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Jane Wolfe Diary Entry circa 1923
Now, in May 1918, during the Great Experience, among other things I was shown Will and Desire (those were the terms used). I was shown how, alone, Will was impotent. Desire helpless. They were then shown me united, co-equal, running neck and neck, nose and nose, and how, so harnessed together they became powerful and formidable. This always puzzled me; I came back to it again and again in Cefalu, but without an answer.
At another interval during this experience, I was told to 'wait for God'. With this also I was put through a drill. Over and over again I was told, "No, you are watching." Later I heard, "Now you are waiting, but also watching!" At last I got to the point where I passed the examination, and heard "Ah, now you are waiting!"
By means of this Winter Work I harnessed Will and Desire—my above positive-negative currents! This must be what was meant in this respect, at least. And this is only burst upon me suddenly in January. Stupid of me not to have seen the connection sooner. And I accomplished it through "waiting". My job for months and months and months on end, has been just equilibrating, starting with the Cefalu Great Magical Retirement.
I take it that my formula for any sexual expression must always be the two-in-one, this masculine-feminine, positive-negative, Will-Desire combination—the perfect equilibrium of the two.
Desire is the sweeter sensation, but it lacks the lust of Will, but of the two I am inclined to put lust first. I never knew before what a magnificent quality Lust is! Women (Weinenger's definition) know it not; their Desire may tear them to shreds—they may rip and slay, tear down and destroy; but Lust it is that climbs the pinnacles—or so it seems to me. (I must meditate these two, Desire and Will.)
Please note that this Work was not the result of masturbation—by Jan Wolfe, at least. J.W. was quiescent; her job equilibration and concentration, the kind of concentration that keeps the nerves relaxed and flexible. Estai [Jane Wolfe] got on the job, and handled the Force, which was then flowing through me automatically.
To go back to Pain. At first I thought it was used to hew through the forest quickly; that whereas I was once a lump of reactions, I am now an instrument with wires more or less well or imperfectly strung, and that it is my business to learn to strike any one of these wires, and only such as I will, at any given moment, and that the particular wire or wires so struck must vibrate on such plane as may be designated.
And this recalls to me the Fall of 1921, when I had my first bout with Adonai. I was certain that I had to renounce orgasm, once and for all. I now understand why. One has to renounce orgasm so that the explosion may occur in London, Pekin, Macon, or Timbuctoo; and there can be no tails to this kite; no fine invisible threads of 'sympathetic' vibration elsewhere. It has to be a clean job.
Jane wrestled with pain in the legs until she got to a state of indifference and then to a balance between pain and pleasure.
Some of the breaking through—i.e., the forming of a continuous line from head to toe—had first to be accomplished when the body was asleep. After more or less repetition, depending on the greater or less flexibility of the mind, I was then able to link up when fully awake.
At the end of this all, One came to me—One to whom my whole being flowed out in a Pure, Clean Love, spontaneously, rapturously. The thought came: "I am to be initiated from 'the other side' ". Followed again by, "Is this a temptation?" I pondered this and decided it was the latter, because my attainment is "Understanding in the world" (not of it); and a big difficulty—perhaps my big difficulty, has always been to throw myself wholeheartedly into this material world. I am quite conscious at all time of what seems to be a bigger life elsewhere, and which I would so much rather partake of. Some day I hope to acquire sufficient humour to be able to play the game here with 'wim and wigour'.
Understanding in the world.
Attained through Human Love.
516.
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