Aleister Crowley Diary Entry

Saturday, 7 April 1923

 

 

12.10 [Heroin] (1). Worked at H.P. till 3.0 slept till 12.30—motion hard and horrid—and then again till 2.0. [Heroin] (2) Feeling rotten—"discouraged"—how well I understand Bernard Shaw's idea! that life, as we know it, is—hell! there must be a Modulus between the maxima and minima scales which identify them. I tried Ethel [Ether], and got a whole series of Analysed Thoughts, all symptoms of discouragement: this naturally made me no better, I am sleepy and stupid and sulky and sullen and sorry for myself. Oh how I hate the limitation of Aleister Crowley! Oh what misery is theirs who have not crossed the Abyss! (I think most of my depression arises from Frater Achad's [Charles Stansfeld Jones] letter "I have done MY work under MY own chosen name in MY own way" etc Utter Bilge—lamentable that a 8º = 3o should go so frightfully far back into the filth. I despair that such things should be done in the green tree.

     

4.0. [Heroin] (3) Feel a little bit better, not much. I wish to Cunt I could summon up enough resolution to get away for a week or 10 days.

     

5.35 Some [Cocaine] has woken me up a bit, but not fully.

     

5.50 No! there is some deeply-seated despair in my heart today which depresses me—formlessly yet fearfully. There is a bitter wind and a leaden firmament which may account for it in part. Anyhow, I "desire death much": I yearn intently to be free from all the fetters of incarnation, that I may devote my energy unhindered to the emancipation of the Universe. Nay, but I must endure this burden of the body; for thereby am I brought and kept in contact with the conditions which I am sworn to amend. This is the real reason why it is written that the Saviour must suffer—"a man of Sorrows, and acquainted with grief". The Crowned and Conquering Child is likely to be cruel—children always are, not knowing what hurts. But this does not matter when all are Children, and their little pains and frets are forgotten as soon as they are over.

     

6.0. Shaved and cleaned teeth—caused vomiting.

     

8.50 Have Hagged [The Confessions of Aleister Crowley] for 2 1/2 hours. A bit shaky. [Heroin] (4) to settle.

     

9.10 about Hag—I am now to Oct '11. Tomorrow Abuldiz [Ab-ul-Diz Working] and Book 4 [Volume I and Volume II]. 1912 is I suppose Book of Lies, Ragtime Girls and O.T.O. '13 is Moscow (Cremers [Vittoria Cremers]—snakes on Rocher d'Avon) and O.T.O. (Insert Nijni poem [The Fun of the Fair] in full as a chapter). 1914 Paris Working. Tunis. Cefalu. Switzerland. War. Phebitis. U.S.A. I'll divide this 5 years by subject.

          

(a) 9º = 2o

          

(b) Politics

          

(c) Literature: V.F. Int=

          

(d) The Country: G[ran]d Canyon, Mammoth Caves, New Orleans, Florida, N[ew] Hampshire, Aesopus I, Montauk, Georgia

          

