him looking sadly after me. He was the kindest-looking of any being I met. Shortly after I had to return, which I did fairly easily: I think my wings are very tired.
I had many strange adventures, visiting certain Courts, which melted away before my Pentagram, leaving only a heap of ashes; diving into dark pools, scaling rocks, and even falling back upon stars when I was quite weary.
The information about Paphro-Asar-Un-Nefer I was bidden to tell my Master. This I do.[10]
It is now 8.58. I shall return to the Chamber.
1—Bundle of nettles.—P. [Sorry; my mistake.—O.V.] 2—I had thought of escape by not sleeping on the gorse. My Guru meant to show that Karma is not meant to be evaded. 3—Not ordered: suggested. O.V. asked me where to get wood, and I told him. That’s all.—P. 4—What about the Preliminary Invocation once every three hours, and the Rising on the Planes and the attempt to discover the H. G. A. [Holy Guardian Angel.—O.V.] and the nature of -------- --. -------- [words omitted] Esp: the Honours man!—P. 5—I read “Curious Bypaths of History”, first therein among other interesting things an account of the reason of the virginity of madame Récamier and Queen Elizabeth.—O.V. [Thou wallowest ever in Vileness. P.] 6—I probably also brushed my teeth, though the record is silent on this point. I love accuracy.—O.V. 8—[I should far more accurately describe the posture as a kneeling rather than as a sitting one.—O.V.] 10—I think he was right about you being a Third-Rounder, O Lemurian -------- ! [The word omitted here is only the Chela’s name!—O.V.] But as for Paphro-Asar-Un-Nefer,—yes, I don’t think.—P.
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