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The Last Laugh
Idea during the Pasquenay Retirement; written July 20, 1919.
From a Collection of Crowley's Plays and Scenarios
Persons of the Play: The Reverend Selwyn Prendergast, M.A., B.O., 50. Captain James Anstruther, R.A., 35. Theodore Grant, M.D., Bearded, elderly, a scholar, 60. Lieutenant Walker Trevena, R.N.R., 30. Maud Trevena, his wife, late of the Follies, 25. (The God of Laughter.)
The scene represents the deck of a schooner. The sail is spread, and filled by a gentle breeze. The scenery — unbroken ocean — slowly passes behind. But thick darkness reigns.
The Reverend Selwyn Prendergast consults his watch by the light of a match, which shows a glimpse of the persons of the drama, asleep except for Trevena, who is at the helm.
Prendergast. “Two bells!”
Trevena. “It'll be dawn in a few minutes. There's Venus high in the east, and the wolf's Tail wags. (Pause) Wake Anstruther, and send him aloft.”
Prendergast touching Anstruther's shoulder. “Here's your shaving water, sir!”
Anstruther (Yawns and stretches). “A-ow-oo! Dear me, dear me. Do you know, I thought I was in my old college having a fish breakfast. It was Friday; we were rather high Anglican you know. Haw!”
Prendergast. “Dreams come true sometimes; there's two fine fish on the lines.”
Lieutenant Trevena. “Maud can cook them in that bacon fat.”
Anstruther. “Jove, Trevena, you're a lucky man. What a trump she's been. Never turned a hair. Look at her now; fresh as paint, and twice as pretty.”
Prendergast. “I suppose it is rather an extraordinary thing, a lady who can wake in the morning on a schooner and look as if she were going to a dinner party at Buckingham Palace!”
Lieutenant Trevena. “Jim, old boy, shin it up the stick; I sort of smell land.”
Anstruther. “Ay ay sir.” (Climbs the mast)
Grant (waking). “Ha Ha! There goes a monkey on a stick.”
Prendergast. “He seems to me more like a bear climbing after a bun. I saw some at Berne once.”
Trevena. “Say, boys. I'm peckish.”
Maud (waking). “Who said cook? My gummy, where are we? (sings) Afloat on the briny deep. Avast there, belay. All hands to the pumps oh what lovely fish. My friends, it's Fry-Day.”
Prendergast. “It certainly is worth while to wake up when you think you're rich for life.”
(A laugh off, very cheery and frank.)
Grant. “Oh, we're not ashore yet.”
Trevena. “You lousy landlubber. We've had a peach of a voyage, and we'll hit the island to-day, or I'm a Dutch longshoreman.”
Grant. “Well, let's hope so. Lord, I've been so seasick.”
Maud. “Physician, heal thyself. Is the island really very near, Walter?”
Trevena. “Don't know these currents very well. We may have dragged half the night.”
Anstruther (above). “Land ho. Right off the port bow.”
(They jump up excitedly, and gaze where he points.)
Trevena. “Steady, Anstruther, you ass, you've forgotten the glass.” ( Anstruther descends.)
Maud (sings). Let the toast pass Drink to the lass I warrant she'll prove excuse for the glass.
(Anstruther up again with binoculars.) “Hush! Captain Anstruther presents — presents — well what's the name of the play?
Anstruther. “England, Home, and Beauty. I can see the Jack flying from the Governor's house on the hill.”
Grant. “This, lady and gentlemen, is where we enliven breakfast with some of the champagne, hitherto reserved for strictly medical purposes.”
Maud. “That is, for the poor sea-sick doctor!”
(She has been getting the food ready, while Grant lights the stove, and Prendergast lays the table.)
Trevena. “If this breeze holds, which it will, we'll be in harbour by noon.”
Maud. “Come unto me, all ye that be an-hungered and I — oh I beg your pardon, Mr. Prendergast. I got so excited over being in sight of home.”
Prendergast. “The certain latitude, madam, once extended to Mary Magdalene, may I think be extended with propriety to cover the Stars in the Firmament of Vaudeville.”
Maud. “Oh, come now, you're getting at me. Tit for tat, as you may say,” (sings) When the one-eyed clergyman went in to bat, It was Tit for tat — Tit for tat!
(They all sit for breakfast, Trevena lashing the helm.)
Prendergast. “Lord bless this food to our use, and us to thy service. Amen.”