(e) The people: Kennedy Crippen Ev[angeline] Adams Cosgrave [John O'Hara Cosgrave] Capablanca (Mrs and Miss Rice) Stuart X Viereck Dr. Cook Marre Keating Raynes Hereward [Carrington] C. Otto Kahn. Crowninshield [Frank Crowninshield]. Birnbaum. Cross (Faubourg St. G.) Rethy Edw Mackham Alex Harvey Bill Seabrook Harry Kemp Munsterberg (Germ-Aus in gen[era]l) Dr. Gumver Jess Willard Laurence Bishop and Family Murry (Larchmont crowd) Walter Grey Leon [?] Habit "flighty &sk" [?] Helen Westly J.R.F. Myriam Deroxe Rita Gonzales Ratan Devi [Alice Coomaraswamy] (and Worm) Gerda Sister Green (& Co) Cath Miller Roddie [Roddie Minor] Poetry Soc (quote sonnet) Marion Dock. [Marian Dockerill] Leah [Leah Hirsig]. "Baroness" (Cf Mary Butts) Kate [Kate Seabrook] (guessed "Haunted Sea Captain") Helesten Hollis Judge O'Brien Estelle Churchill (infant whore) Doris Gomes Renee Prabar Amee E Rice Aimee Gourand Countess Mierka Mrs B (Aimee's pal from S.F.) Mrs Lewisohn & gang. Marie Robling. Viereck's lawyer. Osulist (mouches vo-law-tes [?]) Keachey (Dr. de V.p. F.H's partner (horse-doctor mystic) Ryerson Lodge Dr. Bowman and sex-follies Miss Anderson Berthe Russell, Wilkinson, Powys Arnold Shaw (astrology test) Herb Kaufmann Tony Sarg. Madeline Redhead on Aesopus. Mrs ? and son (canoe) Alex Black. Ed of Snappy Stories. Mencken. (Savoy incident) Cabell [James Branch Cabell]. Col R ? (Aesopus) Christian ? (sealed letter) Bert Reece "Khoi" (Rosae Crucis) police-court incident. Mrs Clark. Sanders. Whitty. Tingley. Mrs ? Leo Hunter in S.F. Harriet Munro. Old Yeats. Margaret Sprague. Eva Tanguay (Quote essay) Dorothy Troxel. Mrs Mac ? (Kennedy's) her fiddling brother Frog-elemental Mrs Stuart X. Temple Scott. Fordyce. W.J. Bryan. Edward Smith (N.Y. World) Knopf Elsa Barker Paul Carus Belcher (Gilb Yorke) Yorika Maud Allen Hilliard Edwd. Fitch. "Shades & Shadows" ? Judge Wells Judge Marah (police-court scene) Belle Greene. Max Eastman. "Black Mob" - his joint. Turkers. Perfume woman with "ideas". Genthe. Arthur Baker. Gladys Belasco. "Lovey". Dreiser. Bernice Abbott (V of Village) Beatrice Martin, Desda & Walter Smart, Sasahi Noguchi. S Jacobs. Bercovici. Mrs Lincke. May Spence (gift) Lion-tamer Mrs Rose? (occult negress) Bob Chanler Clem... Ivan Norodny Mrs H.P. Whitney Mrs Force Bernard West. Holden Sampson. Philip Muller. Laura Brown (return to pinch something) The T.K. (mad worship and treachery) "Maud" (demonstrate $1000 for Xmas) Hanson [William Hanson]. de Vinne. Camp and Ella Therudis Sir Edward (story) Montauk clairvoyants. Iris Tree Curtiss Moffatt. Flanagan Bartlett Gregg. Prince Pal. Henry H. N.Y. World (Stead Story) Henri. The Hell-Hole crowd. Gladys Harmon. Vaudeville Jew (put on L.W's act) Mc ? (N.Y. World Benzine Jag) Guy Holt. Esther. Kitty (Kennedy's collapse) Dr Prince. Dr Hyslop. Frank Sturgis Dr ? (psychanalyst) Frank and Mrs Tompkins. The fat French milliner. Rose O'Neil (hair) Mary K and Jane Wolfe. Norman. Slim dark friend of Ev. Adams. Mrs Clarke (horsey English) Miss Roberts and Vinegary friend. Red-haired w. at Lib Club and dark "suffering" friend. Manhattan Ch. C. Champ. Nines. Cullen Laurence Maynard. Sheamus O'? (wild Irish rebel) Beadle and Willy. Walter Terrill. Willy Seidel. Mrs Carpenter (ouija board) Schroeder Helen Woljeska Faith Baldwin Mrs Wilkinson G.G. Barnard. Holly (Babist Army surgeon Pullman porter story.

     

11.5 16 [drops] Laud[anum] to quiet nerves. Having done O.S.A., I propose to condense subsequent events into a single chapter, leaving all the strings with loose ends, and giving few details.

     

11.45 For some reason unknown I want [Heroin] very much; can hardly wait for 15 minutes to elapse. Strange!

 

 

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