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Jane Wolfe Diary Entry Thursday, 19 November 1942
I had a bad night, reviewing my past failures; and by 1:15 a.m. realized the sceptre was put in my hands and I had refused to wield it. I failed myself: I failed Wilfred [Wilfred Talbot Smith]: I failed Baphomet: I failed the Work in general. I saw nothing for it but that I was through for this incarnation.
That I had not assumed responsibility in the past; mine had been a negative attitude for the most part, because deep within me is a horrible timidity—or shyness?—whereas the attitude should be, Experienced Sattvic, the scale unconsciously tipping to positive or negative as the occasion required.
By and through various mystic experiences in the past, I have been led to believe that I had a certain definite Work to accomplish. That is, I know the job, but not the way in which it will work out, or how it and I will develop. (As witness this failure.) But, again, it seems altogether too preposterous for a woman of 67. However, if it be an obsession, I want my mind cleared of it!
Cleaning and scouring my room all morning.
11 o'c. a.m. circa.
But! but!—what is this? Oddly enough I feel I have now cleared my decks for action!
Later. I even feel that all activities are free, now to go ahead! !
But I must invoke Neptune.
Mid-afternoon I read a very meagre skeleton of these notes to Jack [Jack Parsons]. He was quite concerned lest Wilfred had lost an opportunity. But I felt, almost from the beginning, that the letter was primarily intended to call me forth and to prove myself.
And it was with considerable diffidence, I made my Declaration: That mine was the role of Scarlet Woman. And asked him not to divulge it as yet.
I then read him part of a letter written to me at Cefaiu by 666 from London, 1922.
I now realize I must include this Declaration in my report to Karl [Karl Germer]. And that will be quite, quite difficult. However, I must do it; let the arrows fall where they will.
Also a 24 hours Retirement, albeit after the fact, to clear up odds and ends and organize my program for Invocation of Neptune.
Sanity? Or Absurd Madness?"
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