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Last evening at the Abbey I
place before me a certain Talisman at the request of
A.C. I get nothing. I try again to-day, here in my
room. Get, first, the full face regarding me, then a
body and then something that suggested a tail. Great
vitality in the God. Afterwards I get a smile,
vital, strong. He asked but I know not what, but I
know he has agreed to come again. I feel a love for
him. I ask if I shall take the Talisman to the Abbey
to-night: he indicates he will come to me here.
1:00 The last shall be the
first. So I start a sexual record from the end.
I do not know just when ‘John
Myers’ entered my circle.
Summer 1908 or 1909—I believe
the latter—I went to a doctor in New York regarding
‘wet dreams’. At this time and for a considerable
period preceding, I had these dreams regularly;
i.e., once a month, anywhere from five to eight days
after menstrual period when desire was strongest.
They worried me, having heard of sanitariums as the
result. He said there was nothing to do but wed.
But, while I knew not when he
entered, it was between 1912 and 1915, for it
occurred while living in Glendale, California, that,
coming one morning from deep sleep into one of these
dreams, I felt a penis withdrawn—or so it seemed,
though I understood it not.
With the advent of the ouija
board and later automatic writing, I discovered who
and what ‘John Myers’ was, and opened battle. I was
about one year eliminating him physically, i.e.,
after possibly three or four months, rather the
latter, I was in control but there was sensation—in
diminishing degree until all sensation was
eradicated Then followed a shorter period of attack
on some inner plane, which I do not understand, but
which I controlled from the start.
I fancy a year has elapsed
since sexual attack of this character from ‘John
Myers’.
All this was brought about, I
doubt not, by the fact that in my early twenties a
man in New York taught me to masturbate. (I have
often wondered why this was rather than the usual
thing?) This continued for six years, during which
time I fought with my desire to go on the
stage—having been brought up to regard it a vile
institution. However, I finally went to the stage,
for several reasons, one of them being emancipation,
for I looked to it for sexual freedom.
An Irishman in the fifties took
me under his wing. I should feel grateful—God rest
his soul! Long since dead.
Some time later came Larry,
American of Irish descent. He appealed to me
sexually on sight. I really grabbed him. But in a
few short weeks he died of pneumonia.
Seven or eight months later a
good Irish Catholic from Massachusetts interested me
sufficiently to rouse me sexually. I think this was
November. We fought almost from the start because—I
could not tell a lie! I could not, and therefore
would not say: I love you.
The big fight came following
March. That was 1910, I remember I was in Florida at
the time. I developed gravel and was in great agony.
He was quite disgusted” ‘I thought you were
different from other women, here you are like all
the rest, full of aches and pains’. After this
illness was upon me he stayed with me once, I wanted
to see whether he thought only of himself. It
snapped the thread, of course, for unfortunately I
could not sympathize with his becoming inflamed so
soon as he saw me, as he always did.
This was an actor, we were in
the same company, occupying the same hotel. After
six or eight weeks of preparation, back in New York
my sympathies were enlisted and I consented to see
him once a week. My leaving for California December
1910 brought this to an end, and left me with a
supreme disgust, which lasted months and
months—more, possibly a couple of years. After a
time, desire returned, but I went my way.
Summer, 1916, a moving picture
director, just lately arrived on the Lacky ‘lot’
piqued me. After a very entertaining skirmish I
discovered him a University graduate. I was still in
the Grades and loathe to leave them. So—exit
graduate.
October, 1917 I intended again
to take unto my myself a lover, one with a green
flag over the ‘scutchson. Here one ‘Bab’ (so called
by me for various reasons), one whom I did not see
but who came first to me on the ouija board and
later by automatic writing, entered, explained
somewhat of my past, and told me a lover ‘would
interfere with the Plan’, etc. I desisted; in fact,
took an oath of celibacy for this life. May 1918,
when undergoing an ordeal, along these lines I was
told: You wallowed in the mire and dragged down one
of great attainment’. And continued to this effect:
You must travel alone and prove your strength.
But, ‘You will spend three
years in Japan. Here your two children will be
born’. (A boy and girl said to have been abandoned
by me in a previous incarnation, so that they
starved.)
There were certain other
explanations and the oath of celibacy was absolved.
Therefore, when the proper time
shall have arrived, let the Irish beware!
However, these ‘two children’
are puzzling. On the face of things and taken in
connection with other statements at various times, I
assumed them to be physical. Nevertheless, I now see
a certain ambiguity, and I am reminded of the
erroneous interpretation I put upon the statement:
‘You are to go to strange places in the emotional
world, deal with strange types and strange people.’ |