A.M.

Awake long before daylight—no more sleep.

20’ Asana.

Strength gone when finished.

Yesterday noticed force pass up spine, flow into head and strengthen. This a.m. also.

(Then why tire? Jan 2)

Another scrap at Fives. This the kind of scrap that I enjoy—it fires me and makes me play better.

P.M.

2:00

Capsule of grass.

3:00

^[2]

Is this loveless thing my true self? If so, why was I chosen for a work that requires all love? Is the mind loveless? Yes.^[1] What is the sub-conscious.

Love left me when I drew out of the station at California. Montana was hell. New York was a comparison with the ten years before. My first trip across the ocean was, just the trip across. Some things amused, many bored. The friends in Paris were fresh water when I was thirsty. I dashed through to Algiers and on to Bou-Saada. There I knew happiness, rolled up in a nice comfortable rug, as it were. On going to Bou-Saada I squabbled about Arabs sitting beside me in the coupe. Leaving there I wanted them by me. I loved them.

But, again I left love behind me.

Have I known it since?

What part of me is it so rude and crude—indeed insolent at times?

4:00

Two flashed of Love came through, invigorating mind and body, causing me to be sympathetic to all?

What is this that tells me I have loved.

Was Wilkie Collins in love with Marian, but afraid of her. Not the kind of woman most men love—rather is that type the friend of women.

Became a part of L.V.’s mind, understand it better than ever before. Think I will have to get A.C.’s mind from the top, down.

Mind is—should be, a fine, clean instrument. Sensed what seemed spirit trying to look through. The two lobes of brain united ascend and become slender woman in blue, with high head-piece suggesting something Egyptian—cannot get correct design.

Saw a light far, far off. Rose toward it, tried to reach and become it, but could not.

Tried another way of rising—up over a high mountain. Past trees, over shrubbery. Started from a well. Came from vast height back into body and into spine.

It is the Divine must love.

Animal soul to be loved and respected and made a part of Divine.

Expansion of centre back of eyes.

8 – 10

Reading Psychology of Hashish.

Lights out!