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The Apple
From a Collection of Crowley's Plays and Scenarios
Introducing Sheriff Hicks: A large farm house in the neighbourhood of Ninevah, Vermont. In front of the house is a well paved broad road much frequented by motorists.
Sheriff Hicks, the owner, is a tall, strong man of 50, with iron grey hair, face stern and jaw strong, but his eyes are dreamy. His manner is pompous, but this is merely an assumption, as a child playing soldiers wears a paper hat and wooden sword. He is, in reality, simple-minded and idealistic. His life has had few incidents and his idea of the world is taken from novels and magazines of the romantic type.
He is sitting outside his house with the local minister, Brother Dixon, a large, awkward, needy, shambling, ill-shaved, elderly incompetent.
Hicks' daughter Pomona, a strong, firm, frank, clean, pretty country girl of 20, brings them cider.
A motor car passes. It is one of the most expensive type and contains an extremely elegant young lady from New York, named Rose Vedda. Rose is of the ultra-fashionable smart set type; a kind of amateur Eva Tanguay, observes the moral code, is full of whims and caprices which are condoned by society and the good-natured toleration then accorded a harmless butterfly that entertains.
She is in half-mourning, being a widow. With her is her Aunt Mary, her chaperone, a very fat lady of some 45 years of age, who conceals her lazy amiability under a Gorgon mask of severe propriety. These people are only shown as going out into the country.
Sheriff Hicks seems to be bored with Dixon. He fingers the pages of magazines on the table at his side. Dixon lingers, but, out of cunning, hints that he must go, and Hicks meets him more than half way, grasping his hand and clapping his shoulder, and taking him bodily down to the front gate. The ranger, Joe Bins, with his gun on his shoulder, passes with a poacher in custody. Hicks and the ranger exchange cordial salutations. Hicks then hurries back and loses himself in a Detective Magazine.
He drops the magazine with a heavy sigh, leans back and closes his eyes.
He has a vision of himself in consultation with the headquarters staff of the New York police. There is a murderous millionaire, a bank robber and a gang of coiners. The police put the whole matter in his hands and he goes out instantly to a ‘go-down’ on a deserted wharf, rounds up the entire crew, red-handed — and takes them back to headquarters on two guns. Some are electrocuted and some sent to Sing Sing, and he, Sheriff Hicks, is personally thanked by the President on the steps of the White House before a crowd of enthusiastic citizens.
He is awakened from his reverie by his daughter Pomona, who points out that a goat has escaped into the corn. His chase of the goat contrasts comically with his wish fantasy.
Introducing Rose Vedda: A fashionable apartment in New York. Its owner, Rose Vedda, a widow in half-mourning. She and her Aunt Mary are pouring tea for a number of society men, some of whom are anxious to capture the beautiful heiress. They are all of the effeminate type and she is disgusted with them. Her eyes stray constantly to the portrait of her dead husband. He is shown in his uniform as a Rough Rider. He is immensely strong and his face is rather coarse and brutal. He is attacking, sabre in hand, half a dozen infantry men— Mexicans.
She gets rid of her callers rather abruptly and drags her aunt to a Wild West Film, where she applauds loudly the athletic stunts. That evening she insists on motoring to Coney Island after dinner and spends her time in Shooting Galleries, to the despair of Aunt Mary.
She is very fond of motoring into the country, where she goes to farm houses and insists on lunching, and also spending the afternoon milking cows and feeding pigs and chickens. She wants her Aunt to let her buy a ranch in Arizona and live there. The aunt refuses indignantly. Rose is quite young and quite under the thumb of her aunt, who is extremely formidable when roused. The aunt yields in trifles in order to reserve her strength to resist any seriously unconventional whims of he niece.
Rose is famous in New York for a magnificent pearl necklace. One night her apartment is entered by burglars. They make sufficient noise to arouse her and she takes her revolver and opens fire on them, killing one. The other, however, escapes and when the police arrive it is found that he has got away with her necklace.
The burglar returns to his house and narrates his adventure to his wife, who advises him to get into the country at once; and, disguising himself as an agriculture labourer, sends him off. He is seen taking the Subway to Van Cortland Park and tramping through the night. Before leaving, he wished to conceal the necklace. His wife points out that the police are sure to search the place. An idea strikes him, and he cuts open an apple, scoops it out, conceals the necklace in it, pours in a solution of glue, rejoins the two halves of the apple, and puts it in his pocket.
Introducing Lindley Miller: Lindley is a man of 30 and is shown as a professor in a lecture room, saying good-bye to his class on the eve of the summer vacation. He is very popular.
He goes back to his rooms, removes his academical costume, puts on knickerbocker tweeds, fills a knapsack, and then starts off on a walking tour. As chance would have it, he is in the same Subway car as the burglar. They walk up the road together but Lindley loses him through stopping at a wayside inn for breakfast.
The Professor is next seen passing Sheriff Hicks' farm and being annoyed by the dust of Rose's car.
Introducing Jake Higgins: Pomona is seen with a basket on her arm, shopping in the village of Ninevah. Lounging at a street corner is Jake Higgins, a country bumpkin of 25 years. He is very awkward and stupid, wearing an imbecile grin, not knowing what to do with his hands and using his feet like steam rollers out of control.
