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Aleister Crowley Diary Entry Wednesday, 26 March 1924
die Mercury.
Hail unto Kheph Ra!
I went out on astral to do this, and got a S.M.F. [Sick Man's Fancies] (No. 18) Also. I saw myself as a Cell, and integral but indistinguishable item of the Body of Nuit, absorbing nourishment all round, but only linked with the rest actively by means of my one long hypertrophy, a sort of tentacle doing duty for all functions: my prophetic (literary) genius. I saw myself physically like this, a sort of sprouting onion. ? fennel (is it?) very shining white with palest tints of green.
2.40 A.M. Gardenal[1] and all, I woke with C and a trace of A.
4.0. Awake again, from very wonderful dream. Schoolmaster and mistress and boys (?) scene (?) amazed the woman suddenly turning against me. Horrified and in danger. It comes across me in a flash that she is drunk: was always the second nurse who messed things up. My chance has come. I shall demand medical (?) evidence.
9.30 A.M. I must have been a lot more than half asleep!
11.11 A.M. Have opened O.P.V.'s [Norman Mudd] letters. His 'ghoulishness' is really the limit! Not a word in those many pages which is not "firm and correct". Main point: the time has come for me to sue the "Sunday Express"—with my naked hands. I agree enthusiastically; but will consult the Yi and Thelema on general principles. (P.S. Done in presence of Bernard Harrison, who was waiting for the answer. All ghastly wrong; but I had had a succession of shocks that morning in my very weakest nervous state, and was acting automatically. I think I shall enquire further after some time, and when my mind is equable.
What action shall I take on the policy suggested by Frater O.P.V. in the letters I postponed reading till now? [I Ching Hexagram] LXII Hsaio Kwo "The Bird" Big Luna. They symbol is outwardly bad, inwardly good. It represents Naked Integrity and the transcending of worldly considerations. The utmost humility and truth must be employed: "to descend is better than to ascend: there will in this way be great good fortune. I must submit myself to the judgment of the class I have always most despised; and that without any of the normal extraneous aids.
Line 1. Avoid ambition, pride, and [illegible]. (Appendix II) Exceed in humility, sorrow, and economy. [Line] 2. Put the interest of R.H.K. [Ra Hoor Khuit] first last and all the time. [Line] 3. Never forget that it is the weak mean and vile creatures who have driven me to this extremity. They are the danger. [Line] 4. Do not win with anything to spare: meet each emergency exactly enough, and no more. [Line] 5. [Line] 6. The situation must be met exactly and firmly. Ambition is fatal. O.P.V.'s "royal proclamations" won't do. I must plead humbly for fair play.
Oracle (Taken hastily after drawing blank). VII 4.58. Word "belly". "Then" (i.e. after the naked woman and the little red worm have caught their fish) wilt thou be a shining fish with golden back and silver belly: I will be like a violent beautiful man, stronger than two score bulls, a man of the West bearing a great sack of precious jewels upon a staff that is greater than the axis of the all. And the fish shall be sacrificed to Thee, and the strong man crucified for Me, and Thou and I will kiss, and atone for the wrong of the Beginning: yea, for the wrong of the beginning". This is the Sol chapter of VII.
The woman is O.M. the worm is the Angel: red for Shin [Hebrew], 'worm' for Kundalini, hook for Tzaddi [Hebrew]. The Angel becomes a fish—the Vesica, for He appears in Binah in Liber VII (crossing the Abyss. I become Aleph Atu 0. These symbols must be destroyed unto Themselves, for they are duality; this is the Kiss, with result as above.
1.45 P.M. N.B. ask for 1/4d damages: I can't take their money, for that would really be "dirty" money. The R[ich] M[an] from the W[est] will come to supply all we want—for forging steel. I ask 1/4d to comply with the law; to ask for more would be to err in the magical formula. (See lines 1 and 6 of Hex[agra]m LXII. Note LXII is followed by Luna of Sol Ki Zi, where all the lines are in their right place—order is established, and ask funds to pay Bourcier something, and the journey to London of Alostrael [Leah Hirsig] and myself.)
I wired O.P.V. Opened letters apologies agree will come London immediately Alostrael arrives Send any available cash journey and help Bourcier. 666-718. Q[uer]y: Should I have the Mark of the Beast tattooed on my brow, breast, and in the palm of right hand? Also: should I change my name legally by deed-poll to "The Beast 666"? The objection is that (like wearing Highland dress at the trial, a less objectionable idea) such measures appear theatrical. But they should have been done long ago. I should have burnt my boats. That is the inherent cowardice: I have always wanted to remain in my "class", instead of proclaiming myself once and for all the Priest of the Princes.