(He fills the plates.)
(Note. This breakfast is to be done properly. Real fish, really cooked. In any decent country there will be real champagne, to help the actors, and ease the monotony of repeated performance.)
Grant. “I say, I think that a bit of keeping the world safe for hypocrisy. We haven't been shining lights.”
Prendergast (his mouth full). “Under a bushel, Doctor, merely under a bushel.”
Trevena. “Where's that champagne?”
Anstruther. “Here sir, ready sir, coming sir, please remember the waiter.”
(Wine poured.)
Maud. “Here's a toast; To the jolly little God of Laughter.”
Prendergast. “That's made us all rich. Rich for life.”
(All drink to the toast.)
Anstruther. “Bumpers. Three times three.”
(All drink and give three cheers.)
Maud. “Here he is the darling. Set him on high.”
Prendergast. “I am afraid this conduct savors strongly of idolatry.”
Grant. “The wee free meenister at Invercuchukkain would have ground it to powder.”
Anstruther. “Huh! the best piece of jade in five continents. I'd slit his wizard.”
Maud. “Mine now. Remember your bargain.”
Trevena. “But, doctor, about what you said just now. I haven't done anything unbefitting an officer and a gentleman, and I don't see that any of you have.”
Grant. “Well, we start on a job that's either brigandage or piracy, it would take a lawyer to decide which.”
Trevena. “We took our lives in our hands.”
Grant. “So does every burglar. However, things turn out rather jolly; the natives are willing to deal.”
Trevena. “Mark that. Willing to deal.” (Very solemnly.)
Grant. “Too willing to deal I thought myself. Anyhow, we get away with rubies and the rest of it to the tune of about three million sterling . . .”
Anstruther. “And my darling God of Laughter!”
Grant. “For a few rifles and a case or two of cartridges.”
Trevena. “Well they like it. Never saw natives so friendly.”
Maud. “Never in me puff-puff.”
Grant. “Too friendly, I thought myself.”
Trevena. “Oh, that's bile on the liver, my medical friend. Now recant; the breeze is stiffening; you'll have another go -f--.” (Imitates a sea-sick man.)
Grant. “Mercy, great chief. Don't suggest things.”
Anstruther. “Thoughts are things, didn't some damn fellow say? Haw!”
Grant. “Those natives you know. I thought they were laughing at us.”
Trevena. “Nonsense.”
Prendergast. “I should like to be permitted to say, in the words of the old saw, that he who laughs last, laughs best. I think I will take a little more champagne. Hi Hi Hi!”
Maud. “Yes, old dear, it's our turn to laugh now.”
(A laugh rings, off, as before. All look up, but conclude it is Maud, and say nothing.)
Trevena. “Laughing — and quaffing.” (He drinks.)
Grant. “And sclaffing — your brassie. Come blow thou summer wind.”
Anstruther. “Grant cheerful at last. Take care you don't ——.” (Imitates a sea-sick man.)
Grant. “A' verra weel, my braw callant. Wait till I have ye with malaria. Yon island fair stinks wi' it.”
Anstruther. “You poor fish. I've had malaria more times than you've had shaves.”
(All laugh.)
Grant. “I'll shave for the Dinner with the Governor.”
Maud. “At least you might have had a date with me.”
Trevena (warningly, but in jest). “Maud!”
Maud (sings) Oh boys, I'm crazy for you; I just simply have to adore you; I would love to be your popsy-wopsy queen; And I'm sure of what I'm stating; I wouldn't keep you waiting If it wasn't for the husband in between.
(She falls into Trevena's arms and kisses him.)
Grant (as if drunk). “This laughter's simply p-p-p-pathological.”
Trevena (miming him). “You're always p-p-p-p-pathological.”
Prendergast. “And you, sir, are in my opinion reprehensibly uxorious.”
(The laughter redoubles.)
Anstruther. “J'yu know, I shwear I heard a laugh. Feller larfin', don't ye know?”
Prendergast. “Keep up the traditions of the service.”
Trevena. “Service yourself. I'm in the senior service.”
Maud. “Not much. I'm in the diplomatic service.”
Prendergast. “Diplomatic from Diplos, double; hence a twicer.”
Maud. “Walter, can you sit there and hear the wife of your buzzum insulted?”
Anstruther. “Insults, on a day like this!”
Prendergast. “Yea, verily, lay not up for yourselves treasure on earth; we've got it on the sea. We're rich for life.”
