A.M.

In re my Abbey [Abbey of Thelema] questions.

Perhaps I was too apprehensive about the future of the Abbey, that time when more students should be here and therefore greater danger of shipwreck if we are a Community. Autocracies live—Communities, sooner or later, blow up violently or disintegrate and fall apart.

The nature of the training necessary for the Aspirant, it seems to me, precludes aught but autocracy. My questions resulted from A.C.’s calling us a “Community”. The peoples of an autocracy—Benevolent Despotism, let us say, give their love—if necessary, their life, their all, to the welfare and maintenance of that Despotism. The peoples of a Community are never satisfied. (Witness America!!!)

I find I rebel at “fixed principles”, fixed standards”. I am well aware they make associations easier, life more simple; for there would not be all this misunderstanding, this useless chatter. Yet, notwithstanding, why should there not be diversity here, also?

Is this, too, “idiocy” on my part?

^[1]

“You do not realize who I am.”

How can I express what is in me? I do not use Babalon explanation in the Second Aethyr, but that which I love, that which I venerate, that which permeates Me and has the power to fill me with ecstacy, has naught to do with output! It has naught to do with caste, naught to do with education, naught to do with anything the world esteems. Were there none of these but instead a toothless, senseless, gibbering imbecile, it would be the same. It is all the Elements combined in one. It is All-Yielding, All-Absorbing. It is Completion. What feeble language! When shall I express Myself!!

Nor can I look out on any other than a level of perfect equality: it is not possible. It is not possible for it would not be worthy.

(And here I note that although, in the past, I have used that term—“perfect equality”—I never before felt it; there was always a barrier.)

Is aught degrading but thinking makes it so? Does not herein lie one reason for the strength of Japan? In California I have seen well trained, well born, well educated Japanese, doing the most menial work—for the time being, at least without loss of manhood, loss of dignity or self-respect. When did they arrive at this Truth?

A dream which should have been entered yesterday.

I was in an unusually large square room in an hotel. A.C. and Lea [Leah Hirsig] were there, seated at a table in one corner, near a window, and to my left, I seated on the foot of the bed, which position placed me toward centre of room. I then found myself enveloped in a black lace mantilla. It fell from over my head. With its wearing I became coquettish, using my arms as a dancer might in handling the lace. Evidently no one in the room paid the slightest attention. I found myself on a picturesque street in a strange city, buildings close and compact, and undoubtedly European. The street on which I walked ascended, another street falling away from it but leading in same direction, my street above being balustrade. I then realized I was to meet a youth of twenty, or thereabouts, he waiting for me somewhere. Arriving at “A”, I seated myself at a small table of an outdoor restaurant. The youth was seated, I knew just below, though like a cat with a mouse I did not see him at all. He became more and more impatient, and then a note was placed in my hand which was sent by him. It was folded square, I was quite conscious of this. I opened my hand to read and found a bill of a 20 denomination. This bill was about the size of a French 100 Franc and of a similar blue & pink.

In this dream my name was Lola.