That Fox that showed me the way through his Earth from Air to Fire—I've been hunting him all these weeks, and now, by the Spear of Ra Hoor Khuit I will transfix him, and his blood shall go to fill the Sangraal of the Scarlet Woman. Thus even all my cunning and deceit shall be the object of my burning Love: I will destroy them once and for all, and thereby make the Fox (oh! damn my sense of honour!) the name-hero of the Book of Martyrs!
2.50. My one unpleasant incident with "Betty May" I don't want to attack newspapers: I simply say that they distract the mind from contemplating the Eternal. This being the chief object of the Abbey [Abbey of Thelema], they were forbidden within the precincts.
2.55 No doubt, the jury will be packed. The Intelligence who saw to it that Samuel Jacobs should write the answer to my riddle at the hour of my asking for an answer can easily slip in a man to talk the rest into giving me the verdict.
3.0 P.M. Remember: I always said that as soon as a financially responsible paper libelled me, I would go for it. I shirked doing so, on the ground that I had no money even to get to London. The real reason—of the Magus—was that I had to go through the purifying fired of all the subsequent suffering, discovery of the manifold evil of my heart, and, beyond it, of the true root of the stainless Godhead "that burns in every heart of man, and in the core of every star". It is that flame, springing forth, which burns up the evil that would stifle it. (See S.M.F. [Sick Man's Fancies] No. 19)
5.0 P.M. Curious, to say the least! For the first time since I have lain here sick, I have heard from the church!
9.30 P.M. They brought no Ethel [Ether]! Well, it is up to the Gods to see me through the night! Will use pine-inhalation before trying to forget that I need sleep, and may be in trouble on waking.
About heroin. I must make a short and simple statement of the facts, on the following lines.
1. In 1898-9 (I was 23) I was working under a teacher [Allan Bennett] with spasmodic asthma which compelled him to use opium, morphine, cocaine and chloroform in a cycle, his only free periods when too weak to be attacked. He told me of the magical tradition that a drug existed whose use would open the gates of the World beyond the Veil of Matter. We made several experiments with hemlock etc.
2. Later, I made numerous experiments on myself and others with this object, using many different drugs.
3. I studied the subject in books, and with specialists. I refused to believe that the theory of irresistible fascination was true. I believed that moral rectitude was the only safeguard, and that prohibition increased the danger.
4. I tested this theory on myself, an found that no 'habit-forming' drug had any such effect on me.
5. In December 1919, however, heroin, which I had never tried, was prescribed for me for my asthma and bronchitis by Dr. A. Batty Shaw.
6. My condition growing worse, I had to resort to the drug more frequently, and I then found that a physical—though not a moral—habit was becoming established.
7. I tested my power to break this, and found that I could do so, albeit with some hardship for 3 or 4 days.
8. But whenever I am in circumstances (climate etc) which brings on attacks of bronchitis and asthma, I am forced to resume the use of heroin, no other remedy being of the least virtue to cut short the distress. (This distress is prolonged and violent, ending in complete physical prostration)
9. I conclude: (a) that in conditions when I am liable to asthma etc I am unable to cut off the drug, unless at the expense of weeks of complete prostration. (b) But I can stop it at will, given freedom from actual attacks of disease. (c) that, given life in conditions unfavourable to free respiration, I need a certain supply of the drug in my system, as some other people need thyroid gland, iron, or calcium. (d) that my experience should serve as a preliminary prima facie case for a revolutionary revision of the extant medical theories on the subject, and of the legislation regarding the sale of heroin and similar drugs.
9.55 P.M. I will read a little of "The Amateur Archangel" by T[heron] C[lark] Crawford, my friend from New Haven Ct.
10.5 P.M. I have been careful not to break the law of the country in which I may be travelling. For I wish to bring about reforms in legislation; and unless I respect the existing law myself, such endeavor would be absurd. For I cannot expect men to obey my law, if I refuse to obey theirs. By law, however, I mean that which is generally understood by lay educated people, and acquiesced in by them. I have possibly, for all I know, broken obsolescent laws, such as the Lord's Day Observance Act, and technical regulations of which I was ignorant, such as sitting down weary from a long day's march in the Sun, a crime for which I have been arrested (though not prosecuted) both in New York and in Gibralter.