(A laugh off as before; but the company join in peals of merriment.)
Anstruther. “Say, Trevena, when we get ashore, I'll match you. Hundred yards, quarter, mile, high jump, long jump, throwing the hammer, and single wicket.”
Trevena. “Put in three swimming events, and I'm your man.”
Anstruther. “It's a bet.”
(They shake hands.)
Prendergast. “I'll back Trevena. A thousand pounds a side.”
Maud. “What! Do parsons gamble.”
Prendergast. “Like lambs, madam, like lambs. David says so.”
Maud. “Well Mr. Wolf, mayn't a lamb drink?”
(She drinks the top off a bottle, fills her beaker and drinks it off.)
Prendergast. “Madam, at sea all things are possible.”
Anstruther. “”Lord, but it's getting hot. Steward, bring the ice.”
Grant. “That's the one luxury we lack. Food, drink, a sound ship, a good navigator, a favouring breeze and a lady's conversation — but no ice.”
Maud. “D'ye mean my conversation needs it?”
Trevena. “Mrs. Trevena, you are not on the stage any more.”
Maud. “Nor you on the quarter-deck. Royal Naval Reserve.”
Prendergast. “What! the turtle-doves fall out?”
Anstruther. “Out of the schooner, haw.”
Grant. “Seems rum to me, Prendergast. How did a sky-pilot ever steer this course.”
Prendergast. “Unless the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it. I was necessary to provide ecclesiastical sanction for the Five Jolly Robbers.”
Grant. “Come to the point man.”
Prendergast. “It would surprise you to know how hard it is for the most pious and stupid people to realize ‘How hardly shall they that have riches enter into the kingdom of God.’ They hang on it. Even the Bishop of London is stony-broke; and I, pore cureless curate? ‘If they call the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more, et cetera.’ ”
Maud. “Oh cut it out. How can we cut three million into five? Five into three won't go.”
Trevena. “Prendergast, if you are not lost to all feelings of decency, you will open another two quarts.”
Prendergast. “For what we have received may the Lord make us truly thankful.”
Maud. “Gratitude is a lively anticipation of favours to come.”
Anstruther. “And they're on the way, eh? Haw.”
Grant. “Drink, pretty creatures, drink.”
Maud. “Drink to me only with thine eyes.”
Anstruther. “I shall drink the regular way.”
Trevena. “No, Jim, no more drinks for you. Your trick at the helm, you know, if the trade turns cranky.”
Anstruther (saluting). “Ay ay sir.”
Trevena. “Not that there's a chance of it. Blue sea, blue sky, and the barometer hitting 30.50 steady all the week.”
Grant. “See there's land. I can pick out the church on the hill.”
Prendergast. “I'll have a church of my own now, and be a bishop in ten years.”
Maud. “Ten years us a devil of a long time.”
(During this whole conversation the laughter constantly increases in freedom. volume, and duration. Every speech brings some laugh, whether or no it seem funny to any normal person.)
Anstruther. “ 'Twas to some I've known, was stationed near a prison once. Haw.”
Grant. “Who's gloomy now?”
Trevena. “Gloomy.”
Prendergast. “To think I should have lived to see this day.”
Maud. “Is this a day to be talking of days?” (She imitates a dour Scotch elder.)
Trevena. “The wind's dropping; let's have a swim. Here, Anstruther, let's swim the hundred now.”
Anstruther. “Go to it. Once round the schooner.”
Trevena. “Right-O.”
Maud. “Oh how jolly.”
(They strip their outer garments and dive.)
Prendergast. “Go to it Trevena. Hearts of oak.”
Grant. “Anstruther. Anstruther.”
Maud. “Walter's winning!”
(A long pause. A laugh off.)
Grant. “The sharks seem to have won.”
Maud. “What a damn silly thing to do.”
(All shriek with laughter.)
Prendergast. “Only three of us left to share the treasure.”
Maud. “Three goes into three.”
Grant. “Only three to share the treasure.”
Maud. “I hope you are polite enough to mean me: I'm a widow now ain't I?”
Prendergast. “I fear the canonical law does not exactly contemplate a partition in such cases.”
Maud. “O Mr. Prendergast.”
Grant. “Madam I offer you my heart and hand.”
Prendergast. “I've got a wife in Pimlico.”
Maud. (sings) I have a wife and bairnies three, and I'm no sure how ye'd agree, lassie.
