A.M.

Whether or not the difficulty solved, I feel better. Smoked till 9:30. We wondered if a drop of heroin might help—took it—no, mind extremely alert, and what came into it of value, if so, passed at moment of birth. It kept me awake till mid-night and I dreamed & dreamed of being chased by some one. I ran down many flights of stairs, finally leaped from floor to floor, into taxis & out again. At last, said to myself: this is tiring, it must stop. It stopped.

Yesterday I began wondering if I were impatient for the Retirement—if there was that in me that wished to jump in & experience something similar to May, 1918—the torture chamber. Lea [Leah Hirsig] says pleasure & pain the same. Is this in me also?

9:40-58

Asana.

10:00-20

Dharana

Do not know whether anything accomplished.

10:20-40

Harpocrates

Ditto. Here toward end had to fight peevishness.

20’ Pranayama, 10-20.

P.M.

Finished typing E String.

3:15-35

BUER. Cannot even visualize Talisman.

10’ concentration.

20’ Pranayama. 10-20

8:10-30

Asana.

8:30-50

Dharana.

Did I accomplish aught? No visualization, just a hanging on to nothing—or did I hang on?

8:51-9:10

Harpocrates

Rigid body, which may be right. Rigid mind.

Did not go as deep within as heretofore. This thing of not knowing whether one is all right or all wrong! I feel like smashing the china.

15’ Pranayama, 10-20

2 capsules salol to-day & shall continue.

Improvement.