He accosts Pomona and insists on shopping with her. She tolerates his as one would a clumsy and affectionate dog. He goes with her out of the village and gets down on his knees in the middle of the road to propose to her, a scene whose romance is marred by the advent of Rose's car. He finishes his appeal from the ditch. Pomona cannot bear to be unkind to him, for she respects his ingenuousness. At times he interprets this indulgence as surrender and assumes masterful airs, which she is obliged to repress. He goes with her to the gate of the farm, but, seeing the Sheriff, who naturally frowns on his suit, coming aggressively forward, takes to his heels.
Introducing Tom Green: Tom Green is a boy of 12 years. His home is a disreputable shack, where he is ill treated by his drunken father and mother. He has decided to run away and reaches the outskirts of Ninevah. He is very hungry and climbs a fence in an orchard, shins up an apple tree and begins to eat an apple. Lindley passes and sees the boy. He stops and they exchange a sort of tramp's greeting. Lindley playfully rebukes the boy for taking the apple and says: “This is a very dangerous fruit. It has three times altered the whole history of humanity.”
Lindley's Lecture:
Part 1. Adam and Eve are shown in the Garden of Eden. They eat the apple and are chased out by an angel, finding themselves in Chicago. (This is Lindley's humorous way of telling the story. The fig leaf can be the front of the Saturday Evening Journal.)
Part 2. The Judgment of Paris. The shepherd Paris is seen adjusting the claims of Juno, Venus and Minerva. He gives the apple to Venus and the other two are angry. They are shown avenging the slight upon their beauty by the destruction of Troy, and Aeneas is shown escaping from Troy and founding the city of Rome. (See Virgil's “Aeneid.”)
Part 3. Sir Isaac Newton is shown in his garden under an apple tree. An apple drops, he is struck by an idea, works it out in his study, and lectures on it to the consternation of the Royal Society.
Lindley has pictured these incidents in a playfully humorous manner, more to amuse himself than the boy, who is merely bewildered; grins, picking another apple, and offers it to Lindley, who says: “I guess there's no danger in these parts.” He accepts the apple. At this moment Sheriff Hicks sneaks up behind Tom, catches his leg and pulls him out of the tree. Lindley has his arm still stretched across the fence and the Sheriff catches it, saying: “I arrest you as an accessory after the fact.”
Lindley laughs it off but the Sheriff is in earnest and, sprawling over the fence, marches them off to jail. He is very proud of himself for realizing his detective ambitions.
Meanwhile a man from the village has come to the farm to see Hicks and Pomona goes to find her father. She meets the party — her father boasts of his capture — she pleads with him to let them go, the crime being such a trifle. Hicks replies: “Why, Pomona, I haven't had a prisoner for months!” Lindley says to her: “Pomona! She is the goddess of apples. Alas, great queen, I have committed not only theft but sacrilege!” He comically pretends great repentance.
Hicks gets angrier than ever and walks them off to jail, which is a mere ramshackle structure of wood.
Pomona, walking home, meets Jake Higgins. He again asks for her favour. She laughs and tells him that she has met her fate. His despair is pitiable. She says: “My boy is in prison now and if you really love me, you'll help to get him out.” He agrees, but indicates behind her back that he will kill his rival as soon as he gets him out of prison.
They go to a drug store and buy a sleeping draught, which they divide into two portions: Pomona giving hers to her father in his cider in the evening, and Jake giving his to the jailor in a drink of home-brewed ale. They make an appointment to meet at the jail, and Pomona climbs on Jake's shoulders to look in at the cell window. She says: “Hush! By mid-night I will free you.” Pomona returns home and finds her father duly asleep. Jake gets a very dilapidated Ford car. Pomona comes back. They find the jailor asleep, take his keys and free the prisoners. They go to the Ford. Pomona says: “By sunrise you must be far from this fatal spot. Let this be a lesson to you not to take apples that do not belong to you.” Lindley says: “Nonsense!” He pinches her cheek and kisses her playfully. Jake gnashes his teeth horribly. Jake, Tom and Lindley drive off, Pomona merrily kissing her hand. They come to a wood some distance from the village. Jake stops the car and gets out. He had hidden two ancient rusty muskets under the seat. He puts these under his arm, tells Tom to mind the car, and beckons Lindley into the woods.
Jake says: “Villain! You have stolen my girl's heart. One of us must die. You take one musket, I take the other. You enter the wood from the north and I from the south, and shoot at sight.” Lindley treats this as a joke at first, but Jake, being in dead earnest, Lindley tries common sense arguments. Jake is implacable, and calls him a coward.
Lindley resolves to teach Jake a lesson. He goes to his station but throws away the musket and instead of entering the woods runs right round it, trails Jake stealthily from behind, then jumps up and covers him with an automatic.
On entering the woods, Jake's nerves have failed him. He is all a-tremble. At Lindley's appearance, he jumps into the air and his musket goes off by itself.
During this scene the burglar has been approaching the wood from the opposite direction and, hearing the car in the distance, has taken cover among the trees.
