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6:00 |
[1] |
May 14 I was given distinctly:
“The Pure Fool has no objective.” For days I have
been restive, impatient, chafing at the bit. I have
realized Desire must be at the root of it, the fact
that it was for Understanding, power, to go ahead
and achieve, to help out in the present dilemma,
makes no difference. To-day, not being dressed
warmly enough coming from the bath, I chilled, went
to bed and all afternoon lay in a fever. At the
supper hour I heard A.C.’s voice: “I have been
thinking of Jane’s retirement;[2]
it seems impossible:” This broke me down. I lay
still for some time the tears rolling down my
cheeks, my pride was gradually eliminated, and I
finally said: “Fee Wah, Elder Brother, Gods, take me
as I am; purge me.” I found myself high up on a
rounded hill. Straight ahead, some distance away and
seen over the tops of trees growing below the curve
of the hill, lay the sea, high mountains at either
side of it, though the left line of ridges filled
more of the picture, the right frame of the sea
being a tall, spire-like rock. The path on which I
stood, though clearly enough defined, was completely
covered with dead grass. To my left, outlining the
path, dead briers of the berry variety, growing a
trifle higher than the knee. The ground rolling up
and back of them covered with dead grass. Then to my
right appeared Elder Brother (?), the earth back of
him falling directly into a ravine. We stood in the
sunlight. All Desire by this time had dropped from
me. I felt for this being a great love and I yearned
earnestly to merge my being in his—to lose myself.
But I did not. I rested against him till thoroughly
imbued with the “stooping Starlight”, and then went
on alone; for one second, when realizing I was
alone, a timorous feeling, which I was able to
conquer. I then passed on a few yards and began the
descent on the path, slightly curving to the left
and now closed in by a pine forest, so that the path
was lost in darkness. I then realized Elder Brother
was clothed in black.
I next found myself on the
floor of the valley below the path where I first
stood. I found here dead vegetation growing low on
the ground, the valley narrow like a hall almost,
while all round, the cliffs rising high. And I said:
“My way the valley, not the peaks.” And I went
forward, simply and without aim, in the direction of
the sea, though I saw no distance ahead.
(I did the same thing May,
1918, when, having been led up on a high mountain, I
saw before me a scene of ravishing beauty—a basin,
the sun shining through silvery mists lying below
and bringing into view an exquisitely beautiful
landscape. I gazed, intoxicated, then turned my back
and said: “I choose the valley”, which lay dark and
drear in front of me, and descended into it.) |
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[3] |
L.V. Jefferson, through sister’s letter dated April 28:
“Jane is marking time; will shortly leave there—I
get Burma: a tall man in belted robe, double turban
effect, standing in belt of sunlight, back to me.
Jane comes up behind. After coming into sunshine she
becomes very happy—the first time since leaving
California, and starts out as though she had a
definite attitude expressing eager joy in mission.
There is much growth, but not the tangled untrodden
jungle. Will not return to the United States under
two years.”
I cannot see a G.[reat] M.[agical] R.[etirement]. I had
the impression as I stood on the path first and
alone, that the plan outlined was too much—I had not
the strength? It was then I said: “Take me as I am,”
etc.
Or is it not the Plan? A Tarot divination by
Genesthai [C. F. Russell][4]
says it is not my will nor the will of the Lords of
the Aeon. |