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The Ballad of the Spaceman's Woe
You’ll never know what you can do Until you crack that sky of blue And feel the dark space ‘wash of you You’ll never, never know.
And in that vast sidereal sweep Your old star bucket’s cosmic creep Will take you to strange worlds and reap The commerce that they grow.
Of iron and ore there is no dearth Or metals all for what they’re worth To build fleets for Imperial Earth The giant ships a’row.
And if there should be anyone From Pluto’s rim to farthest sun Who doesn’t like what we have done They know where they can blow.
For Earth’s Galactic Empire knows No combination of her foes Who could our great Grand Fleets oppose Out in the ether flow.
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A spaceman’s life is hard indeed Without there ever being need For war with any alien breed To give the spaceman woe.
There was a time when we were told The new transstellar drive would hold A warp in space that we could fold From here to there, like so.
And then what did those Brass Hats do? They said, “That’s just the thing for you And on these ships your jolly crew Can sail forever!” Oh.
And that’s the reason why, you see, No farthest nook of space is free From our inquiring scrutiny Above or down below.
But I would rather take my tuck Aboard a creaking freighter truck Than try a Flying Dutchman’s luck Oh moan the spaceman’s woe.
On Ganymede I met a chick Build like a certain house of brick, ‘Twas then I said, “Right here I’ll stick And never, never go.”
And right there I set up my shack And would have stayed until the crack Of Doom, but I was shanghaied back Oh, hear a sailor’s woe.
Oh, bend an elbow, lend an ear And gather round so all may hear The story of a life so drear Oh hear the spaceman’s woe.
A thousand years are but a day Asleep aboard the “Cosmic Ray” And so we snooze our years away Such is the spaceman’s woe.
And if we die out in the deep There’s none to wail and none to weep Our bones are in dry space to keep Oh hear our tale of woe.
Or if we’ve been too long in space We foul our jets and then they place Us in a ship for Earth, Prime Base, And tie us up like so.
But after one year in the crate We’re glad to grab a sky bound freight To let our nerves recuperate Oh hear the spaceman’s woe.
And when our rest has just begun The long haul transgalactic run Will need replacements, everyone, And off again we’ll go.
And what will this time be our fate? A robot brain to navigate To make of us more meteor bait Oh play the dirge strains slow.
Or else we’ll foul on piracy As cruel as ever on the sea They’ll hull us with incendiary And out our air will blow.
In sagas of the spaceways old The tale of woe is often told About the ‘A-CH-ING hero bold In days of long ago.
Who streaked his racing comet where The methaned moons of Jupiter Could grab him by his shortened fur And end him up a glow.
And that is why ’tis often told “There’s heroes old and heroes bold, But heroes bold are never old.” Oh drown our tale of woe.
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