A.M.

In first sleep of last night there was a slipping of me from Me—or was it Me from me?

6:00 - 15

Tried to locate difficulty of present condition.

N[o] G[ood]

5:15 - 35

ASANA.

A sitting still.

6:40 - 7:00

DHARANA, yellow sq.

Perhaps I saw sq for period of 1 min—perhaps 3.

This A.M. I am filled with resentment. What shall be the next mood? Last evening on the court in the moonlight I was quiet enough but no mind was there, though fragments of conversation flitted quietly through. This morning all thought brings emotional reaction.

All this may be ‘dryness’ but certainly unlike anything ever experienced before, when I felt like a deserted house with flapping doors & windows. But this is not emptiness; it is a something cut off in the centre of my head, an inability to direct thought.

There is no doubt at all in my mind that Shummie [Ninette Shumway] is part of the plan; therefore why all this harpooning. Poor devil!

I reckon a big fault of mine has been, & still is, expecting too much.

Why ‘fear’ in these invocations, though I assume instilling fear is not meant. I can understand hate: let them hate, but fear—?

Started Harpocrates but could not continue with nothing to give. So feeling the need of some action went under instead.

10:00

A cable from 666. Did I detect a note of loneliness in myself? Is the wobbly pupil looking for strength from the Master? Fee Wah, when I called for him under somewhat similar circumstances, came with the simple statement: ‘You must go to God, not to me.’ (When mentioning Fee Wah I always gurgle; I detect a note of justification. As if he needed that! I seem, too, to feel him smile.)

‘That I will rely only on myself.’

Just what does that mean? Here is where I am at a loss regarding the use of artificial stimulants for the accomplishment of a definite work.

P.M.

After dinner Shummie and I sat on the court till nine o’clock. A brilliant moon—very illuminating! Then we came in and read Return of Agamemnon!

10:30 - 50

ASANA.

10:50 - 11:10

DHARANA, yellow sq.

Something, but little. However, no reaction. I feel calm.

HARPOCRATES.

Invocation. Thank God I can go through it to-night.