Grant (with glasses). “Lucky we're near home. Mrs. Prendergast and I would be poor sailors.”
Maud. “Oh, I declare, I clean forgot. My Walter!” (Begins to cry; then turns to hysterical laughter; in which all join.)
Grant. “This laughter's positively pathological.”
Maud (mimics him). “Pos-i-tive-ly path-ological.”
Prendergast. “I shall die of laughing.”
(Pause; a laugh off.)
Grant. “What was that? 'Twasn't you Maud?”
Maud. “It's Maud, now is it? Belay there.”
Prendergast. “Permit me to add: avast you lubber.”
Grant. “Oh well.”
Maud. “Quit, both of you. I've vowed to my God of Laughter.”
(laugh off.)
Grant. “I'll kiss you for all that.”
(He chases her round the deck, catches her and does so.)
Maud. “Unhand me, villain.”
Prendergast (theatrically). “Is there no kiss for me.”
Maud. “Oh yes, here's the other cheek, Selwyn, may I call you?”
Prendergast. “Dear me, dear me; that was indeed delicious. Purely Platonic, madam, may I call you Maud?”
Grant. “Maudlin, by the lord.”
Prendergast. “The Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.”
(Pause. A laugh off.)
Maud. “Say, who laughed then?”
Prendergast. “Aren't we all laughing?”
Grant. “Only pathologically.”
Maud. “Was that pathological?”
Grant. “Pure hallucination.”
Maud. “My that's a bully word. Somebody kiss me again.”
Grant. “No. that's pathological.” (Extreme laughter) “Here, buck up old man.”
(Prendergast is fallen back with the exhaustion of laughing.)
Maud. “This is pathological.”
Grant (angrily). “You bet: I'll have to stick some strychnine in him; his heart's rotten. (They are helpless with laughter.) “And here I am the worst of the gang. Helpless. Utterly helpless.”
Maud. “Smiles on self help!”
(Prendergast chokes and dies.)
Grant. “Good God! He's gone.”
Maud. “Ain't that a rum 'un.”
Grant. (sings) Fifteen men on the dead man's chest Yo heave ho! and a bottle of rum. Drink and the devil have done the rest. Yo heave ho! and a bottle of rum.
Maud. (sings) And this is all her crew alive Who put to sea with seventy five.
(She dances wildly throwing her head back, with peaks of laughter. Grant joins her. They sit down weary and pledge each other in a drink.)
Grant (very serious). “This is certainly ——”
Maud. “Pathological.”
Grant. “It really is, you know. Neurosis of a sort.”
Maud. “Pressure on the occipital sub-clavian maxillary, doc.”
Grant. “Well, we'd better throw the body over the side.”
Maud. “He can introduce Walter and James to Saint Peter.” ( They throw him over.)
Grant. “Pity he can't read his own burial service.”
Maud. “T'isn't dust to dust, though; water-strong-waters!”
Grant. “No; water-strong waters to water.”
Maud. “To Walter.”
Grant. “This is like the Panic laughter they used to have in Greek and Roman days.”
Maud. “Pan was a good skate.”
Grant. “They used to invoke him in a song: something like this:” (chants) Ai Pan Pan! Pan Pan Pan! Io Pan Aegipan, Io Pan Pan! Io Pan Pan! Ae-gi-Pan! Aegipan, Aegipan, Aegipan, Aegipan Aegipan, Aegipan, Io Pan Pan!
(They both catch up this, and go on with variations. It makes them wild to dance. At last they stop, falling on each others necks in absolute fatigue.)
Grant. “Gosh, this is pathological.” (They burst out laughing again) “Look here, Maud. Will you really be my little wife?”
Maud. “Don't be silly.” (She pushes him away. He reels, catches his foot and goes overboard.) “Now I've been and gone and done it.” (She rocks with laughter.) “Oh you darling. Now I'm yours.”
(She puts her arms round the jade image and makes love to it.)
“I seem to be having the last laugh.”
(She dances wildly, yelling with laughter, then falls limp once more on the image, her sides shaking and heaving.
A. Then her eyes open in a ghastly stare; she laughs, catches her breath, and dies. Pause. The laugh rings off.
B. In uncultivated countries, a bright man in green, very jolly, resembling the image, climbs aboard, catches her under his arm, she still laughing, goes to the helm and puts it hard over, as the curtain falls. After its fall, the laugh off is once repeated, faintly, as if dying away in the distance.)
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