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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Thursday, 16 March 1922
1.21 A.M. I stop writing, and return to my draft of the letter to Lord Northcliffe, proposing a Fortnightly Magazine to establish the Law.
3.45 A.M. Failing to sleep (after reading till past 2) I took a tablet of Noctyl, some Evian, and a little drink. Got a violent bronchial attack at once; so I take a small dose of Heroin at 4.2 (15 1/2). I found it, by the way, very hard to concentrate on Aiwaz at all (between 2 odd and 3.45) thought wandered badly.
4.14 This was a quite genuine cough: the minute dose of heroin cured it at once.
6.35 No sleep, sweating, and another attack of coughing. (16) Small [dose of Heroin]. Too late: developed severe vomiting.
(16 1/2) 6.46 Small [dose of Heroin] The time shows that the attack lasted 11 minutes; it is still far from subsiding. I have been better concentrated during the last two hours; and I get a great deal of rest despite the lack of actual sleep. What really annoys me is that I have to change my plans for the following day. E.g. I cannot sleep at 2-3 not at 11, lunch at the Taverne Royale, do various shopping, meet Anna [Anna Wickham] at 5, Booth-Clibborn [Arthur Booth-Clibborn] at 6, and wind up with the Grand Guignol. I must now stay awake till 8, breakfast, go to the Hammam, lunch, sleep, and meet new Thelemites at 5 and 6 (as before). Whatever happens, I am the thing Aiwaz uses for His Work, no more. But I want, too, to work a complete cure and yet to keep in touch with Aimee [Aimée Gouraud] and the new Thelemites etc etc: it seems as if incompatibles were always appearing. Again, late as it is, and wakeful as I am, I may be overpowered by sleep before 8, or even after breakfast. The best of the business is this: that I am dead set against asking for human help. I feel it is up to me to master the situation like a man. This is complicated, once more, by the question of the IX° and XI° which would really cure me; and which I seem to get no chance of employing, though a single determined act would put me in the saddle—or under it, according to the case.
I think the best plan is to break away violently from the existing conditions; stay awake till 8, coute qui coute, reach the Hammam on foot, do a real meditation there, insist on a message, finish off the New Thelemites by setting A.W. [Anna Wickham] to Yoga and B-C [Booth-Clibborn] to go to Leah [Leah Hirsig], and take from now to Saturday in the country, in a new place, preferably with a IX° or XI° arrangement, and return with my "New Man" fixed up physically. Yes: on mature consideration that will I do.
It is now 7.10 and I shall take a Small dose of Heroin to mak' siccar (17). I shall also get up, and put on my walking clothes—to try to disguise myself as a man!
I shall remove all restrictions for the moment, and concentrate on changing the current.
7.25 I ask 93 for a special message about all this: "Thou reinest in the stars: thou drivest the constellations seven abreast through the circus of Nothingness". Clear enough: it means bring my Dhatus into order by starting a hell of a new stunt.
(17 1/2) Small [dose of Heroin]: to assert my initiation of the New Current.
7.45 The whole of this night's record means roughly that I have been "stung to action". It has doubtless been a factor that yesterday I obtained the means of action: the English for which is MONEY. And I was told "Money fear not" when I was worth at least £15,000 in solid cash!!! What an ass I am; and what foresight and wisdom Aiwaz displays in every phrase.
7.50 I am fighting against sleep like a maniac; but I am going to carry our my new programme; and I shall make sure by taking a good fat dose of Cocaine.
8.56 "Money fear not": one of the brightest incidents of last night was a prolonged argument at the table of a millionaire in the presence of a guest as to whether there was enough asparagus to go round. The meal consisted of a bad beefsteak, rice, potatoes, the tinned asparagus aforesaid, apple sauce, mineral water and wine of the two francs a litre retail price kind, coffee, and cigarettes. There might really have been a box of thirty centime cigars without the risk of any one smoking one. And the hostess had evidently no shame about serving this food—at which a cat's meat man would have raised hell—in a house full of priceless Oriental treasures, such as gold lacquer Buddha-rupas twelve-feet high. The servants evidently cheat her; they wouldn't eat a dinner like that themselves. How can I save this woman, this splendid strong good-hearted woman, from the hell she is headed for?
The Yi [King] says: K[teis] of Water "great" Lin XIX attack, but with tact; urge her to think and act on big principles.
5.55 Turker and short nap did me much good.
18 19 ? at Turker [Turkish Bath].
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