Meredith Starr Diary Entry

Friday, 12 August 1910

1 A.M.

I have just lit my candle. I have not yet slept, and have much to recount. I shall begin forthwith.

When I lay down I devoted my mind to analysing the symptoms and impressions caused by the opium I had taken. At first there was rather an uncomfortable sensation in abdomen, as tho' the normal functions had been suspended; but this soon passed off and I felt that digestion etc. was again proceeding as it should. The body seemed rather inert.* Connected with the thinking principle was a certain frangible—(frango—latin)—spasmodic element. There were sudden spasmodic breaks; not clean breaks—but as those produced by tearing rather than cutting asunder. . . . I think they were caused in part by electricity (magnetism). After noticing these impressions I tried to go to sleep, but without success. Then I felt that the effects of the drug were leaving me. Soon they had quite passed off, and I was quite worried again.

Then I sent out my thought to Adonai—quietly and steadily—and perspiration immediately set in. It became more and more profuse until my pillow, pyjamas and even the sheets were soaked. With it came the feeling of security and calm strength I experienced yesterday. (My mind was quite clear from the dulling effects of the opium which had passed off completely). I still concentrated steadily, perspiring all the while. It is impossible to accurately describe my feelings, but I seemed to be in this condition for a very, very long time. During this time several unusual things happened. Three times the window shook violently. . . . altho' it was a very calm, windless night. This has not happened before except in a storm or on occasions when it has been very windy. Also there were several noises I could not account for inside the room—rather like a harsh croaking, but with the intervals between sound succeeding each other quite rapidly. Once a curious noise came from my own throat and surprised me immensely. It may have been due to some muscular contraction. It was a kind of sing-song musical vibratory note; it was quite different to the other sounds. Once I had what seemed to be a strong electric shock in my right leg whose muscles suddenly contracted violently and then shot out again.

After what had appeared a very long time I ceased to concentrate consciously (my subconscious mind is more or less fixed in concentrating steadily on Adonai. . . . much in the same way it used to up a mantram and keep on repeating it of its own accord) and the perspiration ceased. I thought it must be at least about 5 a.m. and was exceedingly surprised to find on lighting a candle that it was only 1 a.m. I think the condition I was in was a kind of very elementary Samadhi (according to the literal meaning of the word—with Adonai). Probably it would not fall under the title of Samadhi—but I certainly seemed to be consciously and to a certain extent with Adonai. By 'certain extent' I mean I enjoyed an elementary mental, physical, and spiritual union with my Higher Self.

It is now 1.52 a.m. I do not feel in the least tired, but splendidly fit. I am disappointed with the opium, and will take some more of it next time.

The aura of this room is becoming very powerful indeed. I will now try and sleep a little, altho' I am not in the least in any way tired. 1.57 a.m.

When I lay down again I noticed that my whole body was vibrating harmoniously (rhythmically). Also "jumps" occurred in different parts from time to time—like those obtained in breathing. Twice I noticed a very distinct vibration in that part of the head where the pineal gland is situated. I did not go to sleep for some time. Awoke and got up at 7.45. . . . feeling remarkably well in every way.

7.45 p.m.

Took 3 grains of Extract of Indian Hemp (Cannabis Indica).

Will have no dinner. (have n=had nothing to eat since 5 when I had some tea).

9. p.m. Had a cup of coffee.

9.20 p.m. Notice nothing—I do not think the C—I is going to have any effect. I am a little tired physically—I went for a long swim this morning and played tennis vigourously all the afternoon. I am very wide awake mentally.

I wish these drugs would do their duty properly! 3 grains is 3 times the normally prescribed dose. However perhaps I am maligning it—"Patience is of the Gods"—"let us wait awhile," as Oscar Wilde said when he saw the leaves stirring.

I will smoke a pipe ceremonially. Smoking a pipe has become quite a magical ceremony in itself. . . . and is no light matter: My subconscious mind being fixed on Adonai—and my brain concentrating on the tobacco and its effects. . . . which are often very pronounced and pleasurable. . . . They are conducive to concentration and equilibrate the mind. It is now 9.30.

9.42.—given up pipe—I cannot appreciate the tobacco as usual—smoke tasteless. . . . This proves that that the Hashish must be having an effect of some sort. I will undress and lie down.

9.47. Took one more grain (making 4 in all). I will smell musk—see 777.

9.56. Can't find it (the musk). Went to bed.

* My body itched rather all over—but this ceased to worry me when I ceased to think of it.

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