A.M.

Smoked half an hour last night. Afterwards a partial consciousness of the fear that all good Egos experience at thought of being smashed to smithereens. To my mind this links up with work of this afternoon.

9:35-53

Asana.

A holding still, controlling of nervous organism?

9:54-10:15

Dharana.

A hanging on to lighted candle by this same organism. (I suppose these entries sound insane, but down they must go as I analyze them. Some day I shall understand.)

I lose some of physical being entirely at times, but thoughts dim and hazy float by at intervals.

Outward disturbed by water boiling over, but found I did not lose inner sight, though much weakened.

Pranayama, 5’.

P.M.

1:30

Typed on own record 11-12, 1-1:30. Resting.

1:30-3:15

E String.

3:30-4:00

Nature is certainly seeking me out—must have snarled myself up somewhere. This nap leaves me ironed out.

4:08-25

Pranayama. 10-20.

8:00-18

Asana.

Good. Broke once, so turned light of lamp so I could see watch.

8:20-35

Dharana.

Bad. Could not get hold. Finally got desperate, grabbed and held whatever I could.

8:40-59

Harpocrates.

A sitting still, mind in chaos at first (due to above grabbing?), then settled into a heavy, slow rhythm, which I could eliminate only at intervals.

9:05-20

Pranayama.

Throat began to trouble, tickle. Surprised I got this far—everything rebelled. Freudian throat? Wish phantasy?

10-11

Opium, smoking slowly, few pipes.

11:40

Want “out” for a moment.

Was standing in Temple room, against wall between kitchen and wine room, near Circle, saying a ritual. I got to “Holy Guardian Angel, whose child I am”, when I went out on a flash of fire that was not fire, though there seemed a moment’s warmth. Instant thought: “I wonder if A.C. would approve?” Then I let myself go. Went upward with a great rushing of wind, rose higher and higher, then returned, easily. After first speed, noted things in space, but my vision weak.

12:50

Why the hurling of self against something, I know not what. With self there was consciousness of water.

1:00

A face—cannot tell whether animal or man, or combination of both; intent eyes regarding me fixedly, questioningly—look of “Will you or will you not?” I look steadily, impersonally. It disappears. An out-post, stationed there to watch and report to an hierarchy, it seemed to me.