Afternoon

^[1]

I realize now how doing a thing without “Why?” “Wherefore?” prepares one the sooner for the service of the Gods—the elimination of the personal. This has arisen in connection with flagellation,^[2] recommended by A.C. after hearing my dream of May 8th.

The peculiar thing about this, it seems to me, is that something within desires this experience, and immediately I say “Why!”

To start things going—if it will?

Curiosity—to have first hand experience?

Or is it fundamental?

I have begun to suspect that I take pleasure in inflicting pain by word—No, I do not. I do it, but not for pleasure: no, it is not my Will. (I think I can trace this to my early twenties. I shall see.)

Shall I discover an enjoyment of physical pain?

8:45

Have read “Flagellation in France.”

9:00

^[3]

To widen my experience?

This wanting the experience is extremely subtle. One can be rootless for days then suddenly realize, say, a necessary ingredient is missing from one’s diet. But this is not of the physical. It seems too subtle to be of the astral. Is it the soul? Has the mind aught to do with it?