9.35 Visitor to Abbey [Abbey of Thelema] "I want to look at the pictures and have a woman". One of my great points is to train people's minds to be pure, that is, not to mix up ideas which are in reality separate. This trouble occur principally in sexual matters. Men do not gloat on still-life pictures of fruit and demand dinner, though with some martial pictures might incite them to want to be soldiers. This is because was and love are dangerous passions—easily excited by ideas which should not do so. It is thus of immense importance to mankind to get those passions under control; and my plan for teaching this is to compel them to contemplate the ideas dispassionately. I do therefore insist that they should look at Titian's Leda, Corregio's Antiope, and even Fragonard's or Greuze's dainty voluptuous women without seeing anything except colour and form. Etc. Etc. Surgeon and repulsion or pity etc.
10.45 My 'confession' Their bait of falsehood will take a notably large coup [?] of truth.
11.44 Opening Speech.
1. By English law the plaintiff in a libel action is really a criminal in the dock. He must prove that he has a character to be damaged. I must ∴ begin by explaining who I am. (anecdote of Wally: "You're not the first to fail to understand Mr. A.C.)
2. My father P[lymouth] B[rethren] preacher wealthy over 40: my mother strict Evangelical, sister of T.B.B. [Thomas Bond Bishop] country wench, gave up her religion for the rich marriage to the man of position, much younger.
4. Result: I am a 'natural'. My psychology (and even physiology) has many feminine traits. I have never grown up.
4a. The Alexander incident. My precocity: chess, long names, etc.
5. My innocence. The sheltered life. Self-abuse: mysterious hints lead to scientific researches—wholly in vain. I never came near suspecting the organ involved. I passed through an English Public School, my study companion the most popular boy in the House, without learning what homosexuality was. To this day I cannot really believe in deliberate evil-doing. I suspect 'a mistake somewhere'. I conceal innocence (ashamed of it) by cynicism.
6. My courage. More feminine than masculine. Games. Climbing. Cowardice camouflaged as pride "too proud to fight". My cowardice is really my weak hold on life. I know one must fight to win, and I doubt its being worth while.
7. Early tortures after Father's death. Champneys. T.B.B. E.B.C. Dickens and Little Em'ly. Ancient Mariner and Snakes. Barred from friends of own age: they might corrupt me.
8. Revolt. I react against this, sweepingly. E.g. I sneak into Established Church in search of Sin, as another boy might into a low public-house or a gambling hall. This led me to cultivate every sin as I discovered it, as a ceremonial protest.
9. Cambridge. Freedom. I dropped Sin as such instantly, but indulge in pleasure—love-affairs with local beauties, card parties etc. Discovered existence of English Literature, and worked secretly and passionately to read all classics.
10. Poetry. At 11 or 12 I begin with hymns—one published in "The Christian". Many parodies, silly love-verses, epics imitating Walter Scott.
11. My real Puritanism. The Decadents from [Aubrey] Beardsley to [Oscar] Wilde to Yeats [W. B. Yeats] and Theodore Wratislaw seek to influence me. I am disgusted by their lack of virility, and write "Songs of the Spirit" (Quote)
12. The Trance of Sorrow Oct '97. Abandoned diplomacy and poetry for "Magick". The Cloud on the Sanctuary. Why Magick? Call to Masters. O.E. [Oscar Eckenstein] at Wast[dale] Easter '98.
13. The three "bad" books. 3 among—how count them? W.S. [White Stains] in good faith to refute K's [Kraft-Ebbing] theories. S. [Snowdrops from a Curate's Garden] from C[olonel] G[ormly] in deep disgust of 'erotic' literature '.' people with me in house could read no other kind of book. Method: exaggeration of absurdities and beastliness. Cf. Don Quixote and the foolish false romance-literature.
B-i-M [Bagh-i-Muattar] serious. A practical joke, yet with the object of presenting mystical truths in the Oriental style, so as to deceive experts. Also, to guard those truths from people shallow enough to put off by the symbolism.
Issued W.S. 100 copies only very few distributed and those to very intimate friends or mental pathologists.
S. C. G. 100 (In France. a bare dozen distributed—to people I despised for their priggish lust—to cure them by surfeit).
B-i-M 200 3.0.0. a few only sold by Probsthain or self. Many burnt. Maintain a pure mind may find in it treasure of Spiritual truth and no trace of evil.
14. My real views on sex. On training people to deal with S[ex] Q[uestion].
1—Gardenal contains phenobarbital, a barbituate.
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