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Victor B. Neuburg Diary Entry Wednesday, 23 June 1909
1.5 a.m.
I have been lying by the fire, sleeping, and then meditating upon events in my early life.
I cannot understand why I do not emulate Luther and see the Devil. I am awfully tired and fearfully hungry. And the mortifying of the flesh seems to lead nowhither.
My worthy Guru advises me to stay up all night. I shall go downstairs and steal a biscuit or two.
I have been to my Guru; he is very rude, but very instructive.
My fire is out, alas!
I shall go to bed. It is 1.53.
O God! Better luck tomorrow. Aum!
9.50 a.m. Back in the Chamber.
I arose at 9.25, washed, brushed teeth.
I awoke several times before. Slept fairly well. I have as yet had no brekker. It is quite cold today. Physically I am—naturally—still weak. I shall sit by the fire and think.
This, by the way, is the sixth day of my Retirement. I shall read through my Record to date.
10.31. Read through the Record: it seems all rot.[1]
I am now brekkering, brekker consisting of a cigarette.
I do all my writing now in the Chamber. I have been doing this for two or three days, my Guru having had a table and chair placed in the Chamber. I shall return to the fire and meditate a little.
11.32. I have been meditating, and recalling events of my early life: there is a grey cloud over everything; all things are murky and sad. I seem somehow to have been born under a curse: it is as though I had fallen from a high estate upon a crowd of Philistines and fools, who knew nothing and cared less.
My real life has been entirely my own: it is at once my supreme blessing and my supreme curse that no-one understood me. It is this that has made me a poet and a pessimist.
I am now gradually coming to a realisation of things: the awakening will probably be pretty bad. If it seems too fearsome, I shall try to sleep on.
I am being forced back upon myself: there is no avoiding the meeting now. I wish to God I knew my proper rank: then I might have had cards printed. I hate talking to strangers; I am shy.
It is probably my low physical condition that makes me talk all this rot. I wait and wait for a revelation, and it never comes. I am like a woman expecting to bring forth children, and being baulked every time. That is why my life is so damned bare; I am barren, bringing forth nothing. I could bring forth abortions, but have hitherto refrained.[2]
I will either burst or give birth to a galaxy of stars.
It is now 11.45. I will experiment again, using the Rituals as usual.
12.10. I have just returned.
I reached the temple where I was told before, ‘ Thine is the destiny of the Magi.’ This time the message was, ‘ Thou shalt pass the Gate of the East.’
Afterwards I slew the Black and Red Giants, passing then into a haze of golden light, wherein was nothing.
I had a feeling of being surrounded by light all the time: it was a kind of aura. I returned pretty easily with scarcely any struggling.
I flew without much zest today. Physically I am weak, my voice, I think being especially so. I discovered this during the mantra, ‘Aum mani padme hum,’ that I used before the ascent.
On the whole, no go.
I shall wait awhile.
1.14 – 1.30. Pranayama. Jolly hard:[3] I think I’m improving.
I feel much better; before the Pranayama my thoughts were almost gloomier than ever: now it is slightly otherwise.
1.42, lunch. Rice-pudding and stewed figs.
1.50, back in the Chamber.
I shall now smoke a cigarette.
2 – 3.40. Uneasy troubled sleep on floor; this sleep almost involuntary on my part.[4] I’m becoming disheartened, but, by God! I’ll stick it!
3.55. I shall prepare things and experiment again, using of course the Invocations as usual.
4.25. Just returned from Rising.
At first the atmosphere was light-blue specked with gold, subordinate, or only as ‘stripes’, being gold and deep red: thence I passed through the four elements by making the necessary signs; I then passed through a narrow region of green and yellow. This passed, the atmosphere was pure gold all the way. I met in the gold a huge angel, who gave me a great sword and ankh in exchange for my own, which floated downwards. He wished to impose a Vow of Silence upon me, but I refused to take it. With the Sword I made a four-pointed star, wherewith I became identified. Thenceforward more gold. I returned easily.
It is now 4.30; my Guru is here.
4.33. I shall try to get a hot sulphur-tub.
5.54. I have made a lengthy and elaborate toilet: hot sulphur-bath; shave; teethbrush.
I feel quite comfortable, but a little weak: I shall prepare things for another experiment.
6.22. I burned incense, performed rituals, said mantra, ‘Aum mani padme hum,’ and ascended.
I passed first through grey light, then green, then yellow, then through a mixture of gold, red and blue.
I met a great angel, with a jewelled Sword, which he gave me.
With the Sword I rent asunder a veil shaped like a Pudendum; I entered, and embraced a beautiful woman, who gave me a jewelled ring that sparkled intensely, with varying hues. She sought to detain me after I had loved her, but I left her.
The sky was a bright green, very beautiful.
I rose till I reached a throne, whereover were the letters I. N. R. I. There was nothing above that I could pierce through.[5] I returned easily.
I am now smoking.[6]
I shall do Pranayama as soon as I have finished my cigarette.
I feel quite well; my voice is, I think, quite restored. It is base of me, but I hope to get some dinner this evening. For this impiety I ask pardon of God and my Guru. I humble myself, but the flesh is gross and insistent. Aum!
6.39 – 6.55. Pranayama, twenty seconds in, and forty out. I am improving at this game, I think.
7.1, dinner. Fish, boiled potatoes, toast, egg-and-spinach. Water.
7.40. Back in the Chamber.
1—May I add that I still maintain this opinion!—O.V. 2—Most of those who have read my published poems will not agree with me here!—O.V. 3—Method still not quite correct at this time.—O.V. 4—Why I absurdly say ‘on my part’ I don’t know. But I let it stand for the sake of completeness.—O.V. 5—This is mere astral vision: there is no concentration at all. You must stick to the One Idea.—P. 6—Many of the entries are extremely trivial, but I think it better to omit none of them.—O.V.
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