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Correspondence from Jane Wolfe to Karl Germer
[EXTRACT]
[Undated: circa mid November 1943]
You are correct in your diagnosis of me. I am quite conscious of powers that I cannot grasp—I seem to live a more vivid life elsewhere. I am hampered by ineffectual oral expression—also indifference, I believe—and I was in all my years at Winona Blvd., and also 1003 [1003 S. Orange Grove Avenue], pushed to the back—deliberately by Regina [Regina Kahl] and Wilfred [Wilfred Talbot Smith]. Regina so desperately wanted W.[ilfred] to make good. He got so that my experiences, talks, knowledge, etc., related to him at various times, became his experiences, etc., and he gave them out as such with gusto and authority. Jack [Jack Parsons] thought this all right: the head should have this support.
I was self-conscious about my self—had a guilt-complex. Mary K. [Mary K. Wolfe] raged at what she termed the slights and indignities shown me. I thought I had to continue to help put over the Order.
This, you see, is a conscious reason. Frederic [Frederic Mellinger] once said: "Had you been able to reconcile the 15-year old with the woman, Jane, you would have been a very great Adept." He seemed to think I might still achieve this, but I don't see how. But I am getting on my feet, a change is making itself felt: I am more sure—the teaching may be establishing me.
While making these confessions, let me add one more thing. Last night I got what I think to be a faint, o faint, faint, perfume of :intelligible essence". Ararita: see letter to A.C. But these things mean nothing to my mind! I.e., of what good are they to any one else? How can they be stepped down for daily use with others. An answer comes: When thoroughly one's own, the personality must radiate and convince others more subtly than by speech. But this had been my trouble all my life: I have had some stirring experiences and haven't the wit to use them. Interesting experiences of sight—I see now experiences of sense can be used almost immediately. Good!
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