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Sex force flowing in the
afternoon. I therefore planned work in the evening.
Composed myself at eight o'clock with 2 doses of
heroin, as my mind was hopping about. Did not know
which God I wished to invoke, so repeated "Nuit,
Hadit, Ra-Hoor-Khuit" and asked for guidance. This
time I lay quite still, my hands folded across my
chest (my usual attitude, by the way, when
concentrating after retiring). The mind took up
accustomed routes;—all wrong: it seemed there was
going to be something different. Several times there
was a starting and each time objective consciousness
lapses in. After a time my whole being radiated
[illegible] toward one who seemed to be in my
room, though there was no hint as to who or what was
there.
Should enter here that I
did not want to work at all and had to overcome
considerable opposition.
An opportunity missed? Or,
was it because I felt on a brink and I could not
plunge over?
Think I may have spoiled
the whole plan by smoking a cigarette, which I did
to wake myself thoroughly—there was a drowsy feeling
after a time. No work after smoking. |