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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry
Friday, 29 June 1923
Die Venus
I slept instantly from 1 a.m. but woke at 4.30 with a very bad attack of-whatever it is. I couldn’t think of the Amyl Nitrate, & had 2 hours’ hard work with Ether, & a [Heroin]. Then I slept till 9.30 & woke exhausted. I am now better, but still breathing uneasily.
This is however an ‘answer to prayer’. I have simply been obsessed by conventional views about [Heroin] this assures me finally that the need for it is purely physiological, altogether independent of the will. I must therefore direct my endeavours to recovering my health pure & simple.
11.11 p.m. I am always thinking of Alostrael [Leah Hirsig], loving her. And the one thing that keeps coming back to my mind is this: one day, early in our love, I was pointing out some misconduct of Hansi’s—I quite forget what, of course. And she said: ‘But he’s such a little fellow’, which rebuked me, & nearly made me break into weeping. And somehow I am not very far from tears at this moment. The truth is (I fear) that the beauty of human love—as she & I know it—does really give a new meaning to the old foolish fear of death.
This comes of attaching value to trivial incidents in themselves, as if the spiritual truth which transcends all phenomena soever, & flowers into infinite gardens continually. So I quit worrying.
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