Lindley laughs and Jake plunges headlong through the wood, having thrown down his musket. Lindley strolls back to the car, lets down the tires and empties the tank. He goes off gaily with Tom, Jake still running across country for dear life. He (Jake) finally stops, exhausted, and finds nobody in sight. He plucks up courage and returns to his car. He cannot make it go. A wagon passes on its way to Ninevah. Jake hails it and the car is dragged back to the village.
Joe Bins, the ranger, is on his patrol. He enters the wood where the duel took place and finds the body of a man shot through the heart. (This is, of course, the burglar). There is no clue to his identity. In his pockets is nothing but some money, a pen-knife, some other odd articles, and the apple. The ranger reports to Hicks. Men are sent to take the body into Ninevah.
Hicks is overjoyed at this big crime and has the woods searched for a clue. They find the discharged musket, which is recognised as belonging to Jake, and the bullet in the dead man's heart is identical with that in the un-discharged musket found on the edge of the wood. Jake is arrested. He tells the truth — no one believes him.
No one in Ninevah knows the names of the strangers and their description is entirely vague. Everyone believes Jake guilty; everyone is delighted with the new thrill.
Tom has told Lindley his story and the sympathetic professor has decided to take him as his servant. They are now far from Ninevah, among the mountains. They reach a country inn and the host gives Lindley a newspaper. He reads the account of the murder at Ninevah, with Jake's story in full. Knowing that he can confirm this, he decides to hurry back. He asks for the nearest railway station. It is far off. Calculations show that a cross country journey is the quickest method. He hires a horse and buggy and drives off at top speed.
On his way to the mountains, he has passed through a village called Auburn and had a pleasant encounter of wit with some lively boys in the village. Galloping through this village on his way back to Ninevah, he is recognised by these boys, who are playing in the street, practising ball by throwing an apple to each other. The biggest boy throws the apple at him; but he misses, and it hits the horse, who shies and bolts.
Meanwhile Rose Vedda is on a motor trip alone. She has got tired of Aunt Mary and bolted, and is approaching Auburn. Aunt Mary has discovered her absence and is pursuing in another car. Rose is scared to turn back. She tries to avoid the runaway buggy, but Lindley's wheel catches in hers and he upsets. Neither he nor Tom are badly hurt; but the horse is lames and the buggy wrecked. Apologies follow and Lindley begs Rose to take him and Tom to Ninevah to save a man's life. She does so.
The Court at Ninevah. The jury are leaving the box when Lindley bursts into court and demands to be called as a witness. He tells his story, but the sheriff says: “Jake was fighting mad and had to kill something. He probably shot the man after you left.” The jury declare Jake guilty and some of the men fix a rope to a tree.
Lindley, convinced of Jake's innocence, is in despair. His eye is caught by the apple taken from the dead man's pocket, which is among the exhibits. He says to himself: “Apples are always getting me into trouble. I'll see what this one is like.” He picks it up and, turning it about, says: “This is a funny apple.” He discovers the join in it — takes his penknife and splits it. The pearl necklace falls out.
Rose runs forward and claims it as hers, amid great excitement. She then looks at the dead man's body (or a photograph, which is an exhibit), and recognizes the second of her burglars. The jury interpose and the foreman says: “We find Jake Higgins not guilty, and may he always shoot as straight when yeggmen come to Ninevah.” The crowd around him shake hands. Hicks is disgusted at his fiasco.
Aunt Mary is speeding through Ninevah and recognizes Rose's car at the door of the court house. She stops and rushes in and seizes her niece. She says: “You come right back to New York for Mrs. Asbilt's dinner.” Rose replies: “No, your reign is over, I have found my hero — a real man — the man who shot my burglar.” She runs to Jake and embraces him fondly. He clumsily and ecstatically acquiesces.
Lindley says to Pomona, with whom he has been exchanging glances, friendly and significant, and says: “Apples have been my fate lately, so I lift my eyes to their goddess.” Pomona holds out her hands to him and slips into his arms.
Hicks comes forward and says: “Young man, have you any money?” Lindley says: “Nothing but my salary as professor at Princeford.” Hicks gives a despairing gesture, and cries: “Then it is up to me.” He tries to embrace Aunt Mary, but his arm is much too short. She floors him with a blow and stalks out indignantly. They pick up Hicks and Rose says: “Cheer up! Here's a 50,000 dollar necklace for your daughter's wedding present.” She puts it on the girl's neck and embraces her. Hicks scratches his head and then grins. He says: “Then I'll get the parson,” and runs out to do so.
Brother Dixon slouches back to him. Aunt Mary is found sitting on the step of her car in tears. Hicks stops to console her while Dixon goes into the courtroom. Dixon seems ill at ease and takes an apple from his pocket and begins to munch it. The coincidence makes everybody laugh, and the parson stands bewildered.
Lindley explains to Dixon that he has been sent for to marry two couples, which he begins to do, with his book in one hand and the apple in the other.
Hicks takes Aunt Mary on his arm into the court and joins the line, saying to Brother Dixon: “Luck in Odd Numbers — make it THREE!
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