A.M.

11:50

^[1]

Supposing yesterday was “confirmation day”, I have made a wonderful start! Here I sit, possibly moody, possibly peevish; opaque; dull, reflecting nothing. And perhaps not trying to rouse myself! I accused Bickie of taking a voluptuous enjoyment in moods—a sexual debauch. Heavens! ???

I feel as though turned loose to pasture, to see what I would do. I challenged all the gods. Now it is up, maybe, to Jane Wolfe.

I laugh, for I see the humour of the situation.

^[2]

Shall one do violence to one’s self, thinking thereby to please or entertain another?

^[3]

Seeking justification for acts—a mental or moral screw loose?

12:45

^[4]

I feel I could freely relinquish all.

Thus let me live, unseen, unknown,

Thus, unlamented, let me die;

Steal from the world, and not a stone

To tell where I lie.

Is this laziness?

For people’s achievement I care not, though all the world be at their feet. But what they suffer—then can I achingly yearn!

1:22

The impression of going a different way from that planned. One not quite so clear—more inscrutable—more difficult.

1:40

I enter the silence; I cross a threshold, a large arched gateway. Before me lies limitless smoky mist—I see nothing, but directly at my feet begins the descent.

Clear eye, open mind, no thought of self to cause fear, confusion, or faltering.

Shaddai puts me in the temple, there is a peal of bells, the most ornate Chancel I have ever seen—indescribable in its richness, forms and color of ornamentation. A.C. stands at distant altar clad in white, the red robe beneath shimmering through. He faces me with plate on which is broken bread. I do not get close to the altar, nor do I eat. Confusion here.

Find myself adopting watch words—Open mind. No thought of self.