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Victor B. Neuburg Diary Entry Thursday, 24 June 1909
1.5 a.m.
I have been thinking and sleeping ever since I returned from dinner.
I shall do nothing whatever tonight. Things may come right by a minus.
I shall go to bed.
There is, I fancy, a discarnate entity pacing round the circle, but of this I am not sure.
Thus begins the Seventh Day. I shall emulate the late God.[1]
2.25 a.m.
My holy Guru—damn him[2]—awoke me just before 2.10, ordering me to return to the Chamber.[3]
My cursèd fire won’t light.
Hell and damnation!
2.29 – 2.51, pranayama.
2.52, Rising on planes, with Banishing Ritual only. No incense, no mantra.[4]
After confusion of colours, I got yellowish light green with symbol,—Serpent devouring its tail. In the centre of this circle was a cross (†); this revolved as a wheel. Nothing else.
I could not progress higher.[5]
3. I shall again attempt a retirement.
(I shall emulate the late God no more.)
I stole two biscuits tonight before my original retirement.
3.25. Fished [?] out again.
It is cold: I am clad in Magick Robe, piggers and dresser.[6]
My Guru is, after all, reasonable.
He need not be damned unless he likes.[7]
I shall attempt a rising without preliminaries.[8]
It is now 3.31.
3.52. Account of first Rising.
Mainly colour.
Light blue curtain, behind which was Christ crucified, surrounded by harping angels.
Eagle with mosaic wings, (brown and light-blue). The head of the eagle changes to other birds’ heads,—hawk’s, etc.
A silver bat-elephant, with human hands.
The recurring picture of a cross (†), with a rose in the centre.
It is now 3.56.
4.6. Account of second Rising.
Great angel imposes Vow of Silence, and gives me book of sigils, ring, sword, knife and crown. Also number 33.
I rise to the sea-shore, and invoke many spirits.
Picture of Pan playing in primeval forest; there is something bright-coloured at his feet, but I cannot see what it is. This vision lasts a long time.
It is now 4.9.
4.18. Account of third Rising.
I am drunk with colour and cannot rise: at length I rise through ten strata of colour, and reach coffin bearing label ‘Resurgam.’ This coffin contains a skeleton, which I throw out: it falls.
I, on the contrary, ascend into heaven. I rise: there is nothing but greyness, greyness, greyness.
At length I reach a pinnacle made red-gold by the rays of the rising sun. I am transfigured.
It is now 4.22.
4.26. I cannot now rise at all. The three accounts above are by no means complete, but I will not add anything more for fear of confusing them.
Failure, failure, failure.
But I’ll stick it, by God.
There is nothing more to do: I may as well go to bed, though I am now thoroughly awake. Tomorrow I’ll work like Hell, by God! I’ll do it, anyhow.
It is 4.30. I shall again retire.
Battled, but [also!] not beaten![9]
It is now 4.48. I have been out. “ The morn is bright and grey.” It is simply gorgeous. Everything asleep except the birds who’re half-awake. The loch is ripping.
I forgive my dear old Guru[10] ten million times. I’d tell him so, only he’s asleep. Otherwise I’d take him for a walk, if he’d come.
I have to confess to stealing biscuits and a little tuck. Aum!
5. I shall go to bed.[11]
9.32. Arose. Wash, brush teeth.
9.39. Brekker. Egg, bacon (rather a lot), toast, tea. Good.
9.50. Back in the Chamber.
9.58 – 10.20, Pranayama. A great strain,—twenty seconds in, and forty out.[12] I wriggled on the floor like a wounded snake quite often, and almost burst. Sweated slightly.
It is now 10.33.
I shall defecate, and then go on a journey.
Bath-room occupied.[13]
I have prepared charcoal.
10.35. Begin operations.
11. Back from journey.
Passed through golden light which was backed (I think) by black. Passed black-and-green serpent. I met a large angel, who said (I think), ‘It is well; thou shalt progress.’ I passed also a cross, (†), which revolved, forming a wheel, whereof the axle was a golden sword.
I came to an insistent four-rayed sun, which became a cross, (†), whereon I was crucified, five nails being used,—one for each hand and foot, one for breast.
Reached cross, (†), with rose in centre. Golden light all the time, except once, (or almost once), when there was an impression of light-green and light-blue. These two colours, by the way, usually occur together now.
