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Meredith Starr Diary Entry Monday, 15 August 1910
Awoke 8 a.m. feeling disinclined to get up and rather slack—I concentrated from 8.15 — 8.30. This made me feel very wide awake.
10 — 12. Had a glorious swim (I have bathed in the sea every morning (except 2) I have been here.) . . . Lay on the beach in the sun—eyes shut—concentrating on the heat and power of the sun. Read C. II of Θελγμχ.
12.35 — 1. I mastered the Hebrew Alphabet. (Had lunch at 1.)
1.37 — 1.47. Copied it out from memory and corrected it. 3 mistakes—I did not write — and — correctly.
What pen should one use for these characters?
2.10 — 2.50. Wrote out English of Col II in 777—studied.
2.55. — 3.13. Learnt and know relation of Col III to II.
3.`8 — 3.50. Col III Learnt—not perfectly—relation between Col VIII and Cols III, II and I.
4.8. Have taken 8 grains of opium. Feel quite normal. Pulse 52.
4.35. Have read parts of Equinox v. II.
5.13. Have returned from the Cadena Café where I had a cup of strong coffee and 2 cakes—and heard some music. At 4.45 I perceived the unpleasant heavy sensation of all round cerebrum and back of head (ק). . . . it increased rather rapidly, and as it increased the parts mentioned grew very warm. At 5 the leaden feeling had spread more or less over the whole head—but though not so intense as before, was still strongest in ק. . . . At this time my whole face began to get hot, and I felt a heavy ho sensation in my shoulders and both arms down to the hands.
5.22. Face feels very hot. . . . The heat is quite remarkable when I put the back of my hand to it (face). Pulse 58. . . . This is rather curious—last time I took opium it was 75. G=Face looks red—especially under the eyes.
5.25 — 35. Concentrated on the working of the day in my brain. Glowing sensation in chest.
5.40. Performed Banishing Ritual (lesser of the Pentagram. My voice was not so deep as usual and fainter.
5.48. Have recited aloud the Invocation to Isis. I distinctly smell a smell as tho' some clothes or flesh were being burnt; (up to the present I have not burnt any incense). Pulse 55.
6.5. Have read parts of Rosa Mundi by Crowley. Face and head not so hot. . . . but the drug seems to have sunk deeper into my being. Slight feeling of nausea. Drank a mouthful of water. Feel better.
6.15. Had violent hiccoughs—which I stopped by breathing deeply and holding breath while concentrating.
6.30. Have read "Nature" the Epode of the first Book of Orpheus. Splendid poem. Will now wash and go to have some dinner.
6.38. Thought I was going to be sick just as I was about to leave my room. My mouth became filled with liquid which I spat out. It was very clear and bright in appearance. Smelt some lign-aloes and Tincture of Myrrh. . . . The last-named has made me feel almost quite well again.
7.10. Had dinner—did some pranayama in the middle. I eat a very little roast-beef with a suspicion of potato and cauliflower; drank 3 mouthfuls of water. I noticed the same peculiarity as regards my hearing faculties as the last time I took opium (Tues. Aug 11).
The landlady has just told me of rather an odd thing. She says that in my absence at lunch—and several times before today—the bell in my room ringing violently. Now, until today I had not realised that there was a bell in my room. So, I presume it must have been rung by some unseen force; perhaps some of the spirits I had evoked materialised during my absence. I know very well that none of the powers I have evoked can harm me or frighten me in any way whatsoever—but they may try to frighten and disturb others. I have just interviewed the housemaid about this; she says that the bell rang today, and twice previously. Also she said that my bell is quite unmistakable—as every bell in the house has a different sound.
It is now 7.35. I think I am a good deal cooler. Up to the present I quite fail to see where the pleasures of opium come in!! Perhaps I ought to take it in a different form from the present (in little pills of 1 grain each).
The end of my nose—all around the edges of the nostrils— is itching in a provoking manner.
9.10. How the time has fled!—Have finished the "The Star and the Garter" by Crowley; I had begun it some time ago. I also began a poem—wrote 3 verses of 8 lines each.
9.15. As at 6.38 I felt the liquid again gathering in my mouth. . . . this time I was sick—but only a very little. . . . and not in the ordinary way. I have never been so pleasantly sick in my life. There was no retching or discomfort of any sort; I merely ejected a little fluid from my stomach—which I seemed to pump up quite easily. There were no unpleasant sensations—gastric juices etc. I do not feel in any way upset—and do not think this will interfere in any way with the action of the opium.
9.27. Am burning a little red
sandal-wood, which I chose at random: I now find that it
corresponds to the Sphere of Venus (I was born under
9.35. As I looked over my left shoulder I thought I saw something pass between myself and the wall. . . . I expect it was only fancy.
9.57. Have read silently the Invocation of the Higher Self. . . . underlining passages. I will now go to bed, my mind fixed on Adonai—steadily aspiring to communion with Him. "O my Lover, intoxicate the inmost, not the outermost!"
"I do aspire unto thee, as no man yet,
Hear me," Adonai!
10.7. Undressed, and about to retire. I notice that the pupils of my eyes are much smaller than usual. After lying down I experienced the following symptoms. (1) Itching all over body. (2) occasional jerks and jumps in different parts of body. (3) spasmodic movement of tongue—it twitched brokenly at the root and drove the point against roof of mouth in a series of uneven jerks.
Mental symptoms.
At first thought-breaks as on Aug 11. Then curious physical illusions which were followed almost immediately by the realisation that they were illusions. For instance I thought that my fingers were scratching the palm of my hand and that the muscles of my face and neck were all taut; shortly after I realised that in reality my finger had not moved, nor had my muscles been otherwise [illegible].
Once a very curious thing happened: I suddenly became aware something was about to happen in my brain. There was a loud ringing in my ears, and I felt as tho' everything inside my head was in confusion—upside down, whirring round and round in the most peculiar manner. At this stage I asserted my will and commanded this state of affairs to stop—which it did. I did this because I felt that in some way the fortress of my will was being attacked, and that in any case what was happening was contrary to organized thought and trained concentration: it did not seem to be in the domain of the middle pillar. If I had not commanded a halt—something would have happened, as everything was rushing along at a tremendous rate: If I had not stopped it—I expect the result would have been delirium—perhaps insanity. . . . this of course would have been undesirable, for it would have meant loss of control. I had no difficulty at all in stopping it. . . . My intuition told me something was wrong.
I then concentrated on Adonai—began to perspire—and soon went to sleep.
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—hence
is my ruling planet), The Vision of Beauty, Venus etc.