Aleister Crowley Diary Entry

Wednesday, 2 April 1924

[re. March 31.]

This letter was not sent, but used to guide 667 [Leah Hirsig] in hers. Now—die Mercury [2nd] it is to be revised, and the most important parts re-drafted, to "fix him more firmly in the faith"! ! !

The Gods keep Thelema from falling under the administration of an O.P.V. [Norman Mudd] (See Prometheus Unbound Act.1 11. 539-555).

die Mercurii.

12.0. Hail unto Kheph Ra! Alostrael [Leah Hirsig] has a little cough—it kept me awake too by a similar method. The beastly thing had got hold of Big Lion's [Crowley] Kling Klong which had started to push about rashly.

12.50 A.M. Must have slept practically at once—within a few minutes of midnight. Leah, restlessly moving and coughing in her sleep, woke me. (But note that my first spell of sleep is often about 1/4 h[ou]r.) I have a burning sensation in the throat, and a desire (?physical memory mostly?) to cough, but I do not cough. Other nights have been marked by coughing almost before conscious.

Now 12.58 I am already falling asleep over the record.

1.10 A.M. Woke again, perfectly calm physically, but astonished (Cf the previous nights' alarm) at the dark. I called aloud "Who turned that light out?".

2.15 "Awake again! This is aloud!" I am annoyed by the scientific need to record this. Also I doubted if I had been really asleep, there having been a flow of very pleasant continuous thought. There is a very strong burning feeling, definitely localized in throat; this induces 2 mild goes of coughing. Nostrils not quite free: blowing nose causes a third. Thirsty. Merely being awake (so it seems) starts a 4th cough, very slight indeed.

2.25 Yes—and a 5th 6th and 7th there is, definitely, phlegm to expel. Not so ready to sleep again at once, either. Took potion: 2.30.

3.54 Wake at ease from striking and very pleasant dream. Voyage among superstitious tribes. I have done something against which I have been warned (This several times: I always turn the error into a means of showing my mastery. Final point puzzles me: can't think of way to bluff comment. This wakes me, I suppose. Sleepy. Thirsty.

6.55 Awake—dry mouth—no cough—thirsty.

7.45 Slept again at once, evidently. Woke now—as 6.55, but slight cough, require to dislodge phlegm.

11.40 Brekker at 8 circa: slept again off and on till near 11.30.

3 earth-aq. [Heroin] before noon for "Fourth Night".

This is to be all, save possibly one more, near sleeping-time, or in emergency. In case I am forced to adopt the "protection" policy, it is important to dins the minimum daily dose, and the times for using it. Yesterday's 7 goes [of Heroin] were very thoroughly efficient as protection—I thought it quite impossible to throw up an entrenchment in one day. But the other effects have been decidedly pernicious. My real normal wakefulness is incompatible with the H[eroin]-vigil state in any form.

3.15 Combination emergency. I took some [sign of two-sided triangle]—very foolishly—after lunch. Cough and collapse seemed imminent. earth-aq. The general conditions of life at present are really too bad. Unless I get fresh air, good and varied food, etc. I cannot possibly pick up—it's unreasonable to expect it—IX° would be the best chance, but somehow I don't feel as if it would be applicable, unless done by people quite outside the intimate circle and that spontaneously, from loyalty, and with the fresh confidence of youth and affection. I suspect the bronchitis, by the way, of being to a great extent a function of the nervous exhaustion.

Summary of "Fourth Night" (H[eroin]-protection during day: also in case of emergency during night. Wed-Thurs. 2-3).

H-protection. 1. 2. 3. Just before noon. 4 3.15 (Cough and collapse) 5 5.50 (Time determined by need to concentrate mind) 6 9.20 (2 hours or so before 'Lights out') (Note. Very depressed in A.M. Partly H-reaction: partly active worry: partly weather-effect). Sleep. 12.0 - 1.0 A.M. Woke with cough. earth-aq. 9 - 11.30. Total. 1 plus 4 1/2 plus 2 1/2 h = 8 h in all.

(Dozed again after lunch, making this 9 1/2 - 10 h.) Between daytime dozing collapse followed collapse: being without prospect of general relief there was really no option but to go on with minimum doses at greatest intervals possible. The utter absence of all prospect of help kills the spirit of resistance.)

[On next page appears a drawing in ink of an Egyptian Figure—seated—with wand and ankh etc.]

5.50 earth-aq. No. 5. (chiefly to concentrate in emergency measures as to valuable books and pictures at Cefalu.)

7.30 Notes for "Fifth Night" No H-protection during day: No L[audanum] or M[orphine]. Confront reaction-and-withdrawal-symptoms with Courage. KBr, Gardenal,^[1] Potion; or, in grave emergency Eth20 [Ether].

[the diary continues in the handwriting of Leah Hirsig]

7.40 P.M. My deep depression this morning is partly to be explained by weather, partly caused by return to H[eroin] and spasm of work, going out etc., in accordance therewith. But its deepest cause was consideration of the evidence of the night's sleep. I deduced that H was more efficient as a prophylactic than as a therapeutic. That seemed to me almost equivalent to condemning me for life to the regular as opposed to the emergency use of the drug. Shaken by this conclusion, I began to resent the day's programme. The carrying out of the extremely well-devised plan of the clinical pictures of the four nights. Instead of sticking calmly to the policy previously laid down, I was tempted to swear off hysterically. I hastily argued that I had already sufficient evidence. The result was that my mind became entirely unstable. I changed it back again suddenly, and took 3 doses before lunch without any clear idea of plan. All this agitation increased my depression; the H exercised an almost wholly soporific action. Tho I had slept much better than on the previous night. I dozed off yet again after lunch to wake in alarm with a threat of a spasm of coughing and of collapse at the same moment. I took some "potion", found it quite effective in the agitated state, and flew to my fourth dose at a quite proper time and as per programme, but yet with a quite clear sense of doing wrong. I have gone into this at some length because I judge it of extreme importance to show in detail the utterly pernicious effect of losing one's presence of mind. The whole rotten cycle sprang from fear of the drug. I had completely lost sight of the facts of the case, past success, and everything else, and was simply stampeded into irregular action. This is always bad whether any given act is in itself right or wrong. I severely blame the S.W. [Scarlet Woman - Leah Hirsig] for having done her utmost to scare me. (Bloody balls—of course that was my idea! 31-666-31 [Leah Hirsig])

8. P.M. Let the Gods enlighten us as to the policy which They will is to pursue in our consecrated function as The Beast and the S.W.? [I Ching Hexagram] No. XLVIII Zing Luna/Air. A well. Answer! Purify your hearts. Stop up all leaks of energy. Use every faculty to the full. Lay down right principles of action. Obtain refreshment from your energy itself. Manifest your sincerity. The Thwan—compare AL II 58 and other passages. We should freely receive and freely give. It is important not to start things that we can't finish.

[The diary returns to the handwriting of Aleister Crowley.]

9.20 The final earth-aq. (earlier rather than later to improve chance of long sleep).

10.20 Write Eddie [Eddie Saayman] to watch Mudd's mind for signs of religious mania.)

11.0. Feel well, rested, interested. But am still irritable and agitated from the events of the day—see entry 7.40 P.M. Not sleepy, as I was last night. No feeling of narcotism.

1—Gardenal contains phenobarbital, a barbituate.

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