Before starting I used Banishing Ritual after Preliminary Invocation,[14] then, of course, burning incense.
I think this is more failure.
It is now 11.5. I shall seek the bath-room again.
11.11. Good!
I shall now read θελημα.
12.11. Have prepared incense. Shall rise.
12.31. Returned.
Mantra, Invocations, incense, as usual.
Passed through violet flame, then violet light, where two great[15] angels asked me to sign a book. This I did. I soared long through scarlet flame, where I passed red and black giants. Then, I think, scarlet flame, and then living golden light, where I met the former angel who had given me messages. He said, ‘Return and record.’ I wanted to progress upwards, but he was insistent. As I knew him, I obeyed. (No good reason, perhaps!) So I returned and recorded.
It is now 12.36. I have no incense left.
I shall do pranayama at 12.38.
12.38 – 1, Pranayama. Twenty seconds in and forty out. By God, it hurts! My hands are sweating.
1.12. My Holy Guru has been in; he grouses somewhat, making me do pranayama before him. He makes me write a letter.[16]
It is 1.13. I shall go down to lunch, at the request of my Guru.
1.34. My guru has groused more; he is the rudest Guru it is possible to conceive: he insults me in every possible way. When my retirement is over, I hope to have a row with him about it. His family, racial and personal insults are much too much to be borne. I’m damned if I’ll stick it any more. My worthy Guru is quite unnecessarily rude and brutal, I know not why. Probably he does not know himself. He is apparently brutal merely to amuse himself and to pass the time away. Anyhow, I won’t stick it any more.
It seems to me that unnecessary and brutal rudeness is the prerogative of a cad of the lowest type. It is the very limit of meanness to grouse at a man because of his race. The ‘argument’ is, I admit, unanswerable by the accused; it is also inexcusable in the accuser. It is ungenerous also to abuse one’s position as a Guru: it is like striking an inferior who will be ruined if he dares to retaliate. Were it not for my Vow, I would stay no longer under my Guru’s roof. I will not have my family and race perpetually insulted. Last application.
1.47. Lunch.
A real lunch.
Meat, potatoes, toast; jam—pudding and custard. Water. Excellent! I give thanks to the gods and my Guru.
I have received a new kind of incense.
2.9. Back in the Chamber.
2.19. Café noir.
I brood till 2.47.
2.47 - 2.52, shavasana.
I shall now burn incense and make another journey.
3. Charcoal burning.
I shall make the journey now.
3.28. Back.
I rose upwards, through the Gates of Fire and the Three Circles of Fire. Here I met a White Goat, who attached a wheel to my feet, which wheel helped me to rise. I loosen the wheel, which then plays about me.
I ascend a ladder, the wheel, which is now winged, still playing about me. At the top of the ladder I am clad in a white conical hat and a white Magus’s robe, whereon are many sigils. Around my brows is a golden circlet.
A devil whispers in my right ear, a unicorn in my left. I invoke the Spirits of the Elements,—very wary of these.
I depart, being helped upwards by a triangle, (s), to the inverted apex of which I am attached. I ascend high, receiving the Freedom of Space. Around me is living gold. I weary and return.
It is now 3.40. I shall try for a Tub.
I forgot to add that I became strongly identified with a Star during this last journey.
Bath-room occupied.
Notes to account of last journey.—
Towards the end I heard some Egyptian god-names.
Just before receiving the Freedom of Space I succeeded in passing through the Fountain of White Light.
4.8. I have been reading θελημα.
I shall seek the bath-room again, that I may defecate.
Bath-room still occupied. My Guru rude; his personalities are becoming monotonous. They are grossly offensive. I should feel sicker than I do were it not for the humour of the situation. My Guru is a cad, all the same.
If I am again insulted I shall depart immediately. I am too annoyed to do any work now.[17]
5.10. Bath-room empty at last!
5.28. Go down to Tub.
Sulphur-bath, teeth- and hair-brush, shave.
Good.
6.27. Back.
I shall read θελημα.
7.11. Dinner.
Fish, potatoes, toast; cold meat, potatoes, toast; water; café au lait.
7.45. Back in Chamber.
My Guru entered and explained matters; he says I have wronged him magically. I have. I humble myself. I have let my personality intrude itself into the Adytum.
My Guru shall scourge me as a penance.[18] O me miserum! Peccavi!
This shall by no means occur again. I have been a sulky swine. My Guru hath been wronged by me; he shall do unto me as he will, and I will not complain.[19]
It is now 9 p.m.
9.10. I have prepared charcoal; I shall go another journey.
9.35. Back.
I mounted a light-blue streak between gold ones. I passed three white unicorns who strove to detain me. A great angel with a cauldron branded me on the breast with hot irons with a great red cross, (†), and placed on my head a four-pointed crown, which made four wounds, from which blood trickled.
Another great angel healed all the wounds with oil. I found a great silver Maltese rose-cross, which the second angel took from me.
I passed through an ocean of red flames. Then the light-blue streak began again; it was apparently endless. I returned easily.
I have now, apparently, the power of shutting-out purely Qliphotic things.
My pen is out of order, which is the reason why I make so many blots.[20]
It is now 9.43. I shall meditate until ten.
I shall not meditate until ten.
9.54. Another journey.
10.8. This time the incense failed.[21] I perceived myself in cage of two hexagrams, one at my head, the other at my feet, each of the four walls being a pentagram.[22]
I fell into pit of slime, wherefrom an angel helped me, bidding me return. I refused, and ascended in gold funnel; at the all was black.
I descended and rose again outside the funnel. The sky was blue when I started; it soon became pitch-black and pathless.[23] I descended abandoning the unequal contest. I rose but a very short distance.
It is now 10.12. I shall rest by the fire a little.
11.35. Holy Guru comes to grouse.[24]
2—I leave this frightful blasphemy and impiety in the Record that the frightful sequel may—possibly—deter other chelas from committing the sin of cursing their Guru.—O.V. 3—In the original there occur here four swear-words, two of them obscene, indicated by their initial letters and asterisks for each succeeding letter.—O.V. 6—Cambridge for ‘dressing-gown.’—O.V. 7—The reader is referred to note 1 on p. 72.—O.V. [NOTE 1—I leave this frightful blasphemy and impiety in the Record that the frightful sequel may—possibly—deter other chelas from committing the sin of cursing their Guru.—O.V. 9—This exclamation refers of course to occult practises, not to attempts (abortive and other) at going to bed.—O.V. 10—This must not be taken as implying disrespect. In ordinary life the Holy Guru is an intimate, though stern and ‘difficult’ friend of the Probationer’s.—O.V. 11—And this time I really did.—O.V. 12—See previous pranayama foot-notes. The remarks therein apply equally here.—O.V. 13—A questionable jest is here omitted.—O.V. 14—I worked wrongly here; the order of the Rituals shall have been the reverse.—O.V. 15—It is to be understood that the epithet ‘great’, as applied to angels, refers, throughout this record, merely to give size, not their rank.—O.V. 16—During the Retirement, the Chela’s correspondence was attended to by the Holy Guru.—O.V. 17—So this is how we spend our time, writing petty personalities in a Magical Record. Writing -------’s grievances instead of the aspirations of Omnia Vincam. Trusting that the Superiors of Perdurabo (for whose eyes this volume is intended) will avenge these insults. [The Holy Guru is here mistaken.* There was no thought of vengeance in the Chela’s mind.—O.V.] The full extent of the obsession is to be seen best in the fact that we threaten to leave our Guru! As if we were doing him a favour! On the contrary, that holy man is very sick of our stupidity and idleness, to say nothing of these physical and other peculiarities on which he has animadverted with such appreciated accuracy. Please consider the insults written out in full, underlined, raised to the IIIth power, and ceremonially repeated. More that the obsession—for the Holy Guru said all these things as much as a year ago—may be connected with the substitution of Abramelin incense for Lign. Aloes.—P. * The H.G. only wanted to wound him more by attributing base motives to him. The H.G. is never mistaken. P. 18—My Holy Guru did not avail himself of this privilege.—O.V. 19—Go on working; nothing else counts.—P. 20—Referring, of course, to the original record: my fountain-pen is of uncertain temper.—O.V. 21—Invocation, in all probability, as usual.—O.V. 22—Probably a reminiscence of things heard from my Holy Guru.—O.V. 24—This last entry is, in the original, in the autograph of my Holy Guru.—